The Best Worst Funeral

 Yes, it is a contradicting title for this post.  Today was Bobby's funeral.  True to Bobby's wishes, the funeral was held out at the beach and everybody was encouraged to dress in Hawaiian garb.  Bobby's favorite music was playing:  CSNY, Bob Marley, Beatles, Santana, Grateful Dead.

Lots of people showed up to honor him.  Old friends came from far and wide to honor Bobby.  It was so great to see everybody.  Everybody brought their beach chairs and a dish to share.  Then it came time for people to talk.  The first to speak was Bobby's son. The Sunday before Bobby died he was out in the backyard with his son expressing his wishes for his funeral to be at the beach.  After describing to his son what he wanted, his son made a remark that this was going to be one hell of a party and that Bobby should really be there for it.  Bobby looked at his son and said, "I will be there."

Well, I lost it.  The tears came and I could not turn them off.  After Bobby's son spoke, people were invited to share their memories of Bobby.  My own son got up to speak.  He recounted a time when they were at the grocery store together when my son was about 7 years old.  Bobby nudged my son and said, "Hey, see that person over there?  Go up to that person, say hello, and smile.  I bet you that person will smile at you and then that will encourage that person to go up to somebody else, smile, and say hello."

 I had no idea my son carried that story with him all of these years until he shared it this afternoon.  Bobby encouraged him to spread love and joy.  A smile costs nothing to share.  Bobby also told my son that the most important thing to wear at any occasion was a smile.  Mostly, always leave people better than you found them.  Again, I lost it crying.  

Bobby was truly a gentleman and genuinely loved people.  I wish there were more people like Bobby in this world.  Honestly,  sometimes I would think that he was the Second Coming of Christ.  I do not mean that in a snarky, disrespectful manner.  Bobby truly walked the path of loving kindness by donating his time and resources to the community and to those in need.  He never boasted nor sought recognition for his deeds.  He was kind and humble to the core.

Bobby came from a very privileged upbringing.  He grew up in Pebble Beach in an affluent home complete with servants and attended very prestigious, private schools.  He would work at the golf course in the summer parking cars in the early to mid 1970's for weed money (which was illegal back in the dark ages).   Fun little fact:  Clint Eastwood would ask for Bobby to park his car for him as Bobby was his favorite valet.  

Yes, Bobby had a very charmed upbringing. 

Life took a turn.  Bobby's dad lost his business.  During the turmoil Bobby's dad had an affair that ended his parents' marriage when Bobby's mom found out.  It's a long and complicated story, but what Bobby got out of it was that the unrelenting quest for money, status, and power ruined people.  He vowed to live his life by completely different values......and he did.

Even my crusty cowboy father liked Bobby, and my dad pretty much hated everybody.  That in itself says a lot.   

I will miss you, Bobby.   Truly.  

 

 

 

 

death: happening now - during a Ringo Starr show

Where do I start?  I will set the stage.  A very, VERY close friend of ours has been battling cancer.  We are more like family than friends.  We have always gone through life's big moments together.  About Christmas time another couple we are mutual friends with contacted us and asked us if we wanted to go see Ringo Starr in San Jose in June.  Of course, being the avid Beatle fan I am we jumped at the chance and purchased tickets and made a hotel reservation downtown catty corner from the concert venue.  

As the months went on between December and June our friend with cancer kept getting worse and worse.  I will refer to our friend with cancer as "Bobby".  In early March we knew that Bobby's condition was getting worse, and the likelihood of he and his wife joining us for the Ringo Starr concert were diminishing by the day.  

As the Ringo Starr concert date approached it was apparent that Bobby's condition was terminal and hospice was called in.  Bobby was the type of guy who wanted everybody to have a good time and live life.  He was the eternal optimist full of love and hope.  He never wanted anybody to be sad.  He wanted us to go to the concert.  

Well, last night was the Ringo Starr concert.  We went to the concert with the other couple who are mutual friends as we all have a long and shared history.  We talked about Bobby on the car ride down to San Jose. 

During the concert my husband started crying.  He is not the type of guy to cry.  My friend, Suki, leaned forward in her chair, wine glass in hand, and asked if everything was ok.   No.  It was not ok.  Suki and I both felt that Bobby was here with us, as did my husband who was crying because he could feel it as well.  

Lo and behold we received the news shortly after the concert that Bobby had passed away.  Here's to you, Bobby.  So many memories and good times were shared. Bobby is now truly the Spirit in the Sky.

 

 

The Harsh Reality: Eldercare

 Here is what I am finding out with public services and support for broke elders who live alone:  There really isn't any.  

All these 'do-gooder' agencies do is refer you to another organization and have you fill out yet another form.  When they finally get around to contacting you, all they do is refer to yet ANOTHER agency where a form must be completed....and then wait.  

There is no shortage of agencies that promise help for the disabled and aging.  The only thing these agencies actually "do" is refer you to yet another organization.  Nobody actually provides any meaningful services despite the jazzy website and glossy brochures gushing about how much they care.  

Here is the painful truth:  Push your demented elder down the stairs.  Why?  Because then 911 must be called and then there will be action because it is an emergency.  Your elder can't be legally discharged from the hospital because your elder lives alone and it is not safe.  They will move your elder to another facility.  A broken hip is a small price to pay to get actual care 24/7.  

Of course I am being snarky, but the point stands.   

I have three emotions as of late:  anger, resentment, and compassion.

I am angry with my sister-in-law for not planning for her future.  I am angry she blew through her inheritance money without a thought as to whom will be wiping her bottom when she no longer can.  I am angry she just expects us all to step in and save her.  

I am resentful that now any and all vacation plans are canceled or on hold indefinitely because of her inability to take care of herself.  I am resentful that we are saving for our OWN retirement and I have family members in Minnesota who are elderly and need attention.  

My husband and I are not so heartless to leave sister-in-law completely alone with nobody available to help.  Yes, my husband's family is around in annoyingly large numbers; however, they all disappear and are unavailable when push comes to shove (with the exception of an honored few - and they have their their own aging and disabled immediate family members who need attention).   Who knows how long the situation with sister-in-law will last?  Three months?  Six months?  Five years?  Ten years?  

I feel compassion that sister-in-law does not have children and she never married - which leaves her vulnerable and alone.  I feel compassion that she is truly struggling mentally and physically.   I feel compassion because she is in so many ways a great person.  I think of all the fun times we have had over the decades.  

Sigh.