Braggie Christmas Newsletters

I guess some of you did not get the memo at how annoying your Christmas "brag" letters are. I originally posted this two years ago. I guess evolution makes two assumptions:

1. It's always progressive;
2. It takes several generations.

Shit.. That means I am stuck getting your newsletter for years to come. There is no hope of self-actualization and seeing your ego-laden newsletter for what it really is -- a total piece of #$%. I hope you know we all make fun of it and pass it around for laughs. We also invite others to share the most obnoxious news letter and we have a contest. Yours WON!!!

If I get one more obnoxious Christmas "brag" letter I'm going to throw up. It makes me gag when the computer generated, impersonal letters arrive proudly declaring the following predictable categories:

1. How perfect their life is;
2. How monetarily well-off they are (note: I did NOT use the word rich as that has a totally different definition in my world);
3. The exotic places traveled;
4. How wonderful, smart and talented their children are;
5. Employment changes that they deem should be impressive to broadcast.

STOP IT!!!!!! I really don't give a rat's a**. I'm patiently waiting for the following Christmas newsletter that better reflects what's going on without the glossy self-promotion:

Dear friend/relative,

This year has been a challenge as Gerald has been laid off from his job of 20 years. His job has been "outsourced" overseas, and finding employment that pays more than a Wal-Mart greeter is extremely difficult. Our COBRA self-pay insurance runs out at the end of this month, and we have discovered the monthly premiums for health insurance will be more than our house payment. Speaking of house payments, we're several months behind and we have no idea how we're going to make ends meet as we are over-extended financially in every aspect of life. I guess we shouldn't have taken out that second and third mortgage to finance our trip to Europe and to buy that new boat. Damn. But boy, do we look good to everybody from the outside.

Our oldest son, Johnny, has been busted (again) for smoking pot and petty theft. He's still hanging on in school with a strong D+ average and promises of being accepted into the local community college for a full course load of remedial classes. We're so proud!

Our daughter, Susie, is 16 and pregnant. Gerald spent some time in the slammer for assault on Susie's boyfriend when the initial news broke out, but now he realizes that making enemies out of the father of his future grand-child is not the way to go. However, Gerald did figure out that prisoners get free health care, so it may be an incentive for some other slightly-criminal act that will warrant cell-time as our finances get tighter and tighter.

Have a happy and joyous holiday!
Sincerely,
The Real Family Christmas Newsletter You Will Never See.

Christmas Aftermath

Ahhhhhhhh...... it's all over for another year. I've noticed that just about everybody is in a semi-zombified state the past day or so as they recouperate from massive amounts of food, drink, and RELATIVES.

Relatives are like farts -- everybody prefers their own. But even your own can be overwhelming in a confined space with no room to breathe.

Christmas Rant Part III

Headlines are given to tree-and-ornament haters. Tucked inside today's paper is the story regarding AIG executives not keeping their pledge to return millions in obscene bonuses.

Remind me again what we're pissed off about????

Of course, every thieving, criminal asswipe has some schmuck lawyer trying to twist the obvious into something stupid. Stop. You're just making yourself look bad, Schmuck lawyer.

Here is a sample of schmuck-speak.

"They [AIG executives] have a contractual right to be paid this money. They put in their time, and they have performed all their obligations successfully," said Andrew Goodstadt, a New York lawyer who represents more than a dozen Financial Products employees.

Let's see if I have this right. My tax money is used to bail out greedy executives who fucked up AIG. How is that they performed their obligations successfully again? The executives [again] lied to us and said they would return the money. They did not. The trickle down of this insanity is now supporting this ambulance-chasing lawyer with an ego bigger than his brain.

I say round all the executives up and include their idiotic lawyer, Andrew Goodstadt, and let the firing squad have a field day. The world would be a much better place.

p.s. to Andrew... you much have REALLY sucked in law school to take this case to make a name for yourself. Your 15 minutes of fame are up. You can die now.

Christmas Rant Part II

Today headlines are given to some bored, brain-damaged, Vietnam vet who is offended by "angels" and "stars" on a tree in a government office. WTF???? Doesn't he have REAL problems???? I guess not.

I wish "Charlie" in Vietnam would have found him and KILLED him on site.

I'm all for diversity and stuff like that, but you have to be totally REACHING to be offended by something as innocent as angles and stars on a fir tree. Personally, I have trouble finding fault with anything that wishes humanity something good -- even if it's not delivered via my particular, personal belief. The overall intent is to wish something good to mankind.

OMFG!!!! Let's TWIST this to be something OFFENSIVE and get HEADLINES for being a total ASSHOLE.

I'm not offended by my kids participating in Passover and Hannaukah rituals, or Kwanzaa rituals, Pagen rituals, or whatever else (which they have -- even WITHOUT my direct permission, I might add. It all builds tolerence).

Have I bitched and complained???? No. In fact, I feel quietly honored that my kids have been invited to participate in rituals that we don't practice ourselves. I think it's great.

As long as the message is positive for mankind and spreads peace, I'm all for it. I don't care about pigeonholing the religious origin. It doesn't matter. Peace, love and goodwill are universal. What's not to love????

Get over yourselves, you anti-angel-and-stars-on-a-fir-tree-jackasses, and let nature sing.

Hosting Parties and Holidays

You'd think that people couldn't stand to be around me given my bitchiness. Friends and relatives are calling inquiring about parties that I had no idea I was hosting coming up in the next few weeks.

I guess little has changed since high school. My house was ALWAYS the party house. Granted, there is now wine instead of beer kegs, and nobody is throwing up on mom's rose bushes. There were many nights I had NO idea who was in my house.

Kids + beer kegs + parents away = massive party.

Strangely enough, nobody was destructive or violent -- not even the tough-guy jocks liquered up with raging testosterone levels.

(Sorry, mom and dad. We sure as shit had fun. What in the hell were you thinking leaving me alone in charge as a teen, anyway? Good GAWD, did you have any CLUE what we were up to?)

I guess the kicker now is Christmas morning. I am getting friends and relatives giving me RSVP's that I did not even invite. How in the ^%$#* did I end up with 25+ people coming to my house Christmas morning for breakfast???

Male Gynocologists

Since when is a man an expert on "female" issues? I'm talking about male gynocologists.

I have always wondered what would ever prompt a man to want to specialize female reproductive organs. I'll tell you who -- some geek who never got lucky in high school OR some arrogant asshole who thinks he knows all.

I don't care how many books he has read, prestigious colleges he has attended, or endless interviews with patients he has conducted, there is NO way a man can truly understand:

1. menstrual cramps;
2. PMS;
3. finding out you're pregnant;
4. hot flashes;
5. labor contractions;
6. post partum depression.

The list could go on and on. I still can't comprehend on how a man can be labeled an "expert" that women can trust on issues he himself will never experience first-hand. It's like giving somebody a pilot's license who has never flown a plane.

Microscopic Fax Machines in Cell Phones

...here's a thought for the day after you've smoked a couple bowls....

You know when you call somebody's cell phone and you get the recorded greeting? It says something like, "If you want to send a numeric page, press 2; if you want to send a fax, press 3."

Personally, I have NEVER sent a fax message to somebody's cell phone. I want to know who has.

If you want to mess with an office supply store employee's head, go into an office supply store and DEMAND the paper that fits inside cell phones for faxes.

It's like Sasquatch.... we've all heard of it, but nobody's ever seen it.

The Useless Things People Bitch About: Senator Eshoo

Granted, this blog is used for bitching about a lot of useless things. However, you are not forced to read it; nor, are you being charged for it unlike a newspaper or magazine. If you stumbled upon this blog, you must be *really* bored. It's your fault. You searched and looked for it. At least you're not out any money for reading my useless rants that bitch about nothing.

However, bitching about useless things is not something I want to read about in my daily, local newspaper (which I actually pay money for). The following story is for real -- no shit.

There is a senator from California (sadly, the state where I reside -- actually some of us Californians really do have active brain cells) named Anna Eshoo who is taking up an active campaign on the uber pressing issue of:

CAN YOU GUESS??? IS YOUR CURIOSITY GETTING TO YOU? CAN YOU GUESS WHICH TOPIC SHE IS TAKING TO THE MAT FOR US BEATEN, DOWN-TRODDEN, HARD WORKING, CITIZENS?

IS IT THE WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST?

HEALTH CARE????

IS IT GLOBAL WARMING? OR LACK THEREOF?

