Coyotes

 The coyotes have been very vocal lately.  One of them will get to howling.  Pretty soon many of them are howling.  When it wakes me up in the middle of the night it sounds like someone is having a party and the howling is laughter.  

Aloha from O'ahu North Shore

 My daughter just turned 30.  Wait.  Let's do the math.  How can I be *that* old already?  This past weekend was my high school 40th reunion.  I was not there, and neither were my soul sisters.  Why?  My soul sisters were attending the wedding of Blue Eagle's daughter.    I was on O'ahu's north shore for a work meeting that extended into a celebration of my daughter's 30th birthday.  The 30th birthday had been planned for a year.  Otherwise, I would have been at Blue Eagle's daughter's wedding.  Last choice would have been my 1985 class reunion.  

I do not know why class reunions are relevant any more.  Once upon a time people actually looked forward to catching up with their old crushes and meeting their now spouses (damn, why did he marry THAT wretched toe rag!  I am soooooooo much BETTER).  We all wanted to go to show up how our exes missed out and make them envious at what we had become and what they could have had.  Missed it.  Boo-hoo.  Over and out.  Ex-boyfriend is now stuck with dowdy Sally Sad Tits while mine are still pert-n-perky.  Hey, ex-boyfriend, meet me in the coat room so you can remember?  Huh????  I'll show you.  Yeah, I see you looking at me.....(coat room door closes and the window fogs).  

I digress.  Really, class reunions are all about bragging.  Only the rich and the thin go back.  In this day and age of constant social media connection, I no longer see the point of subjecting myself to more bragging by classmates who have a chip on their shoulder and something they need to "prove" to the world.

Fact:  Social media has eliminated the need for class reunions.  We *still* can't shake the butt-head who was two lockers down from us and was in our biology 101 class thanks to "friend suggestions" from Meta AI that we all should revolt against.    

Here is today's truth.  Everybody posts pictures and documentaries of their every meal, vacation, surgery, trip to Costco, divorce, remarriage, job promotions, births of children and grandchildren (and of course how precious and perfect they are), trophies and medals their kids have collected, and detailed accounts of bowel movements that have required more than one flush, etc., on social media.  Oh wait.  I forgot *the* main social media topic:  MY POLITICAL VIEWS ARE SUPERIOR TO YOURS AND YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Truth bomb:  I can handle the happy family news, no matter how sappy,  way more than I can handle the political self-righteousness.  

I got off point.  Celebrating my daughter's 30th birthday on O'ahu was very spiritual.  We did not plan it to be that way.  The ancients welcomed her home at the north point.  I heard them rejoice at her return.  This will not make any sense to those who are convinced that this is the only dimension.  

 

The Funeral

 CHP's funeral was last Tuesday.  We showed up, sat in the back, and paid our respects to the (undeserving) widow and her exact likeness of a daughter.  

It was the SuperBETCH Jr., show complete with subtitles for anybody who might have a difficult time understanding that SHE was the one in charge and running everything.  Even the priest made a comment about her monopolizing everything.  I so wanted to change the channel.

SuperBETCH Jr. made the announcement that a luncheon was being provided at a local restaurant following the ceremony.  Sadly, the announcement was not a true invitation.  People felt the weird vibe and did not attend the luncheon.  Where did people congregate?  At our house.  We did not make any announcements nor try to hijack their luncheon in anyway.  We were simply exhausted from being exposed to the prolonged drama that was made even worse by SuperBETCH and SuperBETCH Jr.  We just wanted to go home after the funeral and feel our emotions.   

People just started showing up at our house.  Pretty soon we needed to order a bunch of pizzas.  Pretty soon it was a full-blown gathering.  There were tears shed and also some laughter along with some really amazing stories of CHP delivering a baby on the Golden Gate Bridge and stories from Balboa High School back in the 1950's.  

Come to find out that some of the people who actually did go to SuperBETCH's luncheon left in a hurry because of the awkward and cold energy.   We had more people at our house honoring CHP after the funeral (which was not planned) than SuperBETCH did at her fancy luncheon where napkins were counted out to an exact number and placed exactly 3 inches from the place setting.  

