Braggie Christmas Newsletters

I guess some of you did not get the memo at how annoying your Christmas "brag" letters are. I originally posted this two years ago. I guess evolution makes two assumptions:

1. It's always progressive;
2. It takes several generations.

Shit.. That means I am stuck getting your newsletter for years to come. There is no hope of self-actualization and seeing your ego-laden newsletter for what it really is -- a total piece of #$%. I hope you know we all make fun of it and pass it around for laughs. We also invite others to share the most obnoxious news letter and we have a contest. Yours WON!!!

If I get one more obnoxious Christmas "brag" letter I'm going to throw up. It makes me gag when the computer generated, impersonal letters arrive proudly declaring the following predictable categories:

1. How perfect their life is;
2. How monetarily well-off they are (note: I did NOT use the word rich as that has a totally different definition in my world);
3. The exotic places traveled;
4. How wonderful, smart and talented their children are;
5. Employment changes that they deem should be impressive to broadcast.

STOP IT!!!!!! I really don't give a rat's a**. I'm patiently waiting for the following Christmas newsletter that better reflects what's going on without the glossy self-promotion:

Dear friend/relative,

This year has been a challenge as Gerald has been laid off from his job of 20 years. His job has been "outsourced" overseas, and finding employment that pays more than a Wal-Mart greeter is extremely difficult. Our COBRA self-pay insurance runs out at the end of this month, and we have discovered the monthly premiums for health insurance will be more than our house payment. Speaking of house payments, we're several months behind and we have no idea how we're going to make ends meet as we are over-extended financially in every aspect of life. I guess we shouldn't have taken out that second and third mortgage to finance our trip to Europe and to buy that new boat. Damn. But boy, do we look good to everybody from the outside.

Our oldest son, Johnny, has been busted (again) for smoking pot and petty theft. He's still hanging on in school with a strong D+ average and promises of being accepted into the local community college for a full course load of remedial classes. We're so proud!

Our daughter, Susie, is 16 and pregnant. Gerald spent some time in the slammer for assault on Susie's boyfriend when the initial news broke out, but now he realizes that making enemies out of the father of his future grand-child is not the way to go. However, Gerald did figure out that prisoners get free health care, so it may be an incentive for some other slightly-criminal act that will warrant cell-time as our finances get tighter and tighter.

Have a happy and joyous holiday!
Sincerely,
The Real Family Christmas Newsletter You Will Never See.

Christmas Aftermath

Ahhhhhhhh...... it's all over for another year. I've noticed that just about everybody is in a semi-zombified state the past day or so as they recouperate from massive amounts of food, drink, and RELATIVES.

Relatives are like farts -- everybody prefers their own. But even your own can be overwhelming in a confined space with no room to breathe.

Christmas Rant Part III

Headlines are given to tree-and-ornament haters. Tucked inside today's paper is the story regarding AIG executives not keeping their pledge to return millions in obscene bonuses.

Remind me again what we're pissed off about????

Of course, every thieving, criminal asswipe has some schmuck lawyer trying to twist the obvious into something stupid. Stop. You're just making yourself look bad, Schmuck lawyer.

Here is a sample of schmuck-speak.

"They [AIG executives] have a contractual right to be paid this money. They put in their time, and they have performed all their obligations successfully," said Andrew Goodstadt, a New York lawyer who represents more than a dozen Financial Products employees.

Let's see if I have this right. My tax money is used to bail out greedy executives who fucked up AIG. How is that they performed their obligations successfully again? The executives [again] lied to us and said they would return the money. They did not. The trickle down of this insanity is now supporting this ambulance-chasing lawyer with an ego bigger than his brain.

I say round all the executives up and include their idiotic lawyer, Andrew Goodstadt, and let the firing squad have a field day. The world would be a much better place.

p.s. to Andrew... you much have REALLY sucked in law school to take this case to make a name for yourself. Your 15 minutes of fame are up. You can die now.

Christmas Rant Part II

Today headlines are given to some bored, brain-damaged, Vietnam vet who is offended by "angels" and "stars" on a tree in a government office. WTF???? Doesn't he have REAL problems???? I guess not.

I wish "Charlie" in Vietnam would have found him and KILLED him on site.

I'm all for diversity and stuff like that, but you have to be totally REACHING to be offended by something as innocent as angles and stars on a fir tree. Personally, I have trouble finding fault with anything that wishes humanity something good -- even if it's not delivered via my particular, personal belief. The overall intent is to wish something good to mankind.

OMFG!!!! Let's TWIST this to be something OFFENSIVE and get HEADLINES for being a total ASSHOLE.

I'm not offended by my kids participating in Passover and Hannaukah rituals, or Kwanzaa rituals, Pagen rituals, or whatever else (which they have -- even WITHOUT my direct permission, I might add. It all builds tolerence).

Have I bitched and complained???? No. In fact, I feel quietly honored that my kids have been invited to participate in rituals that we don't practice ourselves. I think it's great.

As long as the message is positive for mankind and spreads peace, I'm all for it. I don't care about pigeonholing the religious origin. It doesn't matter. Peace, love and goodwill are universal. What's not to love????

Get over yourselves, you anti-angel-and-stars-on-a-fir-tree-jackasses, and let nature sing.

Hosting Parties and Holidays

You'd think that people couldn't stand to be around me given my bitchiness. Friends and relatives are calling inquiring about parties that I had no idea I was hosting coming up in the next few weeks.

I guess little has changed since high school. My house was ALWAYS the party house. Granted, there is now wine instead of beer kegs, and nobody is throwing up on mom's rose bushes. There were many nights I had NO idea who was in my house.

Kids + beer kegs + parents away = massive party.

Strangely enough, nobody was destructive or violent -- not even the tough-guy jocks liquered up with raging testosterone levels.

(Sorry, mom and dad. We sure as shit had fun. What in the hell were you thinking leaving me alone in charge as a teen, anyway? Good GAWD, did you have any CLUE what we were up to?)

I guess the kicker now is Christmas morning. I am getting friends and relatives giving me RSVP's that I did not even invite. How in the ^%$#* did I end up with 25+ people coming to my house Christmas morning for breakfast???

Male Gynocologists

Since when is a man an expert on "female" issues? I'm talking about male gynocologists.

I have always wondered what would ever prompt a man to want to specialize female reproductive organs. I'll tell you who -- some geek who never got lucky in high school OR some arrogant asshole who thinks he knows all.

I don't care how many books he has read, prestigious colleges he has attended, or endless interviews with patients he has conducted, there is NO way a man can truly understand:

1. menstrual cramps;
2. PMS;
3. finding out you're pregnant;
4. hot flashes;
5. labor contractions;
6. post partum depression.

The list could go on and on. I still can't comprehend on how a man can be labeled an "expert" that women can trust on issues he himself will never experience first-hand. It's like giving somebody a pilot's license who has never flown a plane.

Microscopic Fax Machines in Cell Phones

...here's a thought for the day after you've smoked a couple bowls....

You know when you call somebody's cell phone and you get the recorded greeting? It says something like, "If you want to send a numeric page, press 2; if you want to send a fax, press 3."

Personally, I have NEVER sent a fax message to somebody's cell phone. I want to know who has.

If you want to mess with an office supply store employee's head, go into an office supply store and DEMAND the paper that fits inside cell phones for faxes.

It's like Sasquatch.... we've all heard of it, but nobody's ever seen it.