I'm Sexy and I Know It

Yeah.... for real..... there is something very "Weird Al" about this.  I love it. 

It's Fucky Out: Momma Finn

One of my BFF's in Minnesota had a Finnish speaking mother.  God bless you if you can understand a Finn.  I spent a lot of time at my friend's house, so some words just were damn funny to hear.  One thing that sticks out to this day is when it's foggy outside, like it is here tonight in Sonoma County.  My friend's mom would say that it's "fucky" out.  Ok.... I was 10 years old.  Hearing such language was cause for a gasp followed by howling laughter.  Her cute accent was adorable.  She also had a way of asking us girls to do the dishes that to this day I can not quite repeat correctly. 

This same Momma Finn would also buy us beer as underage kids.  We would go to the cabin where us teens actually had our own cabin ALL TO OURSELVES - as they owned three on the lake.  Momma Finn had the main cabin, and us kids had the party cabin.  We would sit around the campfire with Momma Finn drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and telling stories.  Imagine.  Seventeen year old kids hanging out with 45 year olds and LIKING IT!  I also remember playing cards and then skinny dipping just because we could.  There was something very freeing about it all. 

That's about the time Beanie magically showed up on his bike......he rode 70 miles just to be there. 

Black Friday or Thanksgiving?

They've finally done it.  They have commercialized the hell out of Thanksgiving.  Nobody is even talking about Thanksgiving, just the stupid-ass Black Friday Consumer Frenzy that follows.

Once upon a time, there was something called Sunday and holidays to spend relaxing with family and friends -- or in quiet reflection alone.  Stores were closed on Sundays.  Nobody worked Sundays.  The world paused for a moment.  It was expected and nobody was made to feel guilty for the break. 

Then bit by bit stores were open on Sundays and people worked Sundays.  The time for pausing was eliminated.  Sunday just became another day of the week.  The only thing left sacred was Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

Well, now that's gone too thanks to big box retailers hocking shit made in China paying their employees minimum wage to give up what's left of a family holiday to report to work at midnight to break up fights in the store aisles between materialistic women tug-of-warring over the latest toy-rage-gadget whatever. 

I don't know who I hate more -- big box retailers or the dumb-ass shoppers lining up at midnight.  I want to take a paint ball gun and pummel them all.

I can only control my own actions, and I can guarantee I will not enter any type of shopping establishment on Thanksgiving Day or line up outside of BigBox central.  Refuse to participate in this madness.

Oijua Board

Remember Ouija boards?  I do.  Ouija boards are a portal into the spirit world.  Yes, I have had experience with Ouija boards.  No, I don't think they are automatically evil.  However, I explain Ouija to the young and curious that it's a lot like going into an internet chat room.  You have NO idea who is really on the other side communicating with you.  You could be inviting serious trouble -- or it could be some playful, harmless spirit.  The best advice is to refrain for even going there.  Once the door is opened, all sorts of unwanted energy could come pouring through. 

I totally understand the fascination with the unseen.  I am of that sort and can sense things that most people would never feel.  Spirits are like people -- people are spirits with skin and bones.  Some are good, some are ok, and some are not good at all.  It takes all kinds. 

Merry Christmas Yuppie Scum!

Microvave Popcorn: Toxic Waste

Foods that rank right up there with Girl Scout cookies as toxic waste?  Microwave popcorn.  I don't care if the label boasts 100 lite calorie Orville Redenedpecker Orgasmic Supreme.  It's still toxic waste.  Read the label. This shit is worse chemically than eating a McDonalds BigMac. 

You are better off using one tablespoon of canola oil in a large pot to pop REAL popcorn.  To season use a bit of parmesean cheese and a couple shakes of hot sauce.  Toss to combine.  Real food.  Real snacks.  If the mood strikes you, use a little real butter....  

Dear Abby STILL SUCKS!

