Braggie Christmas Newsletters

I guess some of you did not get the memo at how annoying your Christmas "brag" letters are. I originally posted this two years ago. I guess evolution makes two assumptions:

1. It's always progressive;
2. It takes several generations.

Shit.. That means I am stuck getting your newsletter for years to come. There is no hope of self-actualization and seeing your ego-laden newsletter for what it really is -- a total piece of #$%. I hope you know we all make fun of it and pass it around for laughs. We also invite others to share the most obnoxious news letter and we have a contest. Yours WON!!!

If I get one more obnoxious Christmas "brag" letter I'm going to throw up. It makes me gag when the computer generated, impersonal letters arrive proudly declaring the following predictable categories:

1. How perfect their life is;
2. How monetarily well-off they are (note: I did NOT use the word rich as that has a totally different definition in my world);
3. The exotic places traveled;
4. How wonderful, smart and talented their children are;
5. Employment changes that they deem should be impressive to broadcast.

STOP IT!!!!!! I really don't give a rat's a**. I'm patiently waiting for the following Christmas newsletter that better reflects what's going on without the glossy self-promotion:

Dear friend/relative,

This year has been a challenge as Gerald has been laid off from his job of 20 years. His job has been "outsourced" overseas, and finding employment that pays more than a Wal-Mart greeter is extremely difficult. Our COBRA self-pay insurance runs out at the end of this month, and we have discovered the monthly premiums for health insurance will be more than our house payment. Speaking of house payments, we're several months behind and we have no idea how we're going to make ends meet as we are over-extended financially in every aspect of life. I guess we shouldn't have taken out that second and third mortgage to finance our trip to Europe and to buy that new boat. Damn. But boy, do we look good to everybody from the outside.

Our oldest son, Johnny, has been busted (again) for smoking pot and petty theft. He's still hanging on in school with a strong D+ average and promises of being accepted into the local community college for a full course load of remedial classes. We're so proud!

Our daughter, Susie, is 16 and pregnant. Gerald spent some time in the slammer for assault on Susie's boyfriend when the initial news broke out, but now he realizes that making enemies out of the father of his future grand-child is not the way to go. However, Gerald did figure out that prisoners get free health care, so it may be an incentive for some other slightly-criminal act that will warrant cell-time as our finances get tighter and tighter.

Have a happy and joyous holiday!
Sincerely,
The Real Family Christmas Newsletter You Will Never See.

Christmas Aftermath

Ahhhhhhhh...... it's all over for another year. I've noticed that just about everybody is in a semi-zombified state the past day or so as they recouperate from massive amounts of food, drink, and RELATIVES.

Relatives are like farts -- everybody prefers their own. But even your own can be overwhelming in a confined space with no room to breathe.

Christmas Rant Part III

Headlines are given to tree-and-ornament haters. Tucked inside today's paper is the story regarding AIG executives not keeping their pledge to return millions in obscene bonuses.

Remind me again what we're pissed off about????

Of course, every thieving, criminal asswipe has some schmuck lawyer trying to twist the obvious into something stupid. Stop. You're just making yourself look bad, Schmuck lawyer.

Here is a sample of schmuck-speak.

"They [AIG executives] have a contractual right to be paid this money. They put in their time, and they have performed all their obligations successfully," said Andrew Goodstadt, a New York lawyer who represents more than a dozen Financial Products employees.

Let's see if I have this right. My tax money is used to bail out greedy executives who fucked up AIG. How is that they performed their obligations successfully again? The executives [again] lied to us and said they would return the money. They did not. The trickle down of this insanity is now supporting this ambulance-chasing lawyer with an ego bigger than his brain.

I say round all the executives up and include their idiotic lawyer, Andrew Goodstadt, and let the firing squad have a field day. The world would be a much better place.

p.s. to Andrew... you much have REALLY sucked in law school to take this case to make a name for yourself. Your 15 minutes of fame are up. You can die now.