WORLD PEACE???

IS IT OVER POPULATION?

THE SUCKY ECONOMY?

PEOPLE LOSING THEIR JOBS AND HOMES?

Nooooooooooo...... this lame senator is taking on the issue of

(drum roll and trumpets, please)

TELEVISION COMMERCIAL VOLUMES!!!!

omfg!!!!!!!!! I did not know what I was going to do until Savior Senator Eshoo came along to champion the too-loud-tv-commercials cause. I thought I would not be able to survive another day, another minute, another SECOND until Savior Senator Eshoo quieted down those annoying late-night television commercials!

If I just had to reach for the remote to push the 'mute' button just ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR there would be a carpral-tunnel disability lawsuit for somebody. I'm sure there would be a loud, obnoxious television commercial to help me find a lawyer specializing in such.....

Thank GOD this Senator has PRIORITIES!!! Here is her quote in the Santa Rosa Press Democrat.

"I just get totally ticked off every time a television commercial comes on at night."

This is what's keeping you up at night, Senator Eshoo? Sorry, but there is no sympathy from us democrats who actually have real problems.......

I think I hear Sarah Palin calling you for a playdate......

The Best Christmas Party Ever

Yup, I've been to lots and lots of company parties. For the most part, I would rather get a root canal than attend yet another corporate holiday function. Thankfully, the volume of holiday parties has decreased due to the crappy economy. I'm certainly not shedding any tears.

I don't get the Christmas party thing to begin with.... Oh, excuse me... We can't call it a Christmas Party anymore because of some whiny minority who can't come to terms on who actually founded our country and political system they are benefiting from. Go back to where you came from. We won't miss you. Believe me.

Anyway........

What makes employers think for a minute that we want to spend what prescious, little free time we have with people we're stuck with for most of our waking hours? It's enough that we have to tolerate our co-workers' irritating habits and annoying personalities Monday - Friday. Come Saturday I want any residual thoughts of these people wiped out of my consciousness until I'm forced to deal with them again come Monday morning.

Employers think the holiday party creates bonding. Humph. The only bonding I want to see is Jack's ass strapped to the next NASA launch into outer space.

However, there is one Christmas party that is actually fun. Showing up in anything other than jeans is a no-no. There are people of ALL ages from 0-80. There is something to do for them all. Families welcome. No stuffy sit-down dinner. It's all buffet style. There are games, music, crafts, and you name it. Kids are running around, and nobody is yelling at them -- there is no need to. The informality of it makes it exceeding popular. Employers take note.

Electronic Yodeling

There is a new trend in pop music, or maybe I should say the revival of something of years past. Yes, I have a teenage daughter. This means I am subject to the latest chart tarts.

If you play the above link, you will get a sample of the latest sound of electronic yodeling. See, no actual singing talent is required in this case unlike the yodelers of Switzerland.

I am ashamed to admit I kind of actually like it...... My high school friends and I get together once a year and this is a "theme song."

No Public Option

To further my theory that all politicians are on the payroll, I read that the public option for health care was dropped today.

Well, I suppose we the people are ultimately responsible for those who occupy important political positions that design and implement public policy.

Honestly, what can we truly expect from a culture that worships bright, shiny objects?

Tiger is now known as Cheetah

Tiger Woods is living proof that women will fuck anything hoping to get money. I mean, really... Let's not put the blame solely on Tiger. The women after him were nothing but shallow gold diggers.

Most importantly, WHO CARES??????

Hip Swinging Santa

This is one import from China that should be dumped like tea in the harbor. If any of you have been subject to "Hip Swinging Santa" you will immediately know what I mean.

My sister-in-law has a weakness for cheap, plastic shit made in China. She graced us one year with Hip Swinging Santa which plays an 8bit audio rendition similar of that to an 80's videogame of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town." My kids thought it was the greatest thing ever. The dog barks at it constantly. The cat arches his back and hisses at it. My husband wants to place it near his Budweiser Christmas beer stein collection. AUG!!!!!

Me??? Well, after just *one* round I was ready to rip Santa's head off as I thought it was annoying as hell.

Exactly who thinks of this shit? Just think of the initial brain fart surrounding the invention and initial marketing of Hip Swinging Santa. I can just hear the conversation now. "Oh wow, we can make MILLIONS off a cheap, tacky, annoying, hip swinging Santa that plays poor quality music!"

"Who would be so stupid to purchase such an idiotic item?"

"Americans. They will buy anything as goddesses forbid they actually use their money for something useful like their house payment, education, or retirement."

Each year I throw Hip Swinging Santa out in the trash. Each year they bring it back in.

The Scammers

My job affords me the opportunity to meet many, many types of people in the business world. Most of them are business owners, but some are other various types of professionals. There is one type of business owner who should be avoided at all costs: The Scammer.

There is one in particular I deal with who in the beginning I gave the benefit of the doubt. I had heard that The Scammer and his wife were subject to questionable business ethics. Being the type of person I am, I always want to give people an opportunity before passing judgment with what may be idle gossip.

Time tells all, and in this case it certainly did.

The Scammer and his wife are pros at dodging the IRS and bankruptcy laws. They scam workers' compensation money and whatever else they can suck from unsuspecting people.

As an example, the Scammers sold their company but were to remain on as employees by the new owners. Right after the completion of the sale, the Scammer's wife immediately claims she injured her back lifting file boxes out of storage and put in a huge workers' compensation claim.

Funny, but the Scammers wife had no trouble getting drunk and dancing on table tops at a party. I guess her back didn't hurt her then.

That is just one example. I could go on and on. I dread being with these people. They make me sick.

Christmas Brag Letters Part II

Sometimes justice comes served in minute, subtle, portions that only few can appreciate. Today's "Christmas 2009 Brag" photo/letter was one of those days.

Each year we get a "brag photo" from an old acquaintance. See, these are people who are nuveau riche. Each year it's him and her displayed in an exotic location photo of "guess where I've been and don't you wish you were me."

This year's photo featured him and her decked out in their Japanese yakatas doing the white-trash American "tourist" thing in Tokyo as they are about to embark on a traditional Japanese customary evening.

Little do they know the joke is on them.

What the American White Trash do not know is that when wearing a Japanese yakata, the bow is to be in the back. To wear the bow in the front indicates "sexuality for sale." You fill in the rest. American Ken and Barbie defenately had no clue to the local customs.

Typical of stupid Americans.

My hat is off to the Japanese photographer who cunningly pulled off this joke with only a snowball's chance in hell that somebody over here would get it! Very funny!!! I LOVE it.

Today's "White Trash Vacationing in Japan" Christmas card photo clearly indicated as such. Shallow, aging, Barbie is grinning ear-to-ear clinging to her bank account (a.k.a Ken) with her yakata bow right in front (next to her hand dripping in diamonds, I might add). Shallow Barbie has no idea she is being made fun of.

I LOVE YOU, JAPANESE PHOTOGRAPHER!!!! YOU CALLED IT AS YOU SAW IT.

SSU Loans

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, it's a duck.

There is quite a brew-ha-ha here in Sonoma County regarding a Donald Trump wannabe getting a loan from an academic foundation for real estate. Then, of course, Donald Trump got too big for his britches and is now bankrupt. Surprise, surprise.

While those on the board are trying desperately to redeem themselves of the action, I have but a few basic questions:

1. Why is an academic foundation loaning money for real estate loans?
2. Should not direct loans to board members and former board members be banned as a conflict of interest?

It seems like there is a lot of self-dealing going on. I know I would not be pleased to find out that money I donated to an academic foundation was being used to finance a board member's real estate portfolio. I would be pissed as hell.

While I agree that investing money and getting some interest is essential to running a business, I think that the only interest gained here is self-serving.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but you can't trust ANYBODY with large pools of money. This is only one sad example on how funds that are earmarked for what is to believed as "public good" are syphoned off by greedy assholes.

Day After Thanksgiving

Are you all full and stuffed to the gills? I am, and I'm not even talking about how much food I consumed yesterday. I'm talking about my in-laws.

Every year it at least one of them manages to consume large quantities of wine and then continues to make a total ass of themselves. I'm surprised the cops didn't show up.

This year it was the "melting snow woman" who should be in jail. See, the "melting snow woman" has lost 80+ pounds due to a surgical procedure she had earlier in the year. The problem is that now her stomach is the size of a hamster's and a sip of wine will cause her to slur her words. Drinking 3 bottles of wine definately placed her in the falling-down-drunk category. I call her the "melting snow woman" because since her dramatic, sudden weight loss her skin looks like it's sagging and it resembles a melting tub of goo. Her skin looks like it's sliding off. Gross.

