Facebook: Identity Theft

Need a new you?  The first place to go when wanting a new identity is Facebook.  You can easily rip off somebody's credit rating, raid bank accounts, obtain a new drivers license, etc., with the push of just a few buttons.  All we really need is:

1.  Your name (which you have posted)
2.  Your address (easy to find using Zabasearch.com)
3.  Copy of your birth certificate (contact county vital statistics with name and birthdate - you have freely posted your birth date on Facebook -- thanks for posting the year as well although we're pretty good at guessing.  The "class of 91 reunion" Facebook event RSVP narrows it down).

4.   Obtaining your social security number is easy.  Send birth certificate to Social Security to get copy of card.  Many of you also list your place of employment.  Depending on the clerk answering the phone we only need to go through one or two people in the department to get the information we want using keenly worded phrases. Also, getting your employer history is easy.  All we need is to request a SSN Form 7050 which tells us where you worked, for how long, and how much you made.  Call former employers and ask just one or two "innocent" questions as if you're conducting an employer reference check.  You'll have a total essay in no time.  Most of the time you get more information than what you ask for.

5.  Finding your mother's maiden name and other such info is also pretty easy.  Most of the answers are already listed in your "friend" network.  It doesn't take a genius to figure it out as most of you segregate your "friends" into a special "family" category. Your "family" network often posts information that puts your entire background picture together with reading just a few bits text.  Your relatives/spouses sing like canaries. 

6.  Using the map pin in conjunction with your vacation pictures gives a free pass to when you're not home.  Love it when you all brag about going on an extended trip across the ocean or rsvp to an event far away.  Remember, you may 'think' only your friends can see your wonderful activities, but everything on Facebook is a free-for-all.

When we have initial information we camp out in front of your home waiting for the mailman to deliver -- no pun intended.  It's a little tougher if you have a P.O. box or mail that arrives inside the home, but a simple change of address form filled out at the post office takes care of that along with having a few connections (if you know what I mean).  By the time you've figured out what's going on and try to prosecute, we are LOOOOONG gone and have the information needed.  We may not even wipe out your bank accounts.  A couple hundred here, a couple hundred there.... It's amazing how many of you don't scrutinize your bank or credit card statements.

For the record, I have NEVER ripped off anybody's bank account or stole anybody's identity, but I'm bewildered that in this age of the dangers of too much personal information getting into the wrong hands, you all volunteer it..... via FACEBOOK.    Who is Big Brother?  It's YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Nowhere Man

This has always been a favorite song of mine.  It speaks so much truth.  The world is at your command.  la la la la laaaaaaaaah.  

Oakland Airport TSA

I can't make this stuff up.  Airport security is a joke.  My conclusion is that TSA employs the otherwise unemployable -- a form of welfare, if you may.

A recent business trip had me departing from the Oakland Airport.  The security line I was in had an elderly couple in front of me.  The little old man was in a wheelchair pushed along by his equally frail little old woman.  The "crossing guard" stationed at the metal detector machine was trying to insist that the little old man get out of his wheelchair.   The little old man was trying to muster up every ounce of energy he could to walk through the metal detector, as now he was the center of attention.  He tried, but could not get up.  I felt so sorry for him and the intrusion that TSA put upon him.

Oh....it doesn't stop there.

On the return trip two TSA employess who were supposedly guarding the passenger exit to prevent re-entry from the baggage claim area were oblivious to what was going on around them.  How could they notice anything when both were glued to their iPhones texting away or absorbed in some app?

Sick Kids

No, this is not an insult thrown at snotty teens.  It's not fair when kids suffer from diseases.  My 18 year old niece was diagnosed with an incurable, debilitating disease when she was 9.  A round of treatment has kept the disease at bay until recently.  Now it's back with a vengance.  She is keeping such a brave face.  I know she is scared out of her mind. 

To add insult to injury,  my niece's 20 year old brother has had a mole removed from his back.  The concern is skin cancer.  As if this family isn't going through enough.  I can't imagine what the mother and father are going through emotionally. 

It makes all the times they trekked mud in my house, drew on the walls with crayon, and dumped baby powder in my fish tank when they were little seem so unimportant and not worth being upset about.

Margarita Challenge

Today I won my first official culinary award.  Out of 24 teams my team won first place in the 'margarita challenge.'  It was more than mixing up a tasty margarita.  It was about team building and making use of resources available.  It was like being on Chopped complete with limited ingredients and 45 minute time frame.  Appetizers were also part of the challenge.

Boston Bombings

It's now the "who dunnit."  Here is my preliminary guess.  As much as we want to blame towel heads, sand niggers, slant eyes, or Mexicans.....  This is an inside job.  My guess is that it's an anti-government, pro-gun group who is also retaliating against tax day.

Time will tell.

The Business Trip

Off again to a beautiful, world-class destination.  To be honest, I'm looking forward to some solitude.  The trick will be escaping the colleagues and customers that will proliferate the resort.  I need to be stealth in making my exit to enjoy some sacred alone time in my room.  

This property is known for its scenic walking trails.  I can just picture it now.  In a few hours I will be enjoying the sights and smells of spring and feeling the sun on my face.  I close my eyes and take some deep breaths in appreciation.  Suddenly, I'm cruelly jutted forward and startled by a stern slap on my back and a booming voice.  It's a colleague.  Damn it.  I've been found.  The booming colleague voice says, "Hey, what are you doing here all by yourself?"

Actually, I was trying to hide from anybody associated with my job.  I won't say that, but that's the truth.  I will then be invited to a group dinner at The Most Expensive Joint in Town.  Transportation will be by obnoxious Hummer stretch limo or the like.  Seating will be next to the Biggest Braggart and his wife, Mrs. I Love Shopping. 

