Marriage Advice

It's wedding season, and I have some advice to offer women prior to saying "I do."

I'm not proclaiming myself an expert by any means. However, I have been married to the same man for 21 years. One myth that I want to permanently delete is the Disney version of life by getting married to your Prince Charming and living happily ever after. Another myth I want to delete is "soul mate."

Here's the truth: Your mission for marriage is to find the person who's annoying habits and personality flaws you can tolerate the most.

Some tips and traps to seriously consider, because I guarantee they will raise issue down the road.

1. Is he a slob? Picking up after him will get old *very* quickly. You don't want to take on the role of being his mother.

2. What is his relationship with his family? Like it or not, you're marrying them as well. Family holidays and who to spend them with (or not) are fodder for divorce.

3. What is his relationship with his parents -- especially his MOTHER?

4. Is he financially responsible? What's his credit like? Does he have a tendency to spend more than he earns? Can he hold a job? Another subject for fodder for divorce. Does he pay his bills on time and balance his checkbook? If not, understand that you will be taking on the role of family bookkeeper.

5. Does he respect you and your interests? This issue usually raises its head after a child is born. You will need time to yourself to do whatever and be with friends. Will he respect that and be willing to be an active father? Don't marry somebody who thinks that fatherhood ends at conception.

6. Do both of you share the same vision of the future? I don't mean 10 years from now -- I mean 20-30 years from now.

7. Many of my friends complain that their husbands are too much work. They complain that it's like having another child.

8. What are your religious and/or spiritual beliefs (if any). Do your beliefs sync with each other?

9. Is he a workaholic? If yes, know that your life will be very similar to being a single mother.

10. What are his views on gender roles? How does he view women in general? Does he view women as 'objects'? Does he view women as being lesser than men? You are a woman, and his views will carry over to how he treat/views you regardless of what he may tell you.

11. What does he like to do (or not do) after work? If he comes home and plants his ass on the sofa with the television remote, or plants himself in front of the computer screen OR hangs out with his friends, be warned. Most of you women will also work outside the home AND take care of children when they come along. When you come home from work you will NOT be relaxing as there are the household chores to contend with along with issues with the children. Inequity of household chores is HUGE.

12. He knows when something is wrong. When he asks what's wrong, don't purse your lips, tilt your head and quip, "Nothing." He's not a mind reader. TELL HIM WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU!


With the passing years your relationship with your husband will continue to evolve and change. Above all, make sure that you both will commit to working out problems and give him a chance to change before throwing in the towel. Don't forget that YOU might be the one who needs change as well.