Polka Mass

My mother informed me of a new trend at Catholic churches in Minnesota -- the Polka Mass. When my mother first described it, I envisioned people dancing in the aisles. I asked her if a date was needed to go to church, or if you just grabbed a partner. Amused by my ignorance, my mother said that people were NOT dancing in the aisles. They just had a live band playing polka music instead of the traditional church hymns.

The kicker for me having my uber Catholic mother tell me she received communion to the polka band playing "Roll Out the Barrel."

Now that's a church service I would like to attend.

Payroll

You really get to know people doing payroll. I am in charge of payroll for 6 entities. Payday is almost always guaranteed to bring controversy. Let me tell you straight up that I do NOT play games with payroll. I follow each and every rule there is. I'm not that greedy and I'm not that dumb to rip people off. It's just wrong. However, with the issuance of payroll always brings forth the following arguments:

Q: You took out too much in taxes.
A: No. The amount withheld is in accordance to the W-4 form YOU filled out and signed.

Q: Why did you withhold so much for social security and medicare?
A: Because I have to. If you have an issue, gripe to the government and not me.

Q: I need to pay some bills, can I get an advance on my paycheck?
A: No. You know when payday is. It's always the same. Plan and spend accordingly.

Q: YOU BITCH! YOU GARNISHED MY WAGES!
A: This one is my favorite. Garnishing wages is not something that is done lightly. However, when a notice is issued to us by the government, we are legally required to comply. Part of the compliance process is that we have sent you notice of such garnishment well in advance so you could either take care of it or plan for such a garnishment. It's not my fault you don't read your mail, nor is it my role to be your personal bookkeeper.

Most of the time wage garnishments are for taxes or child support. A lot of times it's the wives who call wanting to know why child support was withheld.... I'm not going to touch that one with a ten foot poll. What a way to find out about the other woman and the child he fathered.

The other argument I get on wage garnishments is that they have taken care of the issue and there is no need to withhold the money. Really. When an issue like that is taken care of we are legally required to enforce the wage garnishment unless we receive a notice, in writing, from the government. I usually never hear about it again.

Health Care Reform

I love bitching about this topic. If you ever want to see me turn eights shades of red and blow like a volcano, just mention this in my presence.

A "for profit" system is doomed to fail. Don't you all think there is something fundamentally wrong with making obscene profits over somebody's illness? I do realize that money is needed for research and development. I do realize that people involved in medicine need to make a living. I just have a problem with people raking in a living. It's just gross.

It reminds me of when my mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor *knew* she was terminal and tried to talk the family into more treatments for her. The poor woman had already been through the wringer, and in her mid 80's, she was just too tired to go on. We wanted hospice to come in. The doctor tried her best to talk us out of it. Now we know why. Once the patient is released to hospice, it cuts off the money train to the doctor.

On an unrelated note -- is there one person out there who provides prescription drugs for a company health plan tell me straight up how pharmaceutical companies determine pricing for drugs? All the formulas I've seen are convoluted as hell, go whichever way the wind blows, and Einstein himself would not be able to figure them out. What makes me even more suspicious is that the pharmaceutical companies won't tell you. Talk about getting the run-around from department to department and fingers pointing in every direction. On second thought, there is some consistent finger pointing going on. It's always the middle one straight up in the air. Makes me wonder what they don't want us to figure out.

Words I Will Never Hear

Here's a compilation of words and phrases I have resigned myself to never expect to hear in this lifetime:

1. You've won the lottery;
2. Allow me to cook dinner and clean up the kitchen for you;
3. You can quit your job;
4. The kids and I are disappearing for a few days so you can have the "alone" time you desperately need;
5. I love you (and really mean it);
6. You can have the remote.

Maybe next lifetime? Gee..... can't wait to find out.

Northern vs. Central California

I was schooled tonight by a native Californian in regards to political pockets. Being raised in Minnesota, I thought that it was ALL of California that was extremely liberal. I have not lived in Orange County or any other part of California other than northern California.

The political beliefs of those on the central California coastal region (and central valley) are very conservative -- meaning republican. They think we in northern California are complete FREAKS! Can you believe that?

Anyway... my friend who "schooled" me is a native central Californian of a conservative, republican upbringing. She happened to marry a northern Californian "hippie" freak of liberal values. She adapted to her husband's liberal view of things.

Talk at the Thanksgiving dinner table with her conservative, republican family have never been the same. When the United States was just contemplating getting into the messy war in the middle east my hippie friend spoke up at the Thanksgiving dinner table and said that the United States had no business going over there to start anything. One of the other conservative, republican dinner guests inserted into the conversation that he was currently serving in the United States military in the capacity of "intellegence." He said, without a doubt, that there were WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION and the United States NEEDED to engage in combat. He *knew* for a fact that the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION were out there because of his title and position.

My hippie friend called BULLSHIT. The evening ended. Everybody went home. A couple of years later they STILL have not found the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION that the so-called-in-the-know-tied-in-military-intelligence-dude was for certain were out there.

We're still waiting.

My hippie friend has too much class to bring this up for conversation at subsequent Thanksgiving dinner table discussions. However, he revels in silent victory knowing he was right all along.

All the World is a Stage

I was reading in the paper today about some local pseudo Donald Trump who wheeled and dealed Somona County investors out of loads of money. Some say he is a local hero who is a victim of the economy. Some say he is an embezzling, kaniving asshole. My bet is on the latter.

I guess it's true. All the world is a stage. All I need to do is put on airs and bullshit people into giving me money. I just need to pretend to know what I'm doing. I can wear fancy clothes and drive around in fancy cars, too. I can also use words like "due dilligence" to dupe investors. Wow... suckers are born every minute.

When my luck runs out I can count on those to whom I have tossed a few bucks to attempt to redeem my reputation testifying to anybody who will listen what a hero I am. The only reason I am a hero is because of money????? Let's look at our core values, people....

Everything is for sale. All the world is a stage.

Piss Ball

How many of you out there have ever been to an Oakland Raider game? Come on now, there is no shame in admitting dressing up in black and silver and knocking out most of your own teeth to fit in. It's kind of fun. The entire parking lot looks like a homeless camp complete with fires burning in garbage cans.

Oakland Raider tailgate parties are second to none. If you have a death wish, parade around the parking lot in the opposing team's jersey. You will soon be covered in beer and whatever else they decide to throw at you. That's if you're lucky.

The last Oakland Raider game I went to involved a tailgate party. The problem with tailgate parties is that a bathroom is not convenient. This is more of a problem for ladies than for the men. One guy decided that any attempt at looking for a bathroom was just too much effort so he just yanked down his pants and pissed a huge puddle right in the middle of the parking lot.

Anyway, a few cars down from us a family was tossing a football around the parking lot playing catch. Lo and behold a toss was missed and the football rolled right into the middle of this puddle of piss. They boy, who must have been about 5 years old, just ran over and picked it up and started tossing it around! GROSS OUT!!!!!!
Then.... his mother called for him to come and eat. DOUBLE GROSS!!!