Beanie Loves Tasty Pizza

On a somewhat recent trip home, my BFF and her hubby took me on an impromptu trip down Central Avenue to (almost) NordEast Minneapolis to a favorite "homie" hangout -- TASTY PIZZA!!!!

Unless you grew up in Nordeast, you all *just* don't get it. I guess you could equate your clueless curiosity to having tourist buses in the Haight-Ashbury in SF, or bus loads of white people gawking at a deep south, black, Sunday gospel choir. Unless you've lived NordEast, don't even TRY to understand. Yes, you have to have LIVED the Tasty Pizza experience to appreciate the spectrum of cultural imprints left on us all from our youth.

Note: This excludes people from Edina who think that one stop over at Tasty's in Heights between hockey games makes them a 'regular'. Bullshit. We hate you. We know who you are the instant you walk in the door. Please, get your "yuppie-preppy-wanna-be-down-to-earth-homie" ass OUT of here before I puke my Old Style beer all over your designer duds and BMW.

That's what the Food Network is for.

We mean REAL business.

Which brings me to Beanie. Beanie is a friend of my older brother, and also my BFF's sister. Yup, a Columbia Heights grad -- we all tend to stick together. Beanie is a staple at Tasty's in Heights. I have not seen Beanie in 25 years. Lo and behold, when I entered Tasty there Beanie was -- in all his glory -- having a drink and gabbing it up with others.

Time did not skip a beat. Beanie made his way to our table and without pause he talked of the time he rode his bicycle 65 miles to the cabin to party 27 years ago.

Yeah........ I remembered that..........

Next, Beanie showed me pictures on his cell phone of random items he lit on fire and watched burn in his driveway.

Yeah........ that's SO Beanie........ it's soooooo Nordeast.

God bless you, Beanie.... you are the real thing.

Good Looking Men Gone Mad

Can somebody identify what all three of these Hollywood hunks have in common (besides the obvious fact they are incredibly good looking?) THEY ARE ALL FLIPPING CRAZY!!!!!! THEY HAVE GONE OFF THE DEEP END AND ARE COMPLETELY WHACK-O!

What was it that pushed them over the edge? Fame? Fortune? Access to anything they could ever want 24/7? Ego?

Here's a lesson ladies, go for the plain looking, unassuming guy. It looks like the mental health odds are in their favor.

San Francisco Bans Happy Meal Toys

Government parenting has gone too far. San Francisco has now banned toys in fast food meals. It seems so ironic that a city that prides itself on self-expression and personal rights now feels the need to proclaim that they are better parents than we are.

Doesn't San Francisco have REAL problems? Let's try crime, homelessness, panhandling, graffiti, etc. Why are they focused on what's really none of their business to begin with? Does it make them feel good?

Message to San Francisco: Mind your own business. Quit trying to supercede my parenting skills. If you really want to impress me with your over-the-top government intrusion on personal lives, be the first city in the nation to require a license to reproduce. You're already insinuating that people are too stupid to properly parent their own kids and need your ordained wisdom. Just who in the hell died and made you Dad of the year?

Gag me. Nice try at controlling stupidity. Good luck. Would you like fries with that?

American Flag: Made in China

The irony is just too much. I'm actually at a loss for words.

Sonoma County Broken Down

Here's my idiotic breakdown on all the major micro areas in Sonoma County (wow, there's an oxymoron). Here goes:

Healdsburg: You are either an illegal Mexican field worker, annoying tourist, or wine snob. NRA enthusiasts are encouraged to open fire on all three.

Cloverdale: Nobody really cares. Before the freeway bypassed town we all stopped at the hamburger joint on the way up to the lake. Meth labs and pot are the center of your economy. Bake in your 104* summer hell.

Sebastopol: Used to be normal. Mill Valley intellectual rejects migrated north and became claim jumpers. Please, shave your armpits.

Gurneville/Russian River: Yes, it floods every time it rains a little bit. Don't buy a home there and then be shocked when it washes away with the winter rains. It happens every year. Here, smoke some pot to get over your loss.....you'll feel better.