Anyway, the melting tub of goo proceeded to get sloppy drunk and open her mouth. Every other word out of her mouth was the F-word. It did not matter there were children present, and non-family guests. It did not stop there. She then proceeded to cuddle up to her 17-year old nephew and then began to stroke him in areas that were out of line -- RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. At that point another relative immediately jumped up and pulled her off her nephew and threw her saggy ass on the floor.

The party is getting rough.

Then the husband of "melting snow woman" gets involved. He then begins to blame everybody else for getting his wife out-of-control drunk. Hey, nobody was forcing her to drink anything. There were plenty of people there who were drinking only water. As he was trying to justify his stupid wife's behavior, Melting Snow Woman gets up off the floor and says in drunken astonishment to her husband, "Hey... You look like a WHO from WHO-VILLE."

I couldn't decide if I should laugh or be disgusted. I guess I felt both.

I Love Thanksgiving

Gobble Gobble....
I love Thanksgiving. I love to cook for large crowds. That being said, my house has always been a natural magnet for the holidays.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because over-indulged, capitalistic society has not quite figured out a way to commercialize the hell out of it (yet). I'm sure they are trying. But then again, there is nothing commercially appealing about family gatherings featuring Uncle Ed farting on your sofa.

Dear Abby SUCKS!!!!!!

I wish our paper would drop "Dear Abby." How in the hell that bitch can dish out useless advice and still be published is beyond me. Most English teachers would have cut the column out of the high school paper years ago, but noooooooooooooo... nepotism runs deep. Must be nice to be "connected" in the publishing world and ride on mommy's coat tails. Whatever.

Take today's Dear Abby column for an example. Aside from her usual (yawn) cop-out advice to "seek professional counseling" to her retarded followers, she shamelessly plugs her 'for fee' publications and tries to disguise it as a legitimate letter from a reader.

The following drivel was actually published in today's Santa Rosa Press Democrat. Yes, editors hang your head in SHAME.

Dear Abby:
How do I write an actual letter? I mean with all the texting and e-mail and such just how do I write a letter of thanks with the holiday season approaching?
Signed,
Planted Letter

Dear Planted Letter:
Oh, I'm so glad you asked!!!!! Letter writing is an art, and for only $6.00 you can purchase my Dear Abby Canned Letter Template! Here's how to order....

This shit passes for journalism fit to print????? Give me a BREAK!

"Oh Honey, I don't think we'll need to purchase toilet paper for a while, it arrives daily on our doorstep."

2010 and the American Economy

Everybody is telling us the economy is getting better. Really? What drugs are they on and how come they're not sharing!

The problem is that nobody has any cash anymore. We have no solid foundation. Everything is financed in complicated voodoo loans up the gazoo and when the dominoes start falling, like they are now, the ripple effect is impossible to stop.

I got word tonight of two long-standing Sonoma County employers who will not make it financially to the end of the year. Both companies got a little over confident during the last boom cycle and expanded dramatically. Now they have laid off a big chunk of their staff, and the those left are working 18-20 hours per week. We're talking about employees who have 15 years + in with the company. Not an easy management decision to make -- gutting longtime employees. This isn't done lightly.

Employers are not always "evil." Employers get a bad rap a lot of time. I don't think employees realize the pressure of owning and operating a business. Employees don't realize the enormous amount of regulations, laws, insurance, etc., employers face. I don't think employees understand just what it takes to even own and operate a business.

I've been playing this game a long, long time. I've seen actual employees rebel against their employer for being a "tight, stingy bastard" and go into business for themselves. Lo and behold, after about 5 years (assuming they make it through the start-up phase, in which many of them do not) they take on the "management bastard" role themselves. They finally figure out how much it takes to keep a business afloat. It's an interesting transformation to watch.

Speaking of which, I think it should be a prerequisite for any and all politicians to have run a successful business. So many politicians have NO CLUE what it takes and issue mandates that are impossible for employers to comply with. Most politicians have never had a pending payroll. That's why we are in the mess we are in. We have people running California who have NO business sense whatsoever.

....and when politicians are in a bind, they just TAX, TAX, and TAX and create massive CLUSTER FUCKS. They are nothing more than financial bullies. When businesses are failing, businesses don't have the luxury of just raising their prices without extreme scrutiny and justification.

The government has no competition.

Medusa Heads

I've noticed a disturbing trend amongst football players. They all have braids hanging out of their helmets like Medusa. I'm surprised that other players don't pull their long braids and rip their hair out. I know, I know.... It's such a 'girl' way to fight.

Canned Laughter

...here's a stupid rant for today...Canned laughter on sitcoms. I don't know why, but I find canned laughter utterly annoying. Why is it necessary to dub in mechanical laugh tracks? It's like mandating to the audience to unnaturally (laugh here). I don't need instructions as to when, where, and how I should laugh. If something is fucking funny, I will laugh. Thank you very much.

ha ha ha.....see???? I *do* have a sense of humor. I'm not always half-bent over my keyboard clenching my jaw and spewing angry obscenities at the world....

Anyway... back to annoying laugh tracks. Are the writers insinuating that their material is so lame that they need constant prodding for the audience to accept it? Are the writers insinuating their actors can't act? Could it be a condition of both bad writing AND bad acting??? Wow... Disney channel comes to mind.

If you need to dub in a laugh track, your material SUCKS! Canned laughter is the polite equivalent of throwing rotten tomatoes.

Get off the stage.

San Francisco Hotel Strike: Palace Hotel

I was watching the news this morning and hotel workers were outside the Palace Hotel in San Francisco picketing about their benefits. Take just *one* wild guess what their bitch was. Yup, that's right.... HEALTH CARE BENEFITS.

Shocker....DUH!

The picketers' intentions are misguided. They should be griping to the government and their insurance lobby butt buddies and NOT their employer about dwindling health care benefits. Granted, the bastard hotel manager at the top should suck up some of the financial pain along with the rank-and-file hotel employees. I don't know if that has happened in this particular instance. Regardless, nobody wants to take anything away from employees unless s/he is a complete asshole. Sadly, they do exist in the employment world....

Do you know how much your health care benefits cost your employer each month? No... I'm not talking about how much YOU pay out of YOUR pocket, I'm talking about how much it costs your employer to offer the benefit. Depending on your plan, your employer will average spending about $1000 per month to provide you and your family health care. You don't see that on your pay check stub.... it's an invisible benefit that has been taken for granted until fairly recently. That's part of the problem.

Be grateful, Picketing Hotel Employees, that you have any fucking health insurance at all and direct your gripe to the greedy bastards holding your health hostage over their vacation McMansions on Maui (accessible only by private helicopter, I might add).

What Are Men To Do?

I feel sorry for men in our society today. They are confused about gender roles and their "new" place in modern society. However, it is time they realize how much women do and it's about time they get their ass off the sofa, put down the remote, and help with the household and the kids. It's about time they show us a little respect. Fair is fair... this is a good subject to rant about, but this is not the rant I am going to go off on today.

In any event, think about how men are treated today. What career options to they really have? We have turned testosterone into a disease that must be feminized. We have totally dismissed traditionally male jobs into something that is now outsourced overseas, or pawned off on illegal immigrants. What viable career options are open to men who are don't fit into the paper-and-book-based educational mold? We have smart, talented men eager to work with their hands and minds to do something meaningful. We have completely devalued them.

They are completely ignored and forgotten by our "feminized" society. It's a strange irony.

The "ME" Generation

Somewhere along the line the free-thinking, anti-establishment philosophy of the 1960's Hippie Generation turned into the "man" they were trying so desperately to separate from. See the "then" and "now" photo above.

The Baby Boomers are the most selfish generation that ever existed. They thrived in post WWII prosperity, and they then rebelled against the establishment that fostered their own well-being. The Me Generation was sooooooo certain of their new order that they swore was different and more enlightened than their conservative, conforming parents. Damn the man. They were about peace, love, freedom, and equality for all.

Ironically, they are now the establishment they were rebelling against. Now that health care reform is being discussed, they are the first ones to poo-poo any and all reform as it may affect THEIR own precious selves. There is not one thought to others. It's all about them.

Where is peace, love, and equality for all now that you're the ones holding the wealth?

