Shit My Dad Says

My father is part of a dying breed.  He's an original, gritty Midwest farmer.  He is the toughest, hardest worker I know and is extremely practical in all aspects of life.  Logic and responsibility definitely rule his world.  Work comes before pleasure.  Always.  The problem is that there is always something to do, so he doesn't sit around on the couch watching TV.  If there is something to be fixed, he fixes it.  No instructions are needed....he will sit and tinker with something until he figures it out.  Everything is precise and exact, and has a place and a purpose.  There isn't any waste with anything. 

Dad also has a vocabulary from a time and a place that has changed dramatically leftover from the pioneers who settled the land.  A few words and phrases and some of them you already know.  I've included the word and also use in a sentence to try to get the full experience.  Somehow, I always fall flat.  Dad is much funnier when he says it.

Railroad Shit
"Johnny has been gone for about an hour now while the rest of us are working our butts off.  Where did he go?  He must be taking one of those railroad shits."

Tits on a Boar
"Mark is about as useful as tits on a boar."

Piss-hole Eyes
"Your eyes look like two piss holes in the snow."

Viking Funeral
"Daisy the mare died.  I think we will give 'er the ol' Viking funeral and burn her."

Pissing on an Electric Fence
"That dumb-ass Norwegian is so dumb, he couldn't learn anything if he pissed on an electric fence."

You look like a God-damn Swede (a greeting)
"Hey Sven, nice to meet you.  You look like a God-damn Swede.  Come on 'in ya dumb Swede.  We got some lefse and lutefisk for you."
 (translation:  Swedes, Norwegians,  Danes and Germans dominated the initial wave of pioneering farmers.  You may think they all look alike, but to them there is a HUGE difference much like thinking that all Asian people look and act alike.  The best way to happily greet but yet insult is to offer them food from your own corner of Scandinavia.  Lefse and lutefisk are markedly Norwegian.  Hence, greeting Sven the "dumb Swede" with Norwegian food.  It's a control power trip maneuver.)

Starting a Fire with a Cigarette (bar bet)
"Fires get blamed on lit cigarettes.  I bet you $25 bucks you can't start a fire with a lit cigarette."
True story.  My dad has won a considerable amount of money on this bizarre bar bet.  He has even put a lit cigarette into a bucket of gasoline.  The cigarette went out.  It's the fumes that ignite, not the liquid.  Don't try this at home, kids.

Drunken Rows
Not a fight at a bar.  It's when a farmer plants his crop and the rows are not perfectly straight.  Liken it to being pulled over by the cops and given the inebriation test of walking in a straight line.  "Ole must 'uv been into the firewater when he planted his corn.  Look at his drunken rows." 

....and now.... dad's 'seed cap' he got at the feed store.  It's required wearing for anybody operating a John Deere tractor.