Santa Rosa: No, you are NOT San Jose North. Please don't try to attempt it. Look around. Most have relocated from San Francisco/San Jose. If San Jose was so great, why did they leave?

Rohnert Park: Obese, white bread, bad 80's perm HELL! Just HOW many chain restaurants, mega stores, and strip malls can you cram into one nondescript, Dodge minivan obsessed suburb? The only active culture is in their yogurt, which I'm sure was purchased at Costco. I think this is the "mom jeans" capitol of the world. WWJD?

Cotati: Really, the only cool place in Sonoma County. So un-attention grabbing. Definately not a publicity whore. Cotati is cool all in its own right. It does not need to prove anything to anybody. God Bless you.

Penngrove: Isn't that just a suburb of Petaluma?

Petaluma: East Petaluma is Baja Rohnert Park. Shopping at Target is the highlight of their week. They bitch because they have to drive 10 minutes to obtain cheap, plastic shit manufactured in China they cant live without. West Petaluma holds actual historic value with architecture. Just ignore the poorly constructed Condiotti subdivisions that proliferate the area.

Argus Courier and Press DemoRAT

...are both owned by the NY Times. Whoop-dee-doo. Like they have any *real* ethics policies? Come on.... we know better..... we've seen the behavior..... it's all cheap talk.

Steve Rustad was suspended by the Argus for ethics violations because of his involvement in his crappy, misogynistic cartoons in a recent political hit-piece flyer.

What a dumb shit. Even somebody like myself, who doesn't read any paper regularly other than in the waiting room for an appointment, instantly recognized Rustad's artwork as staple "Argus Courier-typical-anti-woman-with-a-brain" dribble.

DERP..... ATTENTION STEVE.... Did you NOT even THINK about trying to ALTER your so-called ART for the HIT PIECE so it wasn't instantly TRACED to you???? GAWD.... you are really socially UNAWARE!!!! They have classes to help people like you. But NO........ YOU have your OWN MARKETING firm..... WOW!!!! How's that working out for you???? Read my previous blogs regarding useless marketing degrees. I think you have one. Please, go back to southern CA where you came from AND take your other Sonoma County Wannabe Natives with you. Sonoma County has survived a good 200 years without you. Believe me, Sonoma County can survive more.

In any event, poor Rustad was the lame scape goat in the whole printed media slaughter against a candidate in a recent political race. There are half-ass, smug apologies from the Press Democrat and the Argus Courier but they don't mean anything.

Hey guys.... I guess you prefer men......

Don't ask, don't tell.... just sayin'.....

Boot Camp

At the ripe old age of early 40-something, I have a 22 year-old son who has officially been launched into adulthood. There was a tearful good-bye Tuesday morning at the MEPS in San Jose as Uncle Sam shuttled my baby boy off to some boot camp hell.

A part of me is rejoicing in this transition. I know when he returns home he will not leave his dirty socks and underwear behind the bathroom door, dirty dishes on the counter, and other little annoying habits that make us all want to kill our offspring.

On the other hand, he will be tested to the brink both mentally and physically. He will be broken down and then rebuilt. Not that there was anything wrong with him to begin with other than the petty little messes he left around the house, but you know what I mean. Thank God my son has many, MANY military relatives who warned him about what was to come.

I warned my son prior to leaving for boot camp that kids from California and Texas were picked on the most. My son already knew that. Still, I'm trying to figure out what has come out of Texas other than arrogant, self-righteous assholes? Somebody give me something to work with to prove me otherwise -- please? I think one tried to write a book recently, but it was rejected by the "Preschoolers for Literacy" patrol. Besides, I have no interest in rereading anything similar to the 'Curious President George' series. I read that when I was 5.

At least California has non-oil slicked beaches, almost legalized pot, redwood trees, wine country, and a Jerry Brown repeat. What's not to love?

Well, now my son will be exposed to people from ALL over the country serving in the military. E-GADS. Just WHAT mentality will he be dealing with???

Lesson 101: No, the world is NOT flat and people did NOT walk along side of dinosaurs. Sarah Palin is a retarded liar. Shocker, huh. Derp.