Silence. I thought so.

Stuffed Animals

This gives "stuffed animals" a completely different meaning. This was an actual photo taken by a high level UPS employee involved in a pot bust in Sonoma County. The sender tried to hide the pot inside innocent looking stuffed animals. However, the UPS employee became suspicious when the sender took out insurance on seemingly non-valuable goods, and also wanted to send them "next day air." Two red flags. The UPS employee's suspicions were spot on.

Voila.... open up the seams of the bear's butt, and lo and behold the bear shits pot.

Petaluma Corn Maze Traffic on Hwy 101

There.... now you've seen them. You have seen corn stalks and pumpkins. Need I point out which is which? Now drive the fucking speed limit coming southbound on Hwy 101 through Petaluma this time of year. Quick rubbernecking, gawking, and tying up traffic like the moron you are. I'm sorry your life has been so fucking sheltered you have not seen these two items before in your life and feel the need to stop suddenly on the freeway causing an 18 car pile up behind you to stop and stare.

There is a corn maze. There is a pumpkin patch. People are out getting their pumpkins and visiting the corn maze. Get over it and DRIVE. This happens EVERY year, dumbshit.

I originally posted this a year ago, and apparently there has been ZERO progress made in human evolution so I am posting again.

Generational Gap

Today I was asked if Freddy Mercury and Tim Curry was the same person......

Still Waiting to be Home Alone

I have been ranting about this topic since I've started this blog. I never have the luxury of being home alone. Oh excuse me, I did have 12 minutes last week.

I wish my husband would take the kids and leave for a weekend. I have been dropping hints since the dawn of time. He never leaves. The kids never leave. They are always here. Then the relatives are always here. I can't get rid of anybody.

Maybe it would not bother me so much if I did not work and had the house to myself for a few sacred hours during the day, but I do work full-time.

I just want the house to myself for a few days. It would be so peaceful and blissful. I could actually get something done instead of tripping over bodies and constantly picking up and cooking for everybody.

Some wives bitch because their husbands travel. I am envious. At least they can get the remote for a night or two. Maybe I'm just too independent.

Lazy State Employees: a.k.a. Fat Ladies

There is an old joke in the military about lazy, bureaucratic, paper-filler-outers, known as the "fat ladies."

BTW, biological sex did not matter. There were male "fat ladies" as well.

They just sit around day in and day out shuffling papers trying to look important, like they are doing something.

Here is a true story. I have three upper-management level employees who came to me from the State of California. Why???? That is a long story all onto itself that would require several "Quiet Rage" pre-rantings, and also intense psychotherapy on my part. Here is the gist of state workers: THEY DON'T WORK!

I have one of them coming to my office tomorrow all the way from Concord because he does NOT want direct deposit on his paycheck. See, his meager salary of $140,000 per year (not including benefits) warrants him a three-hour round trip to my office all the way from Contra Costa County to Sonoma County to physically pick up his paycheck as opposed to direct deoposit so he can have it *one* banking day ahead of time.

His life and finances depend on it. He makes $140,000 + and his wife is also a professional. And they can't wait ONE day for direct deposit? And HE is the one who is supposed to be driving this ship? Sorry..... I am the one doing the number crunching (for free I might add) to tell these idiots that 2 + 2 = 4....

Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore.....

Needless to say I received a wage garnishment for the same-above-mentioned-money-mismanging-lazy-state-employee-asswipe for back taxes from this same, overpaid, jerk-off just a month before. AND.... this asswipe will use company time, gas, and resources to come and pick up his check at my office when he really should be doing something more productive -- LIKE HIS FUCKIN' JOB!!!!!!!!

I hate to sound like a broken record, but the government bloat at the top is real. That is where the real budget crimes are happening. Don't let them tell that the state is broke and they don't have any money.

Bullshit. California should have plenty of money. They are just too busy sucking it up for themselves in their mis-managed cluster fucks.

Business Hours

Finally.....somebody gets it. I want to post this sign outside of my office door.

Naming of vehicles and other inanimate objects

I'm not sure if it's a Minnesota thing, but everybody I know back home has a name for their car. For instance, my first car was an Oldsmobile Xtreme. It was originally from Canada and it was built for cold climates. Being it was from Quebec, I lovingly named my car Pierre. Cars are part of the family like pets.

I just read an e-mail from an old, old friend "back home" and he named his GPS unit Gertie. I had to laugh out loud as I also named my GPS unit. I named mine Helga.

My brother bought a Ford F250. He named it Shaneequa. I asked him how he came up with that name. He said, "Because she is big, black and beautiful."

.....with junk in her trunk.....

Sonoma County IQ Test

In spirit with my bored Facebook "friends" I have devised my own little "quiz" for you all. This is a one question, pass or fail test. Ready? Here goes....

What is the above picture?

I shit you not that I went into a craft store the other day asking for the above pictured item. The craft store had several on display, but the dumb shits who work there had NO idea what a scarecrow was. I would brush this off as the disappearance of our agricultural roots if only one employee drew a blank... However, it was more than one employee who had NO clue what a scarecrow was. They thought it was a bird.

I can't make shit like this up. God help us all.

I HATE Twitter

...yeah.... I can appreciate technology and such, but Twitter is just totally useless and annoying as hell. No, I don't care how many squares of toilet paper you use when you take a shit, and I certainly don't care how many times you shake your dick after you piss. TMI!!!!!!!

Nor do I care about somebody who is parked in your parking space, and you're going to have them towed before the board meeting that is scheduled for this morning where you are to receive accolades as to how fucking wonderful you are and your promotion to VP of Total Techno-Bullshit. Wowww......

Who ever thought of Twitter should be SHOT and KILLED immediately. I bet it had something to do with the Bored Moms on Prozac Committee -- we all know they are the evil of the universe.

Enviroenentally Friendly Clothes Dryer or Eyesore

Here's to all the stupid fucks who think clothes lines should be banned because they "look like rusted out cars on blocks" and other detrimental bullshit they think drives down property values.

What a load of crap.

Do these people really have nothing else to bitch about? Don't they know that using a clothesline saves energy and makes your clothes smell *really* good? Don't they know that global warming is real?

Shiiiiiiiiit. The people bitching about clotheslines don't even know what they are bitching about. What's it going to be when we have NO resources in 30 years? Would it matter about seeing somebody's socks on the line then? I think not. These people should be commended for trying to do something for the environment. Personally, I seldom use a dryer. I hang EVERYTHING outside. I do a load at night, and then hang it out in the morning. It waits for me until I get home, and then I fold and put away.

Here's what I am going to do. I am going to hang Aunt Ethel's underwear on the line. When the people in the neighborhood bitch about it, I will tell them that it's not underwear, that it's actually a ship's mast on a sea of green. People in Marin pay a premium for a view like that.....

Shocking My Kids by Going to Church

My 21 year-old son wanted to know where I had been when I returned this afternoon. I replied, "I went to the gym, to the grocery store, and then to church."

I could see my son's eyes widen in astonishment. His mouth was gaping open. The look on his face suggested that I returned home with a pink mohawk, nipple and belly piercings, and all-over-body tattoos.

"You....you....went to CHURCH?"

Yes, I really did go to church, and a CATHOLIC one at that," I replied.

I thought my son was going to fall on the floor and start doing the worm.

I am a very spiritual person, but I am not religious. I do not condemn Christianity, I do rather embrace it -- I also embrace other religions as well. It's just the stupid rules and conditions that people have put to Jesus's word that totally turns me off. A lot of it can be traced to when I began questioning things in Catechism when I was in second grade. The nuns hated me.

Anyway, I am getting off track as I why I actually set foot in a Catholic church today and the walls did not fall in. See, every October 11th I go to church to light candles in remembrance of loved ones who passed away. There are five close relatives of mine who all died during the month of October. I go and light candles and pray for them. Upon entering the church, my Catholic behaviours automatically return to me. I look for the Holy Water, make the sign of the cross, and genuflect at all the right places -- all without being conscious of what I am doing. No wonder Italians talk with their hands with all the hand gestures and genuflecting the Catholics do. It's almost like a mime show.

I found my way to the candles located on the left side of the alter near the base of the statue of Mary. I dutifully insert some money in for an offering. I look for and light five unlit candles in a row. I drop to my knees and make the sign of the cross (again). It's at that point the tears start uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks. Each year I tell my self I am NOT going to cry. Each year I do.