Yup.  Beer, pizza and salad still rule the day.  Hey, we even had some cheesy garlic bread.    It's even better if it is not planned.  

GFYS, SuperBETCH and SuperBETCH Jr.  So glad we will never have to see either one of you ever again.  BUH-BYE. 

 

 

Sometimes I Loathe Being Right

As the tarot cards predicted (coincidence or not) CHP died.  Quiet Rage has been, well, quiet.  There has been a lot to process in the last couple of weeks.  Tomorrow is the funeral for CHP.  SuperBETCH will not put anything in the paper until after the ceremony.  That is her right as a widow.  However, it robs CHP's friends, colleagues, and military buddies the opportunity to say good-bye unless someone in the family was allowed access to CHP's phone - in which nobody was.   

For whatever reason, SuperBETCH, along with her mini-me daughter SuperBETCH Jr., loves being the center of attention and in control.  She has always had ill feelings for anybody on CHP's side of the family.  I fit the description.  

What was troubling was beside the fact that I could not give a rat's behind about her treating me badly. but she treated my kids and my husband with such utter disrespect that it is appalling.  I will not go into details, but my husband was denied saying his final good-bye to his brother on his death bed.  Same with my kids.  Why does this bother me?  Because I saw CHP on Tuesday (I am the one cooking and bringing prepared meals to the immediate family as they are in no head space to even think about meals - it is just what Minnesota prairie women do to help).  

I went into the house and CHP was in his hospital bed and he looked so frail.  My daughter was also there.   We chatted with CHP and he still had his sense of humor.  CHP, with his weak and raspy voice, was the one who asked my daughter and I if we wanted a water or Dr. Pepper - not SuperBETCH.  SuperBETCH took the food that I cooked and fed it to herself everybody including SuperBETCH Jr., and her spawn.  I was good enough to supply food, but not good enough for a glass of water from SuperBETCH.  Whatever.  I politely declined the water and Dr. Pepper.  I did not want to trouble SuperBETCH for water (I bring my own water bottle anyway).  

Well...this was Tuesday.  For better or for worse, my daughter and I felt peace when we left CHP that day.  I feld in my heart CHP did as well.  We had some laughs, we reminisced about the old times, and it all ended on a good note.  There was also some past family drama my daughter sincerely apologized for her part in it.  The visit ended with CHP asking about my son and stating that his brother (my husband) and I did a good job raising the kids.  It made us all smile with the exception of SuperBETCH who sat in a chair with a puckered-up face that resembled a cat's arsehole.  

I told CHP I would bring over the old family movies that were taken in San Francisco and Sonoma in the 1950's when the home movie technology first came out.  He smiled.  He was looking forward to that.   

Things suddenly turned for the worse the very next day.  My husband went over to see him as he was going downhill quickly.   SuperBETCH denied him entry.  My husband is not some random stranger who appeared on the doorstep to sell solar and try to convert to a certain religion.  It's his BROTHER.  SuperBETCH denied him entry because she thought he was with a family member who is despised by all.  Lame excuse. Same with my son.  My son drove from San Jose as CHP asked about him.  He was also denied entry.  CHP died that night.  

Yes, death is very sensitive.  It is very personal.  Nothing brings up family drama like weddings and funerals.  

The funeral is tomorrow.  We will show up, be respectful, sit in the back, and blend in with the background.  We will not cause a scene.  

After the service tomorrow we will wash our hands of SuperBETCH and SuperBETCH Jr.   Just who are they going to call when SuperBETCH has a slip and fall and SuperBETCH Jr., can't lift her up?  They have alienated everybody.  

Get your popcorn ya'all.  The holidays have just gotten more and more interesting.  It's a good time to be out of the country or back in Minnesota.   