AND.... having a full set of teeth, plus an aversion to NASCAR and Mountain Dew is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Serve Sonoma County well, son..... We are all behind you.
xxoo
mom

Lucky's Self Check-Out

I've bitched before on how I loathe the 'self check-out' registers. I avoid them like the plague. In general, I loathe shopping at any Lucky's store. Out of desperation, I pop into one from time to time to grab an essential item or two (like wine).

Of course management loves the self-checkout. Automated cash registers don't file workers' compensation claims, take long breaks, say anything inappropriate, or cause other personnel problems. Management aspires us ALL to be such well behaved robots.

On the other hand, all I want is a couple of items and to get the hell out of there -- PRONTO. Here was my experience last night at a Sonoma County Lucky store.

I needed a couple bottles of wine and a package of bagels. That's it. I should be in and out of there in moments. But noooooooooooo, robo hell made it an ordeal that made me wake up with night sweats.

It was dinner hour rush. Only *one* regular checkout line was open with an actual, live cashier. That line was hideously long, and I only had a couple of items. What ever happened to "three's a crowd?" I guess that went away like the DoDo bird. The other registers were the dreaded self-checkout ones. Of course, they were all occupied with customers clumsily trying to enter produce codes, scanning items, fumbling with payment, etc. It was horrible to watch.

I tapped my foot impatiently and waited for a register to open up.

FINALLY..... I got an open register. I only have a couple of items, this should be fast, right? After all, I'm techno savvy and I should be able to breeze in and out of here in moments, right?

WRONG!!!!

The computer wanted to know if I wanted to proceed in English or Spanish. Whatever. Ok, so then I go to scan my first item. It was a bottle of wine. The register froze up and sternly stated that I had a "restricted item -- approval needed" before I could proceed. Shit.

I looked around and found that the Lucky employee who was supposed to be overseeing the self check out area engaged in a conversation with a fellow employee about something that was obviously not work related and completely ignoring the customers. I was trying to get my item approved so I could get on my merry way. Attempt ignored.

I was getting pissed off. So was the guy an aisle over. Finally the guy one aisle over just yelled, "Hey! I need approval to buy my wine, and I think the lady over there needs the same judging by her failed attempts to get you to look over there."

Thank you, sir. You are my Prince Charming for the day.

The Lucky employee finally pressed whatever button that was needed to proceed with my transaction. Now I can scan the other couple of items and get out of there.

Not so fast. I bring my recyclable bags with me when I shop. When I placed my recyclable bag down in the bagging area, the computer angrily told me, "Unexpected item in bagging area. Please remove item."

WTF????? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Just HOW am I supposed to use my bags when the dumb ass computerized cashier thinks I'm trying to shoplift something?

Another frustrating attempt was needed to get the green light to proceed from the chatty, unattentive Lucky employees. My patience was wearing thin. I finally said, "Can I get this cleared so I can get my stuff and get out of here?"

A transaction that should have taken 30 seconds turned into an ordeal. When I was leaving I expressed my distaste for the self check out registers. The Lucky employee coolly told me, "Well, don't use them."

I won't. Because I refuse to ever step foot in your piece of shit store ever again. I don't care how desperate I am.

Furith-ahr

What did you just say? Did I hear you say "furith-ahr" when I asked you what floor your room was on as we stepped into the hotel elevator together? Was that the fourth floor, the third floor, or fifth floor? I did not know it was a multiple choice question that left the asker in a world of wonder. I'm sorry I asked.

Please, take the shit out of your mouth and articulate a word.

I guess that's too much to ask of this generation. Granted, this is the same generation that thinks it fashionable to wear pants around their knees, backwards baseball caps, and music that glorifies killing cops and rival gang members.

American Drug Cartel

I don't get why republicans are so against health care reform. I have a sneaking suspicion that while republicans are first in line to sign up for medicare when they become eligible, they want to deny offering any type of benefit to others.

Even "moderate" republicans have to see the benefit of having health coverage. I can't believe that they would be happy about seeing yet another benefit disappear.

