Christmas Aftermath

Ahhhhhhhh...... it's all over for another year. I've noticed that just about everybody is in a semi-zombified state the past day or so as they recouperate from massive amounts of food, drink, and RELATIVES.

Relatives are like farts -- everybody prefers their own. But even your own can be overwhelming in a confined space with no room to breathe.

Christmas Rant Part III

Headlines are given to tree-and-ornament haters. Tucked inside today's paper is the story regarding AIG executives not keeping their pledge to return millions in obscene bonuses.

Remind me again what we're pissed off about????

Of course, every thieving, criminal asswipe has some schmuck lawyer trying to twist the obvious into something stupid. Stop. You're just making yourself look bad, Schmuck lawyer.

Here is a sample of schmuck-speak.

"They [AIG executives] have a contractual right to be paid this money. They put in their time, and they have performed all their obligations successfully," said Andrew Goodstadt, a New York lawyer who represents more than a dozen Financial Products employees.

Let's see if I have this right. My tax money is used to bail out greedy executives who fucked up AIG. How is that they performed their obligations successfully again? The executives [again] lied to us and said they would return the money. They did not. The trickle down of this insanity is now supporting this ambulance-chasing lawyer with an ego bigger than his brain.

I say round all the executives up and include their idiotic lawyer, Andrew Goodstadt, and let the firing squad have a field day. The world would be a much better place.

p.s. to Andrew... you much have REALLY sucked in law school to take this case to make a name for yourself. Your 15 minutes of fame are up. You can die now.

Christmas Rant Part II

Today headlines are given to some bored, brain-damaged, Vietnam vet who is offended by "angels" and "stars" on a tree in a government office. WTF???? Doesn't he have REAL problems???? I guess not.

I wish "Charlie" in Vietnam would have found him and KILLED him on site.

I'm all for diversity and stuff like that, but you have to be totally REACHING to be offended by something as innocent as angles and stars on a fir tree. Personally, I have trouble finding fault with anything that wishes humanity something good -- even if it's not delivered via my particular, personal belief. The overall intent is to wish something good to mankind.

OMFG!!!! Let's TWIST this to be something OFFENSIVE and get HEADLINES for being a total ASSHOLE.

I'm not offended by my kids participating in Passover and Hannaukah rituals, or Kwanzaa rituals, Pagen rituals, or whatever else (which they have -- even WITHOUT my direct permission, I might add. It all builds tolerence).

Have I bitched and complained???? No. In fact, I feel quietly honored that my kids have been invited to participate in rituals that we don't practice ourselves. I think it's great.

As long as the message is positive for mankind and spreads peace, I'm all for it. I don't care about pigeonholing the religious origin. It doesn't matter. Peace, love and goodwill are universal. What's not to love????

Get over yourselves, you anti-angel-and-stars-on-a-fir-tree-jackasses, and let nature sing.

Hosting Parties and Holidays

You'd think that people couldn't stand to be around me given my bitchiness. Friends and relatives are calling inquiring about parties that I had no idea I was hosting coming up in the next few weeks.

I guess little has changed since high school. My house was ALWAYS the party house. Granted, there is now wine instead of beer kegs, and nobody is throwing up on mom's rose bushes. There were many nights I had NO idea who was in my house.

Kids + beer kegs + parents away = massive party.

Strangely enough, nobody was destructive or violent -- not even the tough-guy jocks liquered up with raging testosterone levels.

(Sorry, mom and dad. We sure as shit had fun. What in the hell were you thinking leaving me alone in charge as a teen, anyway? Good GAWD, did you have any CLUE what we were up to?)

I guess the kicker now is Christmas morning. I am getting friends and relatives giving me RSVP's that I did not even invite. How in the ^%$#* did I end up with 25+ people coming to my house Christmas morning for breakfast???

Male Gynocologists

Since when is a man an expert on "female" issues? I'm talking about male gynocologists.

I have always wondered what would ever prompt a man to want to specialize female reproductive organs. I'll tell you who -- some geek who never got lucky in high school OR some arrogant asshole who thinks he knows all.

I don't care how many books he has read, prestigious colleges he has attended, or endless interviews with patients he has conducted, there is NO way a man can truly understand:

1. menstrual cramps;
2. PMS;
3. finding out you're pregnant;
4. hot flashes;
5. labor contractions;
6. post partum depression.

The list could go on and on. I still can't comprehend on how a man can be labeled an "expert" that women can trust on issues he himself will never experience first-hand. It's like giving somebody a pilot's license who has never flown a plane.

Microscopic Fax Machines in Cell Phones

...here's a thought for the day after you've smoked a couple bowls....

You know when you call somebody's cell phone and you get the recorded greeting? It says something like, "If you want to send a numeric page, press 2; if you want to send a fax, press 3."

Personally, I have NEVER sent a fax message to somebody's cell phone. I want to know who has.

If you want to mess with an office supply store employee's head, go into an office supply store and DEMAND the paper that fits inside cell phones for faxes.

It's like Sasquatch.... we've all heard of it, but nobody's ever seen it.

The Useless Things People Bitch About: Senator Eshoo

Granted, this blog is used for bitching about a lot of useless things. However, you are not forced to read it; nor, are you being charged for it unlike a newspaper or magazine. If you stumbled upon this blog, you must be *really* bored. It's your fault. You searched and looked for it. At least you're not out any money for reading my useless rants that bitch about nothing.

However, bitching about useless things is not something I want to read about in my daily, local newspaper (which I actually pay money for). The following story is for real -- no shit.

There is a senator from California (sadly, the state where I reside -- actually some of us Californians really do have active brain cells) named Anna Eshoo who is taking up an active campaign on the uber pressing issue of:

CAN YOU GUESS??? IS YOUR CURIOSITY GETTING TO YOU? CAN YOU GUESS WHICH TOPIC SHE IS TAKING TO THE MAT FOR US BEATEN, DOWN-TRODDEN, HARD WORKING, CITIZENS?

IS IT THE WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST?

HEALTH CARE????

IS IT GLOBAL WARMING? OR LACK THEREOF?

WORLD PEACE???

IS IT OVER POPULATION?

THE SUCKY ECONOMY?

PEOPLE LOSING THEIR JOBS AND HOMES?

Nooooooooooo...... this lame senator is taking on the issue of

(drum roll and trumpets, please)

TELEVISION COMMERCIAL VOLUMES!!!!

omfg!!!!!!!!! I did not know what I was going to do until Savior Senator Eshoo came along to champion the too-loud-tv-commercials cause. I thought I would not be able to survive another day, another minute, another SECOND until Savior Senator Eshoo quieted down those annoying late-night television commercials!

If I just had to reach for the remote to push the 'mute' button just ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR there would be a carpral-tunnel disability lawsuit for somebody. I'm sure there would be a loud, obnoxious television commercial to help me find a lawyer specializing in such.....

Thank GOD this Senator has PRIORITIES!!! Here is her quote in the Santa Rosa Press Democrat.

"I just get totally ticked off every time a television commercial comes on at night."

This is what's keeping you up at night, Senator Eshoo? Sorry, but there is no sympathy from us democrats who actually have real problems.......

I think I hear Sarah Palin calling you for a playdate......