Dear Abby must be an automated robo-machine at this point.  Everything must be on automatic recycle as she still (yawn) tries to disguise letters plugging her "for fee" publications as actual letters from readers.  I've bitched about his before.  I can't believe people have not caught on.

Actual letter that appeared in today's paper:

Dear Abby,
I can't believe the business letters I get that are addressed to me using my first name.  I don't *know* these people!  How dare they send me correspondence addressed as Dear FirstName.  They go right into the trash!  It ruins my day!  I'm so insulted!  How crass and unprofessional.  I don't get outraged by spam, telemarketers, and salespeople who show up unannounced.  However, these LETTERS addressed to FirstName have my worked underwear up my crack to the point of discomfort!  Have they not read and obeyed your Dear Abby Canned Letter Template!  Please educate the world and make it required reading!

Signed,
Planted Letter Hocking Your Publications

Dear Planted Letter,
Last year I tried to disguise my "Dear Abby Canned Letter Template for Sale" pitch from some poor slob who did not know how to communicate via pen and paper as everything is electronic these days.  This year I'm really grasping as nobody with a life gives a fuck about how salutations appear, so I had to get creative with my planted letter..... here's how to order.....

Hey Abs, B gr8ful ur stl publshd.  Ur colmn SUX. 

NHL Cat

My cat should be recruited as an NHL player.  He has the meanest hook shot with his tail.  He is also quite talented with his paws.  Yes, he is a quad-rimentional (is that even a word?) cat.  With the flick of his tail he can sail a bit of dog kibble across the room, bounce off the wall, and have kibble end up near eager, panting pooch thankful for cat's talent.  He is also talented at paw passing from counter to floor glasses, jewelry, or any bit of anything valuable where dog can get mouth on and eat and/or chew to bits.  Cat and dog laugh together as humans disect dog-doo to recover lost items.  Cat is a team player. 

If cat doesn't watch it, he will end up in the penalty box a.k.a.sin bin.  

MRH

Here is to YOU, MRH.  We have been friends since you brought me my first pack of Kool cigarettes in 9th grade at a football game.  Yeah....... we were KOOL!!!!!!!!!!  Ahhhhhhhhh good times.....

Has life dealt you a hand you don't like?  I don't like it either.  Good thing that cards burn, so let's light them on FIRE!  I dare you.  Oh yeah, singe the ass hairs of fate.  I've got plenty of matches and lighter fluid.

Point is that after the ass-hair-singe session is over we have plenty of other moral crusades to go on.  We will take on that stupid-ass FB that has some of our classmates pictured at Sam's pub nightly with God-Only-Knows-Who hiking up her skirt for the camera and groping the troll-on-steroids boyfriend with the same fake pose/snarl-smile.  Where are her kids?  What?????  Who?????? Them???????  I think they were all left a bowl of cold cereal and a note that said "Mommy is in luv with her 1 and only gr8.  Blu Eyez will smile when angels cum and help u get off 2 skool.  C U L8R as I am at spin with a bicycle seat up my ass.  Have a gr8 day!  God Luvs U!  U R blessed.  Shitting rainblows (misspelling intenned) and unicorns ur way."

Canadians RULE

Just for grins I checked my stats page.  My stats page reports my bitchy posts that have received the most views.  I need to inform you all that my widest audience consists of CANADIANS.  I suppose I have more in common with Canadians as geographically and culturally I am closer to them than some Ozark inbred, or some status hungry SoCal asswipe OR whiney New York Jew........... Or..... more probable scenario..... Canadians are now locked in for the winter and are uber bored, so they read my dumb-ass blog. 

Once upon a time, no passport was needed to travel into Ontario, Manitoba, or Saskatechwan  from Minnesota/Dakota.  Once upon a time money was exchanged freely.  Yes, I have been to the Peace Gardens in Winnipeg.  Then one day, out of nowhere, we SURROUND Canada with psycho bitches like Sarah Palin from Alaska and Michelle Bachmann from Minnesota.  Canadians must think than any American with a vagina is a complete nut-so-whack-job.   No wonder Canada put up barriers!  Do you BLAME them?  It's like cloning Hitler!  I can't blame Canada for going back into their shell and pretending not to know any of us.  Of COURSE Canada thought they were under ATTACK!