Facebook Annoyances

I somewhat reluctantly joined Facebook about 9 months ago or so. It's a double-edged sword. On the upside I am able to connect with lots of people at once, and on the downside I am able to connect with lots of people at once.

Here are things that totally piss me off about Facebook:

1. Status postings that make me want to gag, like, "Joe and I are celebrating 17 years of wedded bliss today."

Who gives a fuck. Everybody but you knows that Joe is having an affair with the barista from Starbucks. Maybe that is what is making marriage tolerable for him to your fat, demanding, whiny, obnoxious ass. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

2. The creeper ex-boyfriend. There was a reason why the relationship ended when I was 18. I don't think that has changed.

3. People who post their status every 30 minutes. That is what Twitter is for.

4. People who post cryptic, tecnho-jargon in their posts. OK. So you're a fuckin' computer geek and I am a complete dumb ass. Enough.

5. The "How Well Do You Know Joe/Jane" quizzes. This one really pisses me off. I don't need to take some lame online quiz to determine the depth of my friendship with somebody. My real friends are the ones I have seen through many, MANY... and I mean MANY life challenges. We know where we stand with each other. No stupid online quiz would ever even come close. Looper, Mich, CG, and Flywriter immediately come to mind. You know who you are. PM and SY, you know who you are, too.

6. The "Join My Cause" invitations. Unless it involves free beer on a Friday or Saturday night, count me out.

7. People who post pictures while they are on vacation. This is another one that really pisses me off. They will post such shit as, "Joe and I are embarking on an 8 day cruise to Mexico. Here is a picture of our ship cabin."

Needless to say, they will spend 7 of the 8 days doing the technicolor yawn kneeling to the porcelain god in their ship cabin from Montezuma's Revenge or too much tequila. You be the judge.

8. Profile pictures that defy the laws of gravity. Honey, we all know you had a boob job after high school. We don't need to be reminded. You're not fooling anybody.

9. Friend requests from people you don't really remember. I suppose we had adjacent lockers in 7th grade. Whatever.

Unsolved Genetic Mysteries

Way back when I was in elementary school the question was asked of me, "What are you... are you Italian or Native American or half breed or what?"

See, in Minnesota, which is the land of the lily white northern Europeans of fair hair, blond hair, and blue eyes my dark hair, high cheek bones, and olive skin tone was just *barely* unusual enough to draw mild questioning. Put me in the sun for five minutes and I turn instantly brown.

On one occasion I was asked if I was part Asian. Well, maybe part Eskimo would be more like it? I don't know. I guess my family being on the North American continent for over 300 years tosses just about any genetic probability into the mix.

Anyway.... there is something "dark" in the family genetics and I have yet to figure out what that might be. I have my guesses......

Mortgage Rescue Scammers

A new type of slime has oozed its way into practice. You've seen their cheesy commercials on late-night television. You've seen their bill boards, and also received their e-mails soliciting troubled homeowners to renegotiate their mortgages.

I guess the scammers require up front payments of thousands of dollars only for the scammers to disappear with the troubled homeowner's money without delivering on their promises of debt restructuring.

Here is what I don't get. If the troubled homeowner has thousands of dollars to give to the scammers up front for fees, why in the hell didn't the homeowner just pay the mortgage on time?

Walk to School Day

....wow..... this lame heading in the Santa Rosa Press Democrat Empire News Section today confirmed in my mind it really was a slow news day. The Bored Mom's on Prozac Committee have managed to draw attention to YET another worthless cause that (yawn) is already common sense to anybody with any higher cerebral functioning whatsoever. Of course you can donate money to their cause and volunteer for their spaghetti feed (and yes, pun is intended) to draw awareness to "WALK TO SCHOOL DAY!"

I shit you not... Sonoma County gives headlines for what used to be the "norm" not so many years ago. Kids walking to school. BFD. Who-da-thunk kids walking to school would be newsworthy?

If little Maria walks to school today, she will be greeted on campus by a giant, inflatable, walking, cartoonish heart! Not only that, they have organized a parade of kids WALKING TO SCHOOL complete with banners!!! WOW!!!!!!! Make way, everybody.... NOBODY HAS EVER WALKED TO SCHOOL BEFORE! THIS IS NEWS!!! WE NEED TO HAVE WEBSITES AND FUNDRAISERS AND TWITTERS AND FACEBOOKS AND MYSPACES AND BLOGS AND CALL THE PRESS AND AND AND AND AND AND AND AND AND ....(exasperated inhale) (gasp)

Who in the fuck thinks of this shit????? Obviously, somebody with waaaaaayyyyy too much time on their hands.

Not to sound like my elderly Aunt Ethel, but back in my day walking to school was just, well, expected. We walked in the rain, sleet, and snow.... for three miles....uphill....each way... You were a whiny, coddled, snot if you got a ride from your parents. Not so very long ago getting a ride to school was almost unheard of. Yes, there were buses, but to get an actual ride???? In a private car??? By your parents??? Your legs must have been broken in order to pull off such a luxury.

But nooooooo.... in America, the land of the stupid, lazy, and obese, walking to school runs parallel to winning an Olympic gold medal. Wally-E is looking more and more like reality, folks. If you're greeted with a giant, cartoonish, inflatable, walking heart you will know......

More Middle Child Syndrome

Yes, I am a middle child. I have an older sister, an older brother, and also a younger brother. I am number 3 of 4. To make matters more middle-childish, I am the second daughter -- which automatically registers me as "high" on the "completely ignored" scale.

Anyway.... I suppose there is something to be happy about being a lowly middle child. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for my birth order in the family. For instance, most middle children are:

1. Low maintenance
2. Do not demand anything
3. Do not expect anything
4. Middle children are flexible
5. Middle children are used to having things NOT go our way
6. Middle children can adapt to their surroundings no matter how hideous
7. We are socially tuned in

We are only bitchy and unpleasant on blogs.....

Polka Mass

My mother informed me of a new trend at Catholic churches in Minnesota -- the Polka Mass. When my mother first described it, I envisioned people dancing in the aisles. I asked her if a date was needed to go to church, or if you just grabbed a partner. Amused by my ignorance, my mother said that people were NOT dancing in the aisles. They just had a live band playing polka music instead of the traditional church hymns.

The kicker for me having my uber Catholic mother tell me she received communion to the polka band playing "Roll Out the Barrel."

Now that's a church service I would like to attend.

Payroll

You really get to know people doing payroll. I am in charge of payroll for 6 entities. Payday is almost always guaranteed to bring controversy. Let me tell you straight up that I do NOT play games with payroll. I follow each and every rule there is. I'm not that greedy and I'm not that dumb to rip people off. It's just wrong. However, with the issuance of payroll always brings forth the following arguments:

Q: You took out too much in taxes.
A: No. The amount withheld is in accordance to the W-4 form YOU filled out and signed.

Q: Why did you withhold so much for social security and medicare?
A: Because I have to. If you have an issue, gripe to the government and not me.

Q: I need to pay some bills, can I get an advance on my paycheck?
A: No. You know when payday is. It's always the same. Plan and spend accordingly.

Q: YOU BITCH! YOU GARNISHED MY WAGES!
A: This one is my favorite. Garnishing wages is not something that is done lightly. However, when a notice is issued to us by the government, we are legally required to comply. Part of the compliance process is that we have sent you notice of such garnishment well in advance so you could either take care of it or plan for such a garnishment. It's not my fault you don't read your mail, nor is it my role to be your personal bookkeeper.

Most of the time wage garnishments are for taxes or child support. A lot of times it's the wives who call wanting to know why child support was withheld.... I'm not going to touch that one with a ten foot poll. What a way to find out about the other woman and the child he fathered.

The other argument I get on wage garnishments is that they have taken care of the issue and there is no need to withhold the money. Really. When an issue like that is taken care of we are legally required to enforce the wage garnishment unless we receive a notice, in writing, from the government. I usually never hear about it again.

Health Care Reform

I love bitching about this topic. If you ever want to see me turn eights shades of red and blow like a volcano, just mention this in my presence.

A "for profit" system is doomed to fail. Don't you all think there is something fundamentally wrong with making obscene profits over somebody's illness? I do realize that money is needed for research and development. I do realize that people involved in medicine need to make a living. I just have a problem with people raking in a living. It's just gross.

