I'm Sexy and I Know It

Yeah.... for real..... there is something very "Weird Al" about this.  I love it. 

It's Fucky Out: Momma Finn

One of my BFF's in Minnesota had a Finnish speaking mother.  God bless you if you can understand a Finn.  I spent a lot of time at my friend's house, so some words just were damn funny to hear.  One thing that sticks out to this day is when it's foggy outside, like it is here tonight in Sonoma County.  My friend's mom would say that it's "fucky" out.  Ok.... I was 10 years old.  Hearing such language was cause for a gasp followed by howling laughter.  Her cute accent was adorable.  She also had a way of asking us girls to do the dishes that to this day I can not quite repeat correctly. 

This same Momma Finn would also buy us beer as underage kids.  We would go to the cabin where us teens actually had our own cabin ALL TO OURSELVES - as they owned three on the lake.  Momma Finn had the main cabin, and us kids had the party cabin.  We would sit around the campfire with Momma Finn drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and telling stories.  Imagine.  Seventeen year old kids hanging out with 45 year olds and LIKING IT!  I also remember playing cards and then skinny dipping just because we could.  There was something very freeing about it all. 

That's about the time Beanie magically showed up on his bike......he rode 70 miles just to be there. 

Black Friday or Thanksgiving?

They've finally done it.  They have commercialized the hell out of Thanksgiving.  Nobody is even talking about Thanksgiving, just the stupid-ass Black Friday Consumer Frenzy that follows.

Once upon a time, there was something called Sunday and holidays to spend relaxing with family and friends -- or in quiet reflection alone.  Stores were closed on Sundays.  Nobody worked Sundays.  The world paused for a moment.  It was expected and nobody was made to feel guilty for the break. 

Then bit by bit stores were open on Sundays and people worked Sundays.  The time for pausing was eliminated.  Sunday just became another day of the week.  The only thing left sacred was Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

Well, now that's gone too thanks to big box retailers hocking shit made in China paying their employees minimum wage to give up what's left of a family holiday to report to work at midnight to break up fights in the store aisles between materialistic women tug-of-warring over the latest toy-rage-gadget whatever. 

I don't know who I hate more -- big box retailers or the dumb-ass shoppers lining up at midnight.  I want to take a paint ball gun and pummel them all.

I can only control my own actions, and I can guarantee I will not enter any type of shopping establishment on Thanksgiving Day or line up outside of BigBox central.  Refuse to participate in this madness.

Oijua Board

Remember Ouija boards?  I do.  Ouija boards are a portal into the spirit world.  Yes, I have had experience with Ouija boards.  No, I don't think they are automatically evil.  However, I explain Ouija to the young and curious that it's a lot like going into an internet chat room.  You have NO idea who is really on the other side communicating with you.  You could be inviting serious trouble -- or it could be some playful, harmless spirit.  The best advice is to refrain for even going there.  Once the door is opened, all sorts of unwanted energy could come pouring through. 

I totally understand the fascination with the unseen.  I am of that sort and can sense things that most people would never feel.  Spirits are like people -- people are spirits with skin and bones.  Some are good, some are ok, and some are not good at all.  It takes all kinds. 

Merry Christmas Yuppie Scum!

Microvave Popcorn: Toxic Waste

Foods that rank right up there with Girl Scout cookies as toxic waste?  Microwave popcorn.  I don't care if the label boasts 100 lite calorie Orville Redenedpecker Orgasmic Supreme.  It's still toxic waste.  Read the label. This shit is worse chemically than eating a McDonalds BigMac. 

You are better off using one tablespoon of canola oil in a large pot to pop REAL popcorn.  To season use a bit of parmesean cheese and a couple shakes of hot sauce.  Toss to combine.  Real food.  Real snacks.  If the mood strikes you, use a little real butter....  

Dear Abby STILL SUCKS!

Dear Abby must be an automated robo-machine at this point.  Everything must be on automatic recycle as she still (yawn) tries to disguise letters plugging her "for fee" publications as actual letters from readers.  I've bitched about his before.  I can't believe people have not caught on.

Actual letter that appeared in today's paper:

Dear Abby,
I can't believe the business letters I get that are addressed to me using my first name.  I don't *know* these people!  How dare they send me correspondence addressed as Dear FirstName.  They go right into the trash!  It ruins my day!  I'm so insulted!  How crass and unprofessional.  I don't get outraged by spam, telemarketers, and salespeople who show up unannounced.  However, these LETTERS addressed to FirstName have my worked underwear up my crack to the point of discomfort!  Have they not read and obeyed your Dear Abby Canned Letter Template!  Please educate the world and make it required reading!

Signed,
Planted Letter Hocking Your Publications

Dear Planted Letter,
Last year I tried to disguise my "Dear Abby Canned Letter Template for Sale" pitch from some poor slob who did not know how to communicate via pen and paper as everything is electronic these days.  This year I'm really grasping as nobody with a life gives a fuck about how salutations appear, so I had to get creative with my planted letter..... here's how to order.....

Hey Abs, B gr8ful ur stl publshd.  Ur colmn SUX.