My point is that Canada has been living in our shadow for long enough.  They have done NOTHING to cause the United States shit -- unlike Mexico.  I suppose Canadians can't grow pot and don't have a corrupt government.  Swarms of United States citizens are not slipping over the boarder living off the government for free health care and plopping babies along the way (yet). 

Warning to Canada:  Global warming is going to make you the oasis country in the next 30 years.  Do you really want a bunch of United States rejects storming your borders and demanding shit they were too selfish to deal with and now want to invade YOURS?  Build your fences now. 

Iraq War Vets Find Hope - or Find Permanent Disability: Santa Rosa Press Democrat

The headline should have read, "Iraq War Vets Find How to Scam Disability."

Yes, I am going to DARE be politically incorrect on Veterans' Day.  Today we have on the front page of the Santa Rosa Depressed Rat an emotionally battered ex-Army COOK who served about 8 months. 

You have got to be kidding me.  I'm sorry, but giving a headline to a whiny Army COOK who served a whopping 8 months is just plain insulting to those who have lost arms, legs, faces, etc.

Can you say milking the system?  Post-traumatic stress disorder my ass.  She is looking for life-long government income and health benefits.  Perhaps the oatmeal she was forced to work with as an Army cook was just too lumpy and it caused undue stress.  Perhaps an enemy jumped out from behind the freezer and made her fry hamburgers against her will -- she is a vegetarian, you know.  Whaaaaaaaaaaa...

Sum it up.  She knew she was going to get kicked out of the Army.  She invented some disorder as to not get a dishonorable discharge.  She can't hold a job, she never has and never will as she is flakey to the core.  She doesn't even live near her family as I'm sure they are sick of her freeloading as well.  So, she comes to Santa Rosa where dumb-ass reporters give her headlines and justifies her made up bullshit complete with the sappy photo of her arms crossed, looking solomnly to the right over her shoulder, pouty face, and dramatic lighting. 

Yes, Janel Ritz, go shopping on Veterans' Day.  God forbid you should do something meaningful for your comrades with real injuries.  You are NOT in the same category as the Pearl Harbor survivors.  Get a float for the Veterans' Day Parade with your whiny-ass story and watch people throw eggs at you.  I'm sure if you Google this and read this, it will add another dollar amount to your disability claim as it's causing you mental anxiety.  I'm sure some tax-money-suck support group called "Oatmeal Anguish" will form to help you.  Violins playing.....
Another SoCal reject living up here being a total high-maintenance pain in the ass.

Gunts in Rohnert Park

Oh yeah..... this picture sums up Rohnert Park where "gunts" proliferate.  However, Rohnert Park insists they need more crappy chain restaurants!  Rohnert Park's motto should be.... "White Trash and Mexicans for World Peace at WalMart -- Meet Me at Isle 12 for more Dollar Dropping Values."

For extra low-class trashiness, let's add a casino.  Bus loads of additional Asian, cigarette smoking, gunts  from San Francisco will arrive to fill up empty booths at Red Lobster and Olive Garden.  Hurry..... Your endless Pasta Bowl and Salad is only good until 2:00 PM.... oink oink...... 

Oh yeah.... this is what Sonoma County wants to attract?  Can we PUH-LEEZE kick out Rohnert Park?  I guess Rohnert Park is Sonoma County's embarrassment.... much like our farting, shirtless, crass Uncle Fred at the Thanksgiving table.  He's part of the family, but is a total disgrace.  Nobody wants to admit being related,.....