I'm bored to tears.  Making conversation with people I'd rather not talk to is exhausting.  After a four course dinner that has dragged out several hours I'm ready to kill myself.  I'd rather watch paint dry.  At least drying paint doesn't command that you pay attention and try to be interested.  Every group dinner involves a podium whore who wants to corral our attention as desert is being served.  The Biggest Braggart is awarded recognition for Project Cluster Fuck.  Anybody who actually has to execute Project Cluster Fuck knows it's impossible by the unnecessary bureaucracy and confusion.  See, Biggest Braggart can't be bothered with the details as why Project Cluster Fuck is a disaster waiting to happen.  This is his moment in the limelight.  The applause feeds his ego. 

This is where I come in.  I'm the one who silently and anonymously works in the background cleaning up Project Cluster Fuck and reprogramming it to make it actually work.  The end product will look nothing like Biggest Braggart designed.  I will never be at the podium receiving accolades.  I don't want to. 

On the positive side I'm grateful I have a job that affords me luxury of staying at some really nice places.....  If only I had that invisibility cloak. 

Cavewoman

Yeah.... it's so much better to live in my little cave.  I never need to worry about lies from others.  I like it in my cave.  The walls are thick and sound.  I can keep everybody at a distance.  Should you catch me outside of the safe boundaries of my cave I will be congenial.  I will laugh.  I will be exceedingly personable and generous.  However, you will NEVER be allowed access to my heart.....

Suicide at NASCAR

Just read the Yahoo news headline that states, "Man shoots self in infield at NRA 500."

Who wouldn't? 

Nosy Neighbors

Like my life isn't miserable enough living in a fish bowl.  Every bit of activity at my house arouses curiosity and questions from neighbors, most of which are none of their (bleeping) business. 

I got a voice mail from a neighbor on my work line and also on my cell phone.  She did not state exactly what she needed, but wanted me to call her back as she had a question.  I know this neighbor as we have kids the same age and we have connected socially at local events.  I always thought her to be rather nosy, but this blew me away.....

When I returned her call I expected her to ask about a school function with our kids or something of the sort.  This is how the conversation went....

"Hi.  This is NosyNeighbor.  I noticed you have had some extensive repairs done to your home as the construction trucks and activity so indicate.  I also know you have a teen ager you're going to be sending off to college.  Did you know that Bank X offers a great home equity line of credit?  I work for Bank X and get a reward for the number of people who sign up for a home equity line of credit."

I was dumbfounded.  How could anybody make such assumptions let alone have the audacity to ask? 
My financial situation is nobody's business.  What I wanted to tell her was that I have $1.8 million in CASH parked at another bank she does not have access to when NosyNeighbor looks at my account balances just to get a reaction. 

The Arrowhead

A band of Wahpeton Sioux once occupied the land where my grandparents settled on the prarie woodlands.  Chards of the natives' existance are everywhere.  My uncle has a collection of pottery and arrowheads.  I also have a few arrowheads.  They mean more to me than the Hope Diamond or any piece of jewelry.  The arrowheards truly are a piece of my heart. 

North Korea: Kim Jong-un

Would somebody PUH-LEEZE stroke this fat boy's ego so he can relax and believe that he's a world force to be reckoned with and we promise to take him seriously (snicker, snicker).  SNICKERs!!!  OMG!!!  I said the magic word!  Hide that candy bar FAST before Fat Boy launches a nuke.  On second thought, give him the snickers bar because Kim is not Kim when he's hungry. 

Based on the looks of him, the only 'stroking' he's getting lately is with his own hand.  Look at the above photo.  He's proving to the world that his palm is not yet hairy.

Why he's so voracious about running a repressed, shit-hole, third world country is beyond me. I'm sure the North Koreans are just longing to defect..... we have snickers bars.  Take note. 

Yet even MORE Facebook Annoyances

I'm going to write a book on Facebook etiquette.  We need some parameters and guidelines in this world of iPhones and big brother. Let me remind you again, Ignorant Public with Inflated Egos, that Facebook (and pretty much any social media) is a hackers paradise.  Find another venue for your narcissistic tendencies.   Broadcasting your self-absorption WILL come back to bite you. 

1.  NEVER whip out your iPhone with friends and post pictures/location without permission of those present;

2.  Posting pictures of yourself must be done with peppered infrequency.  Nobody likes a camera whore;

3.  Political and religious posts do nothing but piss people off -- no matter which side you're on;

4.  Please stop posting gruesome pictures of babies with exploding heads and the like.

5.  The Golden Facebook Rule:  NEVER post anything that you don't want the entire world to see.  Even if you set your privacy levels accordingly, just know there are security breaches galore.  What you thought was a private message (and perhaps it was) may just pop up public down the road. 

I don't know why I'm sharing this.  I love watching people hang themselves with the Facebook rope. 

Fun With Peeps

Q:  What appears out of this air and multiplies faster than Mexicans?
A:  Peeps.

I do not buy Easter candy.  It seeps in through the walls.  I have no idea where it comes from, but there it is on my dining room table.  Low quality Easter candy is the butt of jokes this week.  Some stupid, silly fun with peeps is to put the chicks in hot chocolate so they have their own private pond to float on.  Another is to put them in the microwave and watch them puff, warp, and melt.  They do make great rice krispy treats when melted down.

....pathetic.... I know.....  what do you expect from a person who put firecrackers in fresh cow manure as a kid to watch it explode for entertainment?