Sometimes I Loathe Being Right

As the tarot cards predicted (coincidence or not) CHP died.  Quiet Rage has been, well, quiet.  There has been a lot to process in the last couple of weeks.  Tomorrow is the funeral for CHP.  SuperBETCH will not put anything in the paper until after the ceremony.  That is her right as a widow.  However, it robs CHP's friends, colleagues, and military buddies the opportunity to say good-bye unless someone in the family was allowed access to CHP's phone - in which nobody was.   

For whatever reason, SuperBETCH, along with her mini-me daughter SuperBETCH Jr., loves being the center of attention and in control.  She has always had ill feelings for anybody on CHP's side of the family.  I fit the description.  

What was troubling was beside the fact that I could not give a rat's behind about her treating me badly. but she treated my kids and my husband with such utter disrespect that it is appalling.  I will not go into details, but my husband was denied saying his final good-bye to his brother on his death bed.  Same with my kids.  Why does this bother me?  Because I saw CHP on Tuesday (I am the one cooking and bringing prepared meals to the immediate family as they are in no head space to even think about meals - it is just what Minnesota prairie women do to help).  

I went into the house and CHP was in his hospital bed and he looked so frail.  My daughter was also there.   We chatted with CHP and he still had his sense of humor.  CHP, with his weak and raspy voice, was the one who asked my daughter and I if we wanted a water or Dr. Pepper - not SuperBETCH.  SuperBETCH took the food that I cooked and fed it to herself everybody including SuperBETCH Jr., and her spawn.  I was good enough to supply food, but not good enough for a glass of water from SuperBETCH.  Whatever.  I politely declined the water and Dr. Pepper.  I did not want to trouble SuperBETCH for water (I bring my own water bottle anyway).  

Well...this was Tuesday.  For better or for worse, my daughter and I felt peace when we left CHP that day.  I feld in my heart CHP did as well.  We had some laughs, we reminisced about the old times, and it all ended on a good note.  There was also some past family drama my daughter sincerely apologized for her part in it.  The visit ended with CHP asking about my son and stating that his brother (my husband) and I did a good job raising the kids.  It made us all smile with the exception of SuperBETCH who sat in a chair with a puckered-up face that resembled a cat's arsehole.  

I told CHP I would bring over the old family movies that were taken in San Francisco and Sonoma in the 1950's when the home movie technology first came out.  He smiled.  He was looking forward to that.   

Things suddenly turned for the worse the very next day.  My husband went over to see him as he was going downhill quickly.   SuperBETCH denied him entry.  My husband is not some random stranger who appeared on the doorstep to sell solar and try to convert to a certain religion.  It's his BROTHER.  SuperBETCH denied him entry because she thought he was with a family member who is despised by all.  Lame excuse. Same with my son.  My son drove from San Jose as CHP asked about him.  He was also denied entry.  CHP died that night.  

Yes, death is very sensitive.  It is very personal.  Nothing brings up family drama like weddings and funerals.  

The funeral is tomorrow.  We will show up, be respectful, sit in the back, and blend in with the background.  We will not cause a scene.  

After the service tomorrow we will wash our hands of SuperBETCH and SuperBETCH Jr.   Just who are they going to call when SuperBETCH has a slip and fall and SuperBETCH Jr., can't lift her up?  They have alienated everybody.  

Get your popcorn ya'all.  The holidays have just gotten more and more interesting.  It's a good time to be out of the country or back in Minnesota.   

 

Hi How Are You? I'll Be Dead In A Few Days

 Things are quite uncomfortable at the home of Quiet Rage as of late.  Why?  My brother-in-law, CHP, was sent home from the hospital yesterday to die.  When my daughter was in Santa Rosa at the hospital visiting CHP on Sunday she noticed that there was a white dove on the hospital door room.  Do you know what that means?  It basically means a terminal situation and to leave the patient alone as family is coming in to say their good byes.  

Now CHP has been brought home.  He is still cognizant and wanted something to eat.  He is fully aware of his terminal situation.  The doctors and his immediate family will not let him eat anything as his intestines are blocked and would cause him extreme pain.  He is on a diet of broth.  

Of course, this angered CHP to no end.  He knows he is dying.  He wants a milk shake.  He does not care if it causes him pain or causes him to die two days earlier than predicted.  He just wants a bloody milk shake to taste and ENJOY.  GIVE CHP THE MILK SHAKE.  The other thing that angered CHP was the placement of the hospital bed in the living room.  He thought he was coming home to sleep in his own bed.  Nope.  There is also the presence of 24/7 hired care so SuperBETCH can at least get a few hours of sleep.  

