death: happening now - during a Ringo Starr show

Where do I start?  I will set the stage.  A very, VERY close friend of ours has been battling cancer.  We are more like family than friends.  We have always gone through life's big moments together.  About Christmas time another couple we are mutual friends with contacted us and asked us if we wanted to go see Ringo Starr in San Jose in June.  Of course, being the avid Beatle fan I am we jumped at the chance and purchased tickets and made a hotel reservation downtown catty corner from the concert venue.  

As the months went on between December and June our friend with cancer kept getting worse and worse.  I will refer to our friend with cancer as "Bobby".  In early March we knew that Bobby's condition was getting worse, and the likelihood of he and his wife joining us for the Ringo Starr concert were diminishing by the day.  

As the Ringo Starr concert date approached it was apparent that Bobby's condition was terminal and hospice was called in.  Bobby was the type of guy who wanted everybody to have a good time and live life.  He was the eternal optimist full of love and hope.  He never wanted anybody to be sad.  He wanted us to go to the concert.  

Well, last night was the Ringo Starr concert.  We went to the concert with the other couple who are mutual friends as we all have a long and shared history.  We talked about Bobby on the car ride down to San Jose. 

During the concert my husband started crying.  He is not the type of guy to cry.  My friend, Suki, leaned forward in her chair, wine glass in hand, and asked if everything was ok.   No.  It was not ok.  Suki and I both felt that Bobby was here with us, as did my husband who was crying because he could feel it as well.  

Lo and behold we received the news shortly after the concert that Bobby had passed away.  Here's to you, Bobby.  So many memories and good times were shared. Bobby is now truly the Spirit in the Sky.

 

 

The Harsh Reality: Eldercare

 Here is what I am finding out with public services and support for broke elders who live alone:  There really isn't any.  

All these 'do-gooder' agencies do is refer you to another organization and have you fill out yet another form.  When they finally get around to contacting you, all they do is refer to yet ANOTHER agency where a form must be completed....and then wait.  

There is no shortage of agencies that promise help for the disabled and aging.  The only thing these agencies actually "do" is refer you to yet another organization.  Nobody actually provides any meaningful services despite the jazzy website and glossy brochures gushing about how much they care.  

Here is the painful truth:  Push your demented elder down the stairs.  Why?  Because then 911 must be called and then there will be action because it is an emergency.  Your elder can't be legally discharged from the hospital because your elder lives alone and it is not safe.  They will move your elder to another facility.  A broken hip is a small price to pay to get actual care 24/7.  

Of course I am being snarky, but the point stands.   

I have three emotions as of late:  anger, resentment, and compassion.

I am angry with my sister-in-law for not planning for her future.  I am angry she blew through her inheritance money without a thought as to whom will be wiping her bottom when she no longer can.  I am angry she just expects us all to step in and save her.  

I am resentful that now any and all vacation plans are canceled or on hold indefinitely because of her inability to take care of herself.  I am resentful that we are saving for our OWN retirement and I have family members in Minnesota who are elderly and need attention.  

My husband and I are not so heartless to leave sister-in-law completely alone with nobody available to help.  Yes, my husband's family is around in annoyingly large numbers; however, they all disappear and are unavailable when push comes to shove (with the exception of an honored few - and they have their their own aging and disabled immediate family members who need attention).   Who knows how long the situation with sister-in-law will last?  Three months?  Six months?  Five years?  Ten years?  

I feel compassion that sister-in-law does not have children and she never married - which leaves her vulnerable and alone.  I feel compassion that she is truly struggling mentally and physically.   I feel compassion because she is in so many ways a great person.  I think of all the fun times we have had over the decades.  

Sigh.