 

Hi How Are You? I'll Be Dead In A Few Days

 Things are quite uncomfortable at the home of Quiet Rage as of late.  Why?  My brother-in-law, CHP, was sent home from the hospital yesterday to die.  When my daughter was in Santa Rosa at the hospital visiting CHP on Sunday she noticed that there was a white dove on the hospital door room.  Do you know what that means?  It basically means a terminal situation and to leave the patient alone as family is coming in to say their good byes.  

Now CHP has been brought home.  He is still cognizant and wanted something to eat.  He is fully aware of his terminal situation.  The doctors and his immediate family will not let him eat anything as his intestines are blocked and would cause him extreme pain.  He is on a diet of broth.  

Of course, this angered CHP to no end.  He knows he is dying.  He wants a milk shake.  He does not care if it causes him pain or causes him to die two days earlier than predicted.  He just wants a bloody milk shake to taste and ENJOY.  GIVE CHP THE MILK SHAKE.  The other thing that angered CHP was the placement of the hospital bed in the living room.  He thought he was coming home to sleep in his own bed.  Nope.  There is also the presence of 24/7 hired care so SuperBETCH can at least get a few hours of sleep.  

CHP is depressed and angry.  Who would not be depressed and angry when faced with the reality of your own death within the next 14 days.   

My husband went to see him today and spent a couple of hours to hang out with his only surviving brother.  CHP was grateful that my husband was there.  Long story short, they have a very complicated relationship.  At least both of them have realized there is no time for fussing or fighting over past hurts.  

Here is where it hits the soul.  CHP asked my husband to hand him his phone.  CHP is still old school and also has a Rolodex of sorts.  CHP asked my husband to dial the phone for him so he could reach out to his old Marine Corp buddies, his old CHP partners, childhood friends, etc., to tell them he has days to live.  

Imaging being the recipient of that phone call.  "Hi, you have been very important part of my life.  I wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed our relationship.  I will be dead in a few days.  I want you to hear it directly from me instead of reading it in the obituaries."   

Worse, imagine being the person making the phone call.   

 

 

 

My Rider Tarot Deck and Death

 People make fun of me with my witchy-woo-woo, but that is fine.  I can take the ribbing because I know it is not mainstream.  Part of my witchy-woo-woo are tarot cards.  Over the years I have been given an assortment of tarot decks including a goddess deck and a spells deck.  My favorite deck is my classic travel Rider deck.  Yes, a tarot card reader has a relationship with the cards.  Over time, it is just natural to form different relationships with different tarot decks.   

Where am I going with this?  

 My husband's brother has always been a big, strong man.  He is a retired Marin County CHP sergeant, and he is also a Marine Corp veteran who served in Vietnam.  He is also an arsehole.   He married a superBETCH (long story) and they had two kids together:  superBETCH junior, and NiceGuy (who are now both in their 50's).  

Long story short, my husband's brother and family (let's refer to husband's brother as CHP) was very absent from family throughout his adult life.  CHP did not come around when his father was dying.  CHP did not come around when his mother was dying.  CHP did not come around when one brother was dying.  CHP did not come around when his oldest sister was dying.  I will not go into the details, but CHP and SuperBETCH pretty much dissed the extended family.   

When my husband's mother died, CHP was not left anything in the inheritance because he never came around when their father was dying nor when their mother was dying.  CHP's sister got it all (which is another long story as she was the one who actually dealt with it all).  

Well, of course, CHP and superBETCH being the type of people they are, were all upset because they did not get anything.  They shunned the rest of the family.  There is a whole other lotta drama that goes along with this.  The long-established pattern for the last 50+ years is that CHP and SuperBETCH are always angry at someone in the family for some reason and seethe about it.   

TOXIC!

I have known for a while now that CHP was not in good health.....but.....the doctors kept stating there is hope if they try this treatment and that.  It has been my hope that CHP would get better and reconcile with family before it is too late.  We have invited CHP and SuperBETCH to our house for a BBQ, we have invited them for dinner, etc.  Our invitations went ignored.  We even went so far as to write a heart-felt letter stating how they are important to us and to talk to us about why we have been cut from their lives.  Nothing.