It reminds me of when my mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor *knew* she was terminal and tried to talk the family into more treatments for her. The poor woman had already been through the wringer, and in her mid 80's, she was just too tired to go on. We wanted hospice to come in. The doctor tried her best to talk us out of it. Now we know why. Once the patient is released to hospice, it cuts off the money train to the doctor.

On an unrelated note -- is there one person out there who provides prescription drugs for a company health plan tell me straight up how pharmaceutical companies determine pricing for drugs? All the formulas I've seen are convoluted as hell, go whichever way the wind blows, and Einstein himself would not be able to figure them out. What makes me even more suspicious is that the pharmaceutical companies won't tell you. Talk about getting the run-around from department to department and fingers pointing in every direction. On second thought, there is some consistent finger pointing going on. It's always the middle one straight up in the air. Makes me wonder what they don't want us to figure out.

Words I Will Never Hear

Here's a compilation of words and phrases I have resigned myself to never expect to hear in this lifetime:

1. You've won the lottery;
2. Allow me to cook dinner and clean up the kitchen for you;
3. You can quit your job;
4. The kids and I are disappearing for a few days so you can have the "alone" time you desperately need;
5. I love you (and really mean it);
6. You can have the remote.

Maybe next lifetime? Gee..... can't wait to find out.

Northern vs. Central California

I was schooled tonight by a native Californian in regards to political pockets. Being raised in Minnesota, I thought that it was ALL of California that was extremely liberal. I have not lived in Orange County or any other part of California other than northern California.

The political beliefs of those on the central California coastal region (and central valley) are very conservative -- meaning republican. They think we in northern California are complete FREAKS! Can you believe that?

Anyway... my friend who "schooled" me is a native central Californian of a conservative, republican upbringing. She happened to marry a northern Californian "hippie" freak of liberal values. She adapted to her husband's liberal view of things.

Talk at the Thanksgiving dinner table with her conservative, republican family have never been the same. When the United States was just contemplating getting into the messy war in the middle east my hippie friend spoke up at the Thanksgiving dinner table and said that the United States had no business going over there to start anything. One of the other conservative, republican dinner guests inserted into the conversation that he was currently serving in the United States military in the capacity of "intellegence." He said, without a doubt, that there were WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION and the United States NEEDED to engage in combat. He *knew* for a fact that the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION were out there because of his title and position.

My hippie friend called BULLSHIT. The evening ended. Everybody went home. A couple of years later they STILL have not found the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION that the so-called-in-the-know-tied-in-military-intelligence-dude was for certain were out there.

We're still waiting.

My hippie friend has too much class to bring this up for conversation at subsequent Thanksgiving dinner table discussions. However, he revels in silent victory knowing he was right all along.

All the World is a Stage

I was reading in the paper today about some local pseudo Donald Trump who wheeled and dealed Somona County investors out of loads of money. Some say he is a local hero who is a victim of the economy. Some say he is an embezzling, kaniving asshole. My bet is on the latter.

I guess it's true. All the world is a stage. All I need to do is put on airs and bullshit people into giving me money. I just need to pretend to know what I'm doing. I can wear fancy clothes and drive around in fancy cars, too. I can also use words like "due dilligence" to dupe investors. Wow... suckers are born every minute.

When my luck runs out I can count on those to whom I have tossed a few bucks to attempt to redeem my reputation testifying to anybody who will listen what a hero I am. The only reason I am a hero is because of money????? Let's look at our core values, people....

Everything is for sale. All the world is a stage.

Piss Ball

How many of you out there have ever been to an Oakland Raider game? Come on now, there is no shame in admitting dressing up in black and silver and knocking out most of your own teeth to fit in. It's kind of fun. The entire parking lot looks like a homeless camp complete with fires burning in garbage cans.

Oakland Raider tailgate parties are second to none. If you have a death wish, parade around the parking lot in the opposing team's jersey. You will soon be covered in beer and whatever else they decide to throw at you. That's if you're lucky.

The last Oakland Raider game I went to involved a tailgate party. The problem with tailgate parties is that a bathroom is not convenient. This is more of a problem for ladies than for the men. One guy decided that any attempt at looking for a bathroom was just too much effort so he just yanked down his pants and pissed a huge puddle right in the middle of the parking lot.

Anyway, a few cars down from us a family was tossing a football around the parking lot playing catch. Lo and behold a toss was missed and the football rolled right into the middle of this puddle of piss. They boy, who must have been about 5 years old, just ran over and picked it up and started tossing it around! GROSS OUT!!!!!!
Then.... his mother called for him to come and eat. DOUBLE GROSS!!!

This picture was taken today at the Sonoma County Airport in northern California. Again, we needed to be reminded that pot is *still* illegal. We can't take it with us even if we have the "medical marijuana" card. Damn. I better empty my stash before going through security. Sonoma County takes "green living" to a whole different level than the rest of the United States.

The Jesus Club

There is a club at a local high school called the Jesus Club. The name sounds innocent enough. What's not to like about kids getting together for Jesus?

....let me tell you... plenty.

This Jesus Club has extreme political power within the school. The Jesus Club managed to shut down other clubs who they felt threatened, or were opposed to, their own ideals. WTF???? Since when did Jesus go Hitler? I never knew Jesus had an army.

The Jesus Club managed to quietly shut down the blossoming Pagan Club and the Philosophy Club for being "too controversial" and for mixing "church and state" which is so ironic since isn't the Jesus Club's very existence within a public school a mixture of church and state?

Ohhhhh never mind. The "do as I say and not as I do" mentality is so prevalent that those who are guilty don't even see themselves. Fucking morons.

Here's how the Jesus Club recruits.... They offer free pizza to kids. The catch is that they have to listen to their pitch. Think about this for a minute:

Soul = pizza

I would want to believe that a person's soul is worth more than a piece of pizza. Sadly, that's how they reel them in to begin their indoctrination into this narrow-minded, unaccepting, judgmental group parading behind the guise of a crucifix.

BTW... I am NOT anti-Christ. I am very PRO Christ. It's just the judgmental, myopic, ego-centric assholes using His name to drive their own ideals that drives me nuts.

Beatles Rock Band

Yeah.... Beatles Rock Band came out today. I'm in 7th heaven. My son went out and bought it for me knowing what a fan I am of the Fab Four. He said he bludgeoned a middle-aged hippie lady for the last copy. It's all about peace and love.

All kidding aside, we got it set up in the front living room. My band consisted of myself, my daughter, a niece, and a nephew. I don't mean to brag, but I got 100% on the vocals. :)

Silly fun....

Obama's Speech

We finally get a president who is willing to address the young people of this nation. The last time that happened the leader of the free world tried to read a book upside down to kindergartners.

So, how do we encourage this important process of being part of a democratic society? By calling the schools and griping about trying to "brain wash" kids. Are they THAT insecure in their belief system that they actually believe watching a presidential address will corrupt them?

Personally, participation should be encouraged no matter what your political beliefs are. If you disagree with what's being said, take notes and form an intelligent counter-point for discussion at the dinner table instead of trying to restrict your kid from watching. Doing so will prepare your kid for the real world that eventually you will not be able to shield him from unless you keep him locked in your basement for his entire life and censor his every move. What are you afraid of? Your kid forming his OWN opinions and not blindly following YOURS? Talk about "brain washing." Look in the mirror. People like you scare me.

Some schools are even sending out permission slips for this event. Give me a BREAK! What a waste of time and paper. It's just people who are bitching and complaining and they don't even know what they're bitching and complaining about.

Here's a message to school administrators: Have the kids watch and don't waste time with permission slips and all that crap. Let the parents who have issues make a public jack-ass of themselves. Who cares. The rest of us in the silent majority support what you're doing 100%.

Most Unnecessary Traffic Sign Ever

This sign was posted in a retirement community. It's the most redundant sign EVER. I did not know that seniors could drive anything BUT slowly.....

Yearbooks

I have a niece who is on her high school yearbook committee. I guess serving on the yearbook committee also qualifies for a grade. Here is what our educational system is teaching these impressionable young minds: YOUR GRADE IN THIS CLASS DIRECTLY CORRELATES TO THE NUMBER OF ADVERTISEMENTS YOU SELL.

No shit. The teacher is giving grades on the dollar amount of ad space sold. There is something fundamentally wrong with this, and quite frankly, it totally pisses me off. They even had a representative from the yearbook company come out and teach these kids how to use sales pressure tactics and how to wheel and deal. WTF???? Don't you think more should be focused on content and editing than the dollar amount of ad space sold????