Christmas Rant Part II

Today headlines are given to some bored, brain-damaged, Vietnam vet who is offended by "angels" and "stars" on a tree in a government office. WTF???? Doesn't he have REAL problems???? I guess not.

I wish "Charlie" in Vietnam would have found him and KILLED him on site.

I'm all for diversity and stuff like that, but you have to be totally REACHING to be offended by something as innocent as angles and stars on a fir tree. Personally, I have trouble finding fault with anything that wishes humanity something good -- even if it's not delivered via my particular, personal belief. The overall intent is to wish something good to mankind.

OMFG!!!! Let's TWIST this to be something OFFENSIVE and get HEADLINES for being a total ASSHOLE.

I'm not offended by my kids participating in Passover and Hannaukah rituals, or Kwanzaa rituals, Pagen rituals, or whatever else (which they have -- even WITHOUT my direct permission, I might add. It all builds tolerence).

Have I bitched and complained???? No. In fact, I feel quietly honored that my kids have been invited to participate in rituals that we don't practice ourselves. I think it's great.

As long as the message is positive for mankind and spreads peace, I'm all for it. I don't care about pigeonholing the religious origin. It doesn't matter. Peace, love and goodwill are universal. What's not to love????

Get over yourselves, you anti-angel-and-stars-on-a-fir-tree-jackasses, and let nature sing.

Hosting Parties and Holidays

You'd think that people couldn't stand to be around me given my bitchiness. Friends and relatives are calling inquiring about parties that I had no idea I was hosting coming up in the next few weeks.

I guess little has changed since high school. My house was ALWAYS the party house. Granted, there is now wine instead of beer kegs, and nobody is throwing up on mom's rose bushes. There were many nights I had NO idea who was in my house.

Kids + beer kegs + parents away = massive party.

Strangely enough, nobody was destructive or violent -- not even the tough-guy jocks liquered up with raging testosterone levels.

(Sorry, mom and dad. We sure as shit had fun. What in the hell were you thinking leaving me alone in charge as a teen, anyway? Good GAWD, did you have any CLUE what we were up to?)

I guess the kicker now is Christmas morning. I am getting friends and relatives giving me RSVP's that I did not even invite. How in the ^%$#* did I end up with 25+ people coming to my house Christmas morning for breakfast???

Male Gynocologists

Since when is a man an expert on "female" issues? I'm talking about male gynocologists.

I have always wondered what would ever prompt a man to want to specialize female reproductive organs. I'll tell you who -- some geek who never got lucky in high school OR some arrogant asshole who thinks he knows all.

I don't care how many books he has read, prestigious colleges he has attended, or endless interviews with patients he has conducted, there is NO way a man can truly understand:

1. menstrual cramps;
2. PMS;
3. finding out you're pregnant;
4. hot flashes;
5. labor contractions;
6. post partum depression.

The list could go on and on. I still can't comprehend on how a man can be labeled an "expert" that women can trust on issues he himself will never experience first-hand. It's like giving somebody a pilot's license who has never flown a plane.

Microscopic Fax Machines in Cell Phones

...here's a thought for the day after you've smoked a couple bowls....

You know when you call somebody's cell phone and you get the recorded greeting? It says something like, "If you want to send a numeric page, press 2; if you want to send a fax, press 3."

Personally, I have NEVER sent a fax message to somebody's cell phone. I want to know who has.

If you want to mess with an office supply store employee's head, go into an office supply store and DEMAND the paper that fits inside cell phones for faxes.

It's like Sasquatch.... we've all heard of it, but nobody's ever seen it.

The Useless Things People Bitch About: Senator Eshoo

Granted, this blog is used for bitching about a lot of useless things. However, you are not forced to read it; nor, are you being charged for it unlike a newspaper or magazine. If you stumbled upon this blog, you must be *really* bored. It's your fault. You searched and looked for it. At least you're not out any money for reading my useless rants that bitch about nothing.