Duggars Expecting 20th Child

You've got to be f***** kidding me.  The world is experiencing exploding overpopulation, and these morons are glorified for mass reproduction?  There is no way in hell they can give 20 kids the attention to become mentally healthy, functioning adults.  Just having a few kids drains parents who are actually treating their kids more than something coming off an assembly production line. 

If there was ever an environmental crime, this is it.  Please, shut down the baby factory.  Her uterus must have a no vacancy sign.  Her vagina must be like a flubbery, trap door at this point.  How can her husband even enjoy fucking something so used at this point?  Her vagina must be more stretched out than an old lady's elastic waist band on polyester pants.  eeeeeeeeeek.......

Plop.  Out drops another baby while mundanely wiping dishes on a Tuesday night  (reminder of Monty Python's Meaning of Life)   Kids...... can you pick  up that crying bloody blob that just dropped out of my vagina and wipe all of the blood off?  Would you also mop the placenta off the floor before doing your homework and taking out the trash?    You have another sibling.....     I hear your moaning, kid #9.  Don't give me that look, kid #12.... I'll deal with you after I deal with Number 1, 2, 3, 7, (deep breath) 13, 8....  yeah.... I'm on top of you all.  God says so......  Hurry up.... we all need to circle for our prayer group in 15 minutes....

Kardishian Divorce: Sad Statement of our Society

Need I say more?  Looks like SNL has its bitey satire back.  Truth hurts..... and is often funny as hell...

Facebook Elimination

Being as I have been struggling to delete my Facebook account in its entirety or not, I decided to partially eliminate my account.  For starters, you will not find any personal information about me in my profile like where I went to school, marital status, etc.  I never posted that crap anyway.  Who cares. 

I'm also tired of screening posts.  To simplify, I just deleted a gaggle of people I really don't want to share any part of my personal life with.  No, I won't send you any annoying "I'm cleaning up my facebook friends Do You want to remain friends" shit.  

One FB elimination actually had the nerve to email me saying how I hurt her feelings by deleting her.  Really?  Never once did I get a personal message from her asking how life was going or whatever.   I have not seen this person in over a quarter century. 

Poof..... she's gone.... 

Hitting the delete button is very freeing and powerful.  If it only worked in person. 

Child Abuse

I'm not sure what the exact definition of child abuse is as there are many forms.  Kids look to their parents for guidance, stability, and nurturing.  All kids hold their parents on a pedestal whether or not they are deserving.  Kids inherently trust their parents to protect them and look after their best interests -- even if kids really don't know what their best interests are just yet. 

Therein lies the rub.

How many kids have gotten beaten "for their own good."  How many kids have been humiliated, name called, etc.,  by their parents thinking that it will somehow make the kids behave as parents think they should? 

True story.  I am now housing a kid who is afraid to go home.  Report cards (progress reports) came out and the kid is terrified because there is something less than an A.  OMG!!!  The kid had all A's except for one lousy B+.  It's not even final grading yet, just a progress report.  As I type this the kid is locked in my bathroom crying hysterically after a tearful conversation with mom on the cell phone.  Are the parents physically abusive?  No, but the psychological abuse is just as damaging.  I can overhear through the phone receiver the put-downs, insults, threats of disowning, etc. 

.....but it's "all for their own good".......  yeah, right.   This is not the first time this kid has been subject to standards only a demigoddess could live up to.  So the kid is human.  So maybe the kid isn't perfect.  Maybe the kid did not live to YOUR standards.  I'm not saying that kids should have carte blanche to run amok.  However, all people -- especially developing kids -- need to know you love them unconditionally.  Smashing their fragile self esteem and destroying their foundation of stability and trust they look for in their parents will do nothing but make all the therapists' appointment books full in the future. 

Be careful what you say to your kids.  After all, you are the experienced adult and should know better.  Nobody thrives and grows on humiliation and shame.

Lending: Paying Money Back

I'm going to switch gears here.  Usually, I am the first one to rip on banks getting bailed out with our tax money.  People are pissed.  Occupy Wall Street happens. 