Town Hall Meeting: Health Care Reform

There was a town hall meeting tonight regarding health care reform. I had every intention of going, but things like working got in the way. Somebody has to work to pay for these half baked, hare-brained ideas through tax dollars. However, really do need reform.

Seriously, I wanted to go as I've heard reports about right-winged nut jobs pulling Jerry Springer tactics to stir controversy. Do they even know what they're mouthing off about? I want to hear intelligent debate -- not some knee jerk reaction from some half-jacked, front row loud mouths trying to get their fifteen minutes of fame.

I am hoping that the politicians will heed the silent majority. No, we will not be the ones jumping up and down in the front row screaming obscenities. We are seriously trying to sift through the issue without drawing attention to ourselves. We have too much class to stoop to such trailer-trash levels. Please know our numbers are 1,000 fold than those low-class loud mouths.

We are out there. We are silent. We are watching everything. We vote.

Health Care Reform

.....don't hold your breath. The maggots at the top are reaping obnoxious amounts of money and our politicians, including Savior Obama, are on their payroll. That's the sad truth. Don't wait for the government to save you. They won't. The only thing you can do is to protect yourself.

The number one cause of bankruptcy in this country relates to astronomical medical bills. I guarantee that either you or one of your loved ones will experience this. If you're lucky enough to currently have medical insurance, don't expect it to last too much longer. It's simply too expensive for employers to maintain. The employers will shift costs to you, but it's still too expensive to maintain.

When medical bankruptcy hits you, as it most certainly will, don't have any assets. They can't get blood from a turnip. Don't bother to accumulate any wealth. They will just suck it from you for medical expenses when you eventually get sick.

My sister-in-law does not have medical insurance. She has very modest assets and works at a very modest wage. Of course, her employer cut out health insurance this past year. A friend-of-a-friend told her about a "free" program for health care. My sister-in-law does not qualify because she makes $50 more per week than the limit, and she owns her own home. That's her reward for trying to be a good citizen.

On the other hand, this friend-of-a-friend is an illegal immigrant. They qualify for the free medical care because they have no reportable wages and no assets because they are paid cash under the table.


Who's the idiot?

Tom Delay: Dancing With The Stars

WTF??? Tom Delay on Danciing with the Stars??? You've got to be kidding me. Are they THAT desperate? I suppose we could all laugh as we watch him do the white man shuffle. Anybody got an extra banana peel????

The Unclean Esthetician

My office is in a building that has LOTS of different types of tenants. We have been in the same office for many, many moons and I know the comings and goings of each tenant.

There is an esthetician in the building who does NOT wash her hands after going to the bathroom. Gross. This is not a one-time thing. This has been going on for years. Even others in my office have noticed this. To look at this woman you would think that she stepped off a fashion magazine, as she is very glamorous looking and always well-groomed.

Sorry, looks can be deceiving. I don't want some woman with shit under her fingernails giving me a facial. If her clients only knew......

Gender Test

There is a South African runner whose gender is being questioned as a female. Here is a direct quote from the article, "Before the race, IAAF spokesman Nick Davies stressed this is a “medical issue, not an issue of cheating.” He said the “extremely complex” testing has begun. The process requires a physical medical evaluation and includes reports from a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist, internal medicine specialist and gender expert.

WTF??? Extremely "complex" testing? Either she has one, or she doesn't.... What's so complex about that?

I don't get it....

Spotted Dick: Yes, you really do eat it

I spotted this (no pun intended) at the grocery store yesterday. The first thing that came to mind was, "Excuse me, but doesn't this belong in the pharmacy section?"

All kidding aside, I have a running joke about Spotted Dick with my good friend in England, CG. The name of this English treat does not evoke the snickers it does over on this side of the pond.

And yes, CG, I had to buy it.

Organic Matresses

I think the whole "organic" thing has been marketed to death, don't you think? Now we have organic matresses. Wow. Are they stuffed with pot leaves? A good night sleep is guaranteed. On second thought... orgaSmic mattresses would be a better marketing theme;)

Wall Street

...Wall Street is at it again. They are using obscene bonuses to attract what they think is "key" talent in the industry. Are they out of their fucking minds? Please tell me now in the hell they can be so talented if they drive everything into the ground... and then have the audacity to whine to the government and tax payers that they need to be bailed out.

I am perfectly capable of driving companies into the ground. AND.. I will do it for a lot less.

Prosti-TOTS

My brother-in-law called this type of pageant "Prosti-TOTS." I laughed my ass off, but then became sad for the little girls who don't know any better and don't have anybody sticking up for them. They are being exploited by the very people who claim to "love" them. Poor little girls...

What kind of sick parent sells out their daughter for this shit???? ....and mentally justify it? There is something twisted about dressing up a 5 year old child to take on the mature atributes of a grown woman, and then parade her in front of a bunch of strangers to be "judged" like she is nothing more than a piece of meat. Let's not even talk about the guy in the back row beating off to this legalized child porn show.

Sick....

Who is the Drain?

Let's see...... big banks dole out $32 billion in bonuses with our hard-earned tax dollars while the sick and elderly get shafted.

Who is the drain on the system???

Male Baldness

I'm just sitting here listening to the tv drinking coffee. It's a typical weekday morning. The television is blasting some irritating commercial promising miracle cures for male baldness.

I never understood why men get so freaked about hair loss. Hair (or lack thereof) has never been a determining factor in what I find attractive. Grass does not grow on a busy street.

California Sales Tax

This is not a joke. This picture was taken at a Subway sandwich shop in Sonoma County, California. I want to know which bloated, over-paid government bureaucrat contemplated this ridulous set of sales tax rules. I'm sure it just was not one bored bureaucrat trying to justify living off the public trough.. I'm sure there were many involved in this. No wonder the State of California is such a mess. They're wasting time and energy on stupid, useless shit like this.

Who audits this crap? Is the California Hot Sandwich police going to close down Subway because it toasted sandwiches, collected sales tax on it, and then did not report it to the state; therefore, keeping the tax as profits? What if my bottled beverage contains juice (which is not taxable)? Is that taxable? How much juice does a bottled beverage need to have in order to be non-taxable?

Do you see how STUPID all of this is? Raise up, people, and let your representatives know our money would be better spent on doing something that is actually productive and serves a real purpose -- like giving tickets to cell phone yakkers.

Driving Basics: Use of Blinkers

Do you remember drivers ed? Do you remember the section that pertained to blinkers? Let's review: the use of blinkers (signals) allows the other drivers to anticipate your intention of direction. This simple action is common courtesy and alleviates accidents. The intent of a signal is to communicate to other drivers BEFORE the action of a turn is taken -- not during or after.

I think every driving dork in Sonoma County has forgotten the basic rule using turn signals. I see people turning on their blinkers AS they are making the turn. Thanks a lot, fuckwad... I've already figured out you're turning. It's like screaming "Happy New Year" five minutes after midnight and after the horns are blown and all the confetti thrown... Useless.

Public vs. Private Employers

I have been exposed to the depths of the public work sector and the private work sector. Both are ugly. Of course, there are always exceptions to stereo-types, but in my 20+ years experience in dealing with employee relations a specific pattern has emerged.

The public (government) work sector is generally lazy and unmotivated. They will do the bare minimum to get by, and drag their feet and whine the entire time they are doing it. There is no accountability for anything. Everybody points the finger at somebody else. I have yet to see an efficient government operation.

Some larger corporations can also take on the government work model. I've seen that happen. They can get away with it until the company can no longer hide its debt with any more shell games on the books. Then, the company makes the final transformation into a government entity by begging the government for money because they're "too big to fail."

The private work sector will work employees into the ground in the name of "competition" while the top reaps any and all rewards sharing very little with the people who got them there. The over-zealous, greedy, type A assholes win in this scenario.

I'm afraid it's a choice of the lesser of two evils. However, I'm not sure which one it is. My sage advice for employer/employee relations still remains as....

Employers: Don't be a bunch of greedy bastards.
Employees: Do your job and quick fucking around.

Government Tit Suckers

I work in an industry where I have access to privileged financial and background information of some government employees. What I see day in and day out makes me want to throw up. Some of the worst "scammers" of the system are the government employees themselves. These scammers are not your typical rank and file clerks at the DMV. They are high-level state employees, some elected, some even retired, still trying to milk as much funds for themselves as possible. I have not even touched on the rampant abuse of workers' compensation fraud and disability claims for police and firefighters. That's another rant all in itself.