However, bitching about useless things is not something I want to read about in my daily, local newspaper (which I actually pay money for). The following story is for real -- no shit.

There is a senator from California (sadly, the state where I reside -- actually some of us Californians really do have active brain cells) named Anna Eshoo who is taking up an active campaign on the uber pressing issue of:

CAN YOU GUESS??? IS YOUR CURIOSITY GETTING TO YOU? CAN YOU GUESS WHICH TOPIC SHE IS TAKING TO THE MAT FOR US BEATEN, DOWN-TRODDEN, HARD WORKING, CITIZENS?

IS IT THE WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST?

HEALTH CARE????

IS IT GLOBAL WARMING? OR LACK THEREOF?

WORLD PEACE???

IS IT OVER POPULATION?

THE SUCKY ECONOMY?

PEOPLE LOSING THEIR JOBS AND HOMES?

Nooooooooooo...... this lame senator is taking on the issue of

(drum roll and trumpets, please)

TELEVISION COMMERCIAL VOLUMES!!!!

omfg!!!!!!!!! I did not know what I was going to do until Savior Senator Eshoo came along to champion the too-loud-tv-commercials cause. I thought I would not be able to survive another day, another minute, another SECOND until Savior Senator Eshoo quieted down those annoying late-night television commercials!

If I just had to reach for the remote to push the 'mute' button just ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR there would be a carpral-tunnel disability lawsuit for somebody. I'm sure there would be a loud, obnoxious television commercial to help me find a lawyer specializing in such.....

Thank GOD this Senator has PRIORITIES!!! Here is her quote in the Santa Rosa Press Democrat.

"I just get totally ticked off every time a television commercial comes on at night."

This is what's keeping you up at night, Senator Eshoo? Sorry, but there is no sympathy from us democrats who actually have real problems.......

I think I hear Sarah Palin calling you for a playdate......

The Best Christmas Party Ever

Yup, I've been to lots and lots of company parties. For the most part, I would rather get a root canal than attend yet another corporate holiday function. Thankfully, the volume of holiday parties has decreased due to the crappy economy. I'm certainly not shedding any tears.

I don't get the Christmas party thing to begin with.... Oh, excuse me... We can't call it a Christmas Party anymore because of some whiny minority who can't come to terms on who actually founded our country and political system they are benefiting from. Go back to where you came from. We won't miss you. Believe me.

Anyway........

What makes employers think for a minute that we want to spend what prescious, little free time we have with people we're stuck with for most of our waking hours? It's enough that we have to tolerate our co-workers' irritating habits and annoying personalities Monday - Friday. Come Saturday I want any residual thoughts of these people wiped out of my consciousness until I'm forced to deal with them again come Monday morning.

Employers think the holiday party creates bonding. Humph. The only bonding I want to see is Jack's ass strapped to the next NASA launch into outer space.

However, there is one Christmas party that is actually fun. Showing up in anything other than jeans is a no-no. There are people of ALL ages from 0-80. There is something to do for them all. Families welcome. No stuffy sit-down dinner. It's all buffet style. There are games, music, crafts, and you name it. Kids are running around, and nobody is yelling at them -- there is no need to. The informality of it makes it exceeding popular. Employers take note.

Electronic Yodeling

There is a new trend in pop music, or maybe I should say the revival of something of years past. Yes, I have a teenage daughter. This means I am subject to the latest chart tarts.

If you play the above link, you will get a sample of the latest sound of electronic yodeling. See, no actual singing talent is required in this case unlike the yodelers of Switzerland.

I am ashamed to admit I kind of actually like it...... My high school friends and I get together once a year and this is a "theme song."

No Public Option

To further my theory that all politicians are on the payroll, I read that the public option for health care was dropped today.

Well, I suppose we the people are ultimately responsible for those who occupy important political positions that design and implement public policy.