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.  The American population does not seem able to differentiate "lending" and "giving."  There is a difference.  When you get a loan, it means you have to pay it back under the terms and conditions set forth in the contract. 

Defaults on student loans are at an all time.  If we are going to bitch about free handouts, let's bitch about free handouts.  Students were more than eager to get money for college, then were shocked and surprised when it was time to pay it back.  Same with home mortgages and credit cards.  We all know that nobody gives you a chuck of money up front without strings attached.  God help us if our population is really that stupid. 

Did the banks take advantage?  Of course, but our need to 'keep up with the Jonses' had the population playing right into the banks' hands.  Now the bitching and moaning starts.  Banks are not lending, because people don't PAY IT BACK.    In the meantime restaurants are full, Starbucks thrives, shopping malls are full, cell phones proliferate, etc, etc., etc..... 

Yes, not all in financial hot water fit into this category.  Life events happen.  However, there seems to be a disturbing pattern........

Novato, California

This is where Tiburon and Sausalito wannabes live.  See, it's the most northern city in Marin and we all know how much status shit means to these materialistic morons.  Too bad they have not realized that Marin is so 70's and 80's and it's now Sonoma County that is the cool place to live. Shhhhhhhhh please don't tell them as we don't want them all living up here, anyway. 

They are the soccer moms, SUV driving conformists, bland, unoriginal, status-hungry, phoney, blah, blah, blah, blah.... They are mesmorized by bright, shiny objects.  Novato has no soul.  Everything is plastic and phoney.  Even all of their dining establishments suck (reflection of their bland population).  Tell me of one outstanding place to eat in Novato?  I guess they do have a couple of Mexican restaurants as I suppose they all need a central place to scope their cheap labor and then bitch about illegals. 

I suppose the thing that pisses me off about these people is how they somehow think they are better than everybody else.  They will bitch if you car is the wrong color.  They will bitch if their sandwich has avacado in the middle and NOT on the bottom.   They will bitch if their little Lilly doesn't get the teacher for first grade that will totally set Lilly's course for life.  Give me a break, you high-maintenance asswipes. 

Of course, there are exceptions... native residents and long-timers shun the more recents and rightly so. 

Why am I Honest?

Here's one for the "why am I an honest Joe" file.....

There's a woman in Sonoma County who has never really worked a day in her life.  All of her life she has sucked off her ex-husbands and parents to make herself look good in the community.  This woman owned a house on a golf course, but she was underwater with the mortgage.  Her Mommy rescued her and put money down on a bigger, better house for her little princess.  Princess walked away from the house with an underwater mortgage with no apparent reprocussions whatsoever. 

Who is footing the bill for this bullshit while she drives around her her new LandRover?  WE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tea Party - Occupy Wall Street: Shot Gun Wedding

Ok.... so the Tea Party has some psychos at the helm as to what would otherwise be a legit message easily digestible by the masses.  The Occupy Wall Street movement has some smelly bums and hoodlums nobody gives much credit to burning garbage cans in the streets like an Oakland Raiders home game.

Viola.  A marriage made in shot-gun heaven.  Both parties have some "undesirables" the other side is chomping at the bit to use to immediately discredit what the message is.  Not so fast....  The resounding message by BOTH movements is that the people are not being represented and the government is out of control. 

USE THAT COLLECTIVE FORCE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Please dismiss the attention grabbing headlines as to why the "other" party is at fault.  It's all crap.  Truth be told it's BOTH democrats and republicans as to the state we are in.  We need to sift through all of their bullshit.  ...and believe me..... it's all bullshit.....  and come to a place where common sense and scruples prevails.  I know it's a lot to ask in this day and age......and it may take away your attention from the Kardishian divorce and/or the Demi More/Ashton Kutcher marriage crisis..... Oh, I forgot that American Idol might also be on.....