About a month ago knowing that CHP was trying another healing approach, and also knowing my husband is upset over the unresolved relationship issue, I took out my Rider tarot deck and sat with that thought for a while.  I really tried to hone in on CHP's energy.  

After sitting with Rider deck concentrating on CHP's energy, I finally drew one card.  It was X of Wands.  The first thing any reputable tarot card teacher will tell you is to TRUST YOUR INTUITION of your feeling upon seeing the card drawn.   Sure, there is the major and minor arcana and all sorts of labels to each card...but....the feeling you get when you see it is the most important.  

What immediately struck me for the X of Wands and CHP's energy was extreme guilt, sadness and regret.  It is heavy on him.  The Wands suit in the Rider tarot represent the spiritual world and your soul's contract.  Wands are a "meaning of life" suit.  X represents the completion of conclusion on the path.   I wrote in my journal that I knew CHP was not going to get better and he will die with regrets.  I did not tell my husband because I did not want to put anything in his head that might not turn out to be true.  I am a novice tarot reader.  

Today we get the call from CHP's son, NiceGuy.   NiceGuy informed us that CHP is now on hospice and they are sending him home from the hospital tomorrow to, well, ....um..... die.  They give him 2 days to 2 weeks.  

Unbeknownst to me, my daughter went to the hospital to see CHP today.  She was met with a chilly reception from CHP's daughter, SuperBETCH Jr.  CHP gestured for my daughter to come in despite SuperBETCH Junior's interference at the door.   CHP was in tears knowing that he can't properly make amends and how important family is....CHP blew his chance.  He is burdened with his regret.  His soul contract is complete for this lifetime.  He will have to wait until another lifetime to make amends.....assuming the universe sees right to afford him the opportunity.  

CHP, who was once the epitome of a handsome, big, and strong man is now a shadow of his dying self.  I hate to break it to all of you, but the same fate awaits for all of us.  Get over yourselves.  Get over your petty grudges and judgements.  Love more and hate less.  I can promise you will not regret that on your death bed.   

 

 

It is Soooooooooo QUIET!!

 I've had the honor of having my sister here visiting, and then the honor of having J and P from England come and visit.  It has been a busy spring here at the home of Quiet Rage.  It all seems so surreal.  It's been a year since J and P told us they were coming to visit.  Poof.  Their visit has come and gone in an instant.  When we first learned of their intended visit we thought the day of their arrival would never come fast enough.  Their visit went by so quickly that we did not even complete the list of day trips I had written down.  Oh well, it's something to look forward for a future visit.  

I was so glad my sister came out to have a little break from taking care of my mom full-time.  She sooooooooo deserved just to read a book near the fire pit in peace and quiet.  Also, she is still mourning the death of her husband despite the 10 year anniversary of it.  My sister holds emotions in to a fault.  She never allowed herself to process grief.  But then again, how do you ever get over the death of the love of your life?  I was glad she finally allowed herself to cry.  She is always trying to be so strong for everyone else that she does not allow herself to feel.  I was honored that she felt she was in a safe space to just let herself feel.  There were *many* conversations around the fire pit that lasted until the wee hours of the morning.....our should I state mourning.  

J and P brought such a joy to us.  It takes a lot of faith on their part to come and stay with us crazy Californians.  They surely got to experience all of the extended family drama.  LOL.  It was so much fun to see J and P take in all the sights that I take for granted as I see them regularly.  For example, going over the Golden Gate Bridge was something remarkable for them.  Walking over the Golden Gate Bridge was something J had on her bucket list.  I'm glad I could accommodate that for her as that is something only tourists do LOL.  You all would be shocked at the number of people who were born and raised here who have NEVER walked across the bridge.  Spoiler alert:  Walking across the bridge is incredibly NOISY with all the traffic that is inches away from you.  Bring ear plugs.  

I think what sealed the deal with our warped sense of humor was playing Cards Against Humanity as J and P had never played before.  I did warn them it was raunchy.  We laughed until our stomachs hurt.  In return, they taught us the proper conditions as to when to call somebody a WANKER.