Honestly, what can we truly expect from a culture that worships bright, shiny objects?

Tiger is now known as Cheetah

Tiger Woods is living proof that women will fuck anything hoping to get money. I mean, really... Let's not put the blame solely on Tiger. The women after him were nothing but shallow gold diggers.

Most importantly, WHO CARES??????

Hip Swinging Santa

This is one import from China that should be dumped like tea in the harbor. If any of you have been subject to "Hip Swinging Santa" you will immediately know what I mean.

My sister-in-law has a weakness for cheap, plastic shit made in China. She graced us one year with Hip Swinging Santa which plays an 8bit audio rendition similar of that to an 80's videogame of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town." My kids thought it was the greatest thing ever. The dog barks at it constantly. The cat arches his back and hisses at it. My husband wants to place it near his Budweiser Christmas beer stein collection. AUG!!!!!

Me??? Well, after just *one* round I was ready to rip Santa's head off as I thought it was annoying as hell.

Exactly who thinks of this shit? Just think of the initial brain fart surrounding the invention and initial marketing of Hip Swinging Santa. I can just hear the conversation now. "Oh wow, we can make MILLIONS off a cheap, tacky, annoying, hip swinging Santa that plays poor quality music!"

"Who would be so stupid to purchase such an idiotic item?"

"Americans. They will buy anything as goddesses forbid they actually use their money for something useful like their house payment, education, or retirement."

Each year I throw Hip Swinging Santa out in the trash. Each year they bring it back in.

The Scammers

My job affords me the opportunity to meet many, many types of people in the business world. Most of them are business owners, but some are other various types of professionals. There is one type of business owner who should be avoided at all costs: The Scammer.

There is one in particular I deal with who in the beginning I gave the benefit of the doubt. I had heard that The Scammer and his wife were subject to questionable business ethics. Being the type of person I am, I always want to give people an opportunity before passing judgment with what may be idle gossip.

Time tells all, and in this case it certainly did.

The Scammer and his wife are pros at dodging the IRS and bankruptcy laws. They scam workers' compensation money and whatever else they can suck from unsuspecting people.

As an example, the Scammers sold their company but were to remain on as employees by the new owners. Right after the completion of the sale, the Scammer's wife immediately claims she injured her back lifting file boxes out of storage and put in a huge workers' compensation claim.

Funny, but the Scammers wife had no trouble getting drunk and dancing on table tops at a party. I guess her back didn't hurt her then.

That is just one example. I could go on and on. I dread being with these people. They make me sick.

Christmas Brag Letters Part II

Sometimes justice comes served in minute, subtle, portions that only few can appreciate. Today's "Christmas 2009 Brag" photo/letter was one of those days.

Each year we get a "brag photo" from an old acquaintance. See, these are people who are nuveau riche. Each year it's him and her displayed in an exotic location photo of "guess where I've been and don't you wish you were me."

This year's photo featured him and her decked out in their Japanese yakatas doing the white-trash American "tourist" thing in Tokyo as they are about to embark on a traditional Japanese customary evening.

Little do they know the joke is on them.

What the American White Trash do not know is that when wearing a Japanese yakata, the bow is to be in the back. To wear the bow in the front indicates "sexuality for sale." You fill in the rest. American Ken and Barbie defenately had no clue to the local customs.

Typical of stupid Americans.

My hat is off to the Japanese photographer who cunningly pulled off this joke with only a snowball's chance in hell that somebody over here would get it! Very funny!!! I LOVE it.

Today's "White Trash Vacationing in Japan" Christmas card photo clearly indicated as such. Shallow, aging, Barbie is grinning ear-to-ear clinging to her bank account (a.k.a Ken) with her yakata bow right in front (next to her hand dripping in diamonds, I might add). Shallow Barbie has no idea she is being made fun of.

I LOVE YOU, JAPANESE PHOTOGRAPHER!!!! YOU CALLED IT AS YOU SAW IT.