Sonoma County Broken Down

Here's my idiotic breakdown on all the major micro areas in Sonoma County (wow, there's an oxymoron). Here goes:

Healdsburg: You are either an illegal Mexican field worker, annoying tourist, or wine snob. NRA enthusiasts are encouraged to open fire on all three.

Cloverdale: Nobody really cares. Before the freeway bypassed town we all stopped at the hamburger joint on the way up to the lake. Meth labs and pot are the center of your economy. Bake in your 104* summer hell.

Sebastopol: Used to be normal. Mill Valley intellectual rejects migrated north and became claim jumpers. Please, shave your armpits.

Gurneville/Russian River: Yes, it floods every time it rains a little bit. Don't buy a home there and then be shocked when it washes away with the winter rains. It happens every year. Here, smoke some pot to get over your loss.....you'll feel better.

Santa Rosa: No, you are NOT San Jose North. Please don't try to attempt it. Look around. Most have relocated from San Francisco/San Jose. If San Jose was so great, why did they leave?

Rohnert Park: Obese, white bread, bad 80's perm HELL! Just HOW many chain restaurants, mega stores, and strip malls can you cram into one nondescript, Dodge minivan obsessed suburb? The only active culture is in their yogurt, which I'm sure was purchased at Costco. I think this is the "mom jeans" capitol of the world. WWJD?

Cotati: Really, the only cool place in Sonoma County. So un-attention grabbing. Definately not a publicity whore. Cotati is cool all in its own right. It does not need to prove anything to anybody. God Bless you.

Penngrove: Isn't that just a suburb of Petaluma?

Petaluma: East Petaluma is Baja Rohnert Park. Shopping at Target is the highlight of their week. They bitch because they have to drive 10 minutes to obtain cheap, plastic shit manufactured in China they cant live without. West Petaluma holds actual historic value with architecture. Just ignore the poorly constructed Condiotti subdivisions that proliferate the area.