I have absolutely NO trust in the upper echelons of the state or federal government. Their M.O. is to secure as much for themselves in pensions and other retirement benefits (did I also mention jobs for their friends/families?) Putting on a facade of serving you is an inconvenience they must endure on their path to lining their own pockets.

Wake up people!!!!! There is a reason why there is such resistance on cutting government. These same morons who we elected to serve us want to raise your taxes are helping themselves to the feeding frenzy at the trough. JUST SAY NO to any more tax increases and insist on accountability.

The government bloat at the top is real, and that is where the real budget crimes are happening... The reason they have gotten away with it is that they have barricaded themselves with separate departments, fuzzy budget math, complicated funding sources, insane disbursement formulas that even Einstein would not be able to figure out, and layers upon layers of subordinates who are willing to lie and die for their master for hopes of climbing the government ladder themselves to benefit from this insane system. High ranking government employees are the modern "untouchables." Greedy bastards.

Zoo Homos

I could not help but chuckle to myself in reading the paper today about the penguins at the San Francisco zoo. The allegations are that a 'female' penguin broke up the long-standing nesting/homosexual relationship between the two male penguins.

It's all so utterly predictable. Blame the female. It's been that way since Adam and Eve. Whatever. Yawn.... That's not the tangent I'm going to go off on today.

What is even more amusing is that there are nutcases out there claiming that nature "prefers" heterosexual relationships and that is why the "gay" male penguin finally went straight.

I can bet a million bucks that none of these people spouting such opinions ever spent any time on a farm with livestock. Typical city slickers... spouting off on subjects they have no real-life experience with... Let me tell ya.... homosexuality is alive and well in the animal kingdom. There are males humping males, females humping females, and any and all combinations thereof.

I just want to know which biblical quotes these animals go by, what religion they follow, and how were they influenced by society to be gay and/or bisexual/or heterosexual?

Lawsuit

The other day I received a ream of paper in the mail regarding a lawsuit where I may be a beneficiary of a supposed settlement. The jack-ass lawyers took over 300 pages of fine print to convey a message that would have better said with 5 words or less. What is the purpose of dragging out and confusing people with their jargon? Are they trying to justify their $225 per hour?

In order for me to be considered for the settlement, I need to fill out and submit 30 pages of forms and also include: original samples of my dog's shit from two years ago, proof of confirmed sightings of Elvis, hair follicles from Jimmy Hoffa, and my pap smear results.

Who writes this shit? They should be shot.

News Flash: Michael Jackson Died!

Hey!!!! Have you heard that Michael Jackson died?

Seriously, I think we've reached the saturation point with our obsession with this celebrity death. Every paper and magazine in print has his picture plastered on the cover along with every detail of his life from birth until death. Why are we so wrapped up in this and have constant news coverage of Sheniqua hysterically bawling into the camera, who trekked all the way from Tennessee and set up a make-shift memorial with balloons and candles on Hollywood's walk of fame?

Here's a news flash for Sheniqua from Tennessee: Your 15 minutes of fame are up.

Was Michael Jackson talented? Absolutely. Was he a nut case? Absolutely. Does his death deserve constant news coverage 24/7? Absolutely not.

Never mind the North Koreans with their nukes pointed and ready to go. Never mind China and the riots. Never mind the mess in Africa. Never mind the war in the middle east. Never mind the fragile state of our own economy, ecosystem, and politics.

If we could only rally such emotion and participation displayed for Michael Jackson's death and channel it for the political process.....Wow... think of what we could get accomplished. Not to steal Michael's lyrics, but "the would would be a better place for you and me."

Cell Phones in the Bathroom

Please.... don't use your cell phone while in the bathroom. Maybe you don't mind broadcasting your grunts, plops, tinkles, and flushes to the free world, but I prefer my privacy -- even if we are separated by the stall wall.

It's rude and it's just downright gross. Is there no dignity with people anymore? Can't you leave your cell phone alone long enough to use the toiliet? Nobody wants to hear this conversation...

"Well, Jess, the at the last meeting we *grunt* *plop* approved the new budget for 2010. Yes, our investors seem really *tinkle* excited about our project. We should have our team ready *flush* by the end of the month."

Now that your bowels have been emptied, you may now place your cell phone there.

Fuck YOU, you FUCKIN FUCK

I have been in a rather downer all mood all week. Many friends of mine are going through some major shit right now. However, I saw this bumper sticker and started laughing so hard I didn't think I could keep from shaking to take a quick picture of it.

I want one for my car.

One Week

In less than one week, I found out:

1. A very, VERY good friend has stage 4 cancer;
2. One of my best friends from high school tried to commit suicide;
3. An old flame/guy friend from North Dakota has a chronic disease;
4. A couple we are good friends with are splitting up.

Let's see.... what else can happen? Is there any good news? I don't even want to answer the phone anymore. I was on vacation last week, too. I could not enjoy it because my thoughts were preoccupied with those I care about who are suffering.

Believe it or not, despite my bitchy facade on this blog, I truly do have empathy for what people are going through. I just want to help them....

Twilight

OK.... I admit it. I finally read Twilight against the pleas of literature snobs. Guess what. The literature snobs were right. However, I found that I had to read the entire book no matter how cliche and corny it was. It's just like that last Twinkie. You know it's bad and full of crap, but you eat it anyway, and you know you'll regret it.

....burp....

Now..... I need to see the movie.

Airport Security

I wish I could say that this way my photo, but it's not. My travels took me to San Francisco's airport recently. What I found sooooo amusing was that there was a guy wearing a turban working the passenger screening for the San Francisco Airport security.

And we're worried about grandma's hand sanitizer and hairspray?????

Mark Sanford: South Carolina Governor

The uber-conservative South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford (married, father of four), was caught in his affair with some woman from Argentina. How's that for family values, you right-wing nut jobs? It seems they all get caught with their wiener where it's not supposed to be. The irony is too much.

Yesterday's paper included the steamy e-mails between Mark Sanford and his mistress. Wow.... the poor bastard is in love, and we as society are totally bashing him. His e-mails to his mistress were full of love and passion. Personally, I would KILL to get such e-mails from a man. It's enough for this left-wing-uber-liberal woman to jump party lines (no pun intended) if these consevative Republicans have so much pent up passion in them.

Let's put this in perspective. This man's fall from grace is being in love. I have a hell of a lot more respect for that than some of these other politicians who are getting away with killing, stealing, and screwing the public.

More Job Losses

For the most part, I don't believe any statistical data that is thrown at me by the media. I used to give the media some credit, but not anymore. They are whores to political and monetary agendas. Being politics and money go hand-in-hand, it seems a perfect match.

Anyway..... I have the financial pulse on several companies throughout the Bay Area. I also have the financial pulse on several government agencies in Northern California.

Let me tell ya, it ain't pretty, folks. Each and every single entity I deal with is bleeding cash like there is no tomorrow. People are getting their salaries slashed or laid off completely. Even with layoffs, many of the entities I deal with will simply be out of money within the next 12-24 months.

At this point it's crisis management. Nobody has any money. Economic stimulus? Please. The only thing that is getting stimulated is your rear-end as the politicians have you bent over a barrel and give it to you yet again (without a kiss, I might add).

There are so many pirrahanas in the stimulus water that there is not one person who can tell you straight up how and when this so-called savior of our economy is going to help anybody except the upper levels of government bureaucrats and special interests who are at this very minute conspiring how to keep the money for themselves. There is no such thing as "trickle down" unless it's shit, and we all know that rolls downhill.

Now the press is declaring an economic recovery. Really? How does the press have access to intimate financial details of several industries? They're just reporting what is being fed to them by their johns. This leads me to job losses. In one industry I deal with, unemployment is at about 40% and getting worse by the day. The trend is not better for the other industries, I fear...

It's ugly out there, folks. Many people who have lost their jobs have timed out on their unemployment and have rolled of the statistics, therefore creating a false "recovery" in unemployment. They have not gotten new jobs. If they are lucky enough to find additional work, it is at much less than what they were making before.

Back in 1992 I wrote an essay for my Economics 1-A class at SRJC. It was regarding the future of America's economy. I closed it with, "If we are going to have a world economy, the United States will have an economy like the rest of the world."

Welcome to becoming a toilet nation, everybody... we will be no different than Mexico, China, India, or any other shithole country.