Taxpayers will ultimately end up paying for health care one way or another. It will either be a legit format through actual health plans, or crammed emergency rooms filled with the uninsured. Pick your poison, people.

Still, the winners are the pharmaceutical companies. We talk about the evils of the Mexican drug cartel holding people hostage and playing with lives? What about the American drug cartel? It's the same thing over here. Don't fool yourselves.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Who??? What??? Why is my teenage daughter watching this crap? Just exactly WHO are the Kardashians and WHY do they deserve prime time?

Here's my own two-bit rendition: The Kardashian girls are the daughters of some rich, dead lawyer. The mother got remarried to Bruce Jenner, who has had one face lift too many. The guy looks like a melting barbie doll/Michael Jackson clone. They spend their days in LA bitching and complaining about NOTHING of actual importance. Their worst days are about missed nail appointments and shoes that are one shade too dark for their jeans. I think one episode featured their dog humping the neighbor's dog.

BRAIN DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why are the Kardashians on tv? Goddesses only knows. "Like OH MY GAWD, like, your shoes, they, like, totally don't match your purse, and you're going OUT looking like that? What a TRAGEDY!"

What have the Kardashians done to improve the human condition? Nothing. Again, it's the Disney Channel up one age level. Complete brain dead crap. The only thing they have accomplished is to kill the idea that it's just only blondes who are completely void of higher cerebral brain functioning -- brunettes are not exempt.

Tweets, Twits, and Useless Apps

Don't 'cha think this whole Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, Instant Messaging, etc., crap has just gone absolutely overboard? Today I received via email from Allstate insurance a free, downloadable app for my iPhone.

WHOOOOOOOPEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can read my policy, pay my bill, and submit a claim ALL from my iPhone! I'm soooooooooooooooooo excited! Now I'm certain I'm paying too much in insurance premiums if they can afford to put together a useless app nobody can really use. This techno crap has gove too far.

It's so cumbersome to do something like insurance over an iPhone. Pages take forever to download, and the screen on my iPhone is too small to read all of the insurance, legaleeze fine print. Not only that, who really *wants* to deal with insurance through a mobile app?

And no, Allstate, I'm not going to follow you or any other moronic corporation, person, or thing (although I guess in the eyes of the court a corporation does qualify as a person) on Twitter or Facebook.

Hair Salon

I love going to the hair salon. I love the gossip, the trash magazines, and all the possibilities of creating a new 'do' for myself and magically transforming my look. We get fashion ideas, make-up ideas, etc. It *always* feels good walking out of a salon with a sassy cut. Instant confidence lift.

While going to the hair salon seems superficial, there really is a community exchange going on. It's where we learn of others who are going through some tough times. Some are getting divorced, some are diagnosed with a terrible disease, some have lost their jobs, homes, etc.

On the flip side, we also share each others joy. We learn of kids going off to the college of their dreams, babies being born, and other life celebrations.

It's through this seemingly trite ritual of the 'hair salon' we connect with each other and we can ask mutual friends of the best course of action to help the person in need without being intrusive, and what the person celebrating a life event would appreciate as acknowledgement.

You know.... everybody is different.... and they respond to life events very, very differently. What some people would consider a sweet gesture, others would consider offensive. With the subtle 'hair salon' exchange, we get a clue on how to help.

.......and damn, I look good when I leave........

Santa Rosa Press Democrat

There is something eerie and Orwellian about the local newspaper making endorsements for political candidates, ballot measures, etc., and then holding the power to print either a positive or negative spin on particular subjects via headlines and such.

I want unbiased reporting. No hype, no emotional bleeding headlines. Don't tell me how to vote. Better yet, don't even SUGGEST how I should vote. I want news, not your opinion. Every butt head who has my home telephone number is trying to call me during dinner hour trying to tell me how to vote during an election cycle. I don't want my newspaper, which is supposed to be neutral, trying to play the same cheesy politics game.

Even somebody as inept as myself can see the slant the Press Democrat has in placing articles that "favor" their endorsed candidate/ballot measure of choice.

What a joke.