CHP is depressed and angry.  Who would not be depressed and angry when faced with the reality of your own death within the next 14 days.   

My husband went to see him today and spent a couple of hours to hang out with his only surviving brother.  CHP was grateful that my husband was there.  Long story short, they have a very complicated relationship.  At least both of them have realized there is no time for fussing or fighting over past hurts.  

Here is where it hits the soul.  CHP asked my husband to hand him his phone.  CHP is still old school and also has a Rolodex of sorts.  CHP asked my husband to dial the phone for him so he could reach out to his old Marine Corp buddies, his old CHP partners, childhood friends, etc., to tell them he has days to live.  

Imaging being the recipient of that phone call.  "Hi, you have been very important part of my life.  I wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed our relationship.  I will be dead in a few days.  I want you to hear it directly from me instead of reading it in the obituaries."   

Worse, imagine being the person making the phone call.   

 

 

 

My Rider Tarot Deck and Death

 People make fun of me with my witchy-woo-woo, but that is fine.  I can take the ribbing because I know it is not mainstream.  Part of my witchy-woo-woo are tarot cards.  Over the years I have been given an assortment of tarot decks including a goddess deck and a spells deck.  My favorite deck is my classic travel Rider deck.  Yes, a tarot card reader has a relationship with the cards.  Over time, it is just natural to form different relationships with different tarot decks.   

Where am I going with this?  

 My husband's brother has always been a big, strong man.  He is a retired Marin County CHP sergeant, and he is also a Marine Corp veteran who served in Vietnam.  He is also an arsehole.   He married a superBETCH (long story) and they had two kids together:  superBETCH junior, and NiceGuy (who are now both in their 50's).  

Long story short, my husband's brother and family (let's refer to husband's brother as CHP) was very absent from family throughout his adult life.  CHP did not come around when his father was dying.  CHP did not come around when his mother was dying.  CHP did not come around when one brother was dying.  CHP did not come around when his oldest sister was dying.  I will not go into the details, but CHP and SuperBETCH pretty much dissed the extended family.   

When my husband's mother died, CHP was not left anything in the inheritance because he never came around when their father was dying nor when their mother was dying.  CHP's sister got it all (which is another long story as she was the one who actually dealt with it all).  

Well, of course, CHP and superBETCH being the type of people they are, were all upset because they did not get anything.  They shunned the rest of the family.  There is a whole other lotta drama that goes along with this.  The long-established pattern for the last 50+ years is that CHP and SuperBETCH are always angry at someone in the family for some reason and seethe about it.   

TOXIC!

I have known for a while now that CHP was not in good health.....but.....the doctors kept stating there is hope if they try this treatment and that.  It has been my hope that CHP would get better and reconcile with family before it is too late.  We have invited CHP and SuperBETCH to our house for a BBQ, we have invited them for dinner, etc.  Our invitations went ignored.  We even went so far as to write a heart-felt letter stating how they are important to us and to talk to us about why we have been cut from their lives.  Nothing.

About a month ago knowing that CHP was trying another healing approach, and also knowing my husband is upset over the unresolved relationship issue, I took out my Rider tarot deck and sat with that thought for a while.  I really tried to hone in on CHP's energy.  

After sitting with Rider deck concentrating on CHP's energy, I finally drew one card.  It was X of Wands.  The first thing any reputable tarot card teacher will tell you is to TRUST YOUR INTUITION of your feeling upon seeing the card drawn.   Sure, there is the major and minor arcana and all sorts of labels to each card...but....the feeling you get when you see it is the most important.  

What immediately struck me for the X of Wands and CHP's energy was extreme guilt, sadness and regret.  It is heavy on him.  The Wands suit in the Rider tarot represent the spiritual world and your soul's contract.  Wands are a "meaning of life" suit.  X represents the completion of conclusion on the path.   I wrote in my journal that I knew CHP was not going to get better and he will die with regrets.  I did not tell my husband because I did not want to put anything in his head that might not turn out to be true.  I am a novice tarot reader.  

Today we get the call from CHP's son, NiceGuy.   NiceGuy informed us that CHP is now on hospice and they are sending him home from the hospital tomorrow to, well, ....um..... die.  They give him 2 days to 2 weeks.  

Unbeknownst to me, my daughter went to the hospital to see CHP today.  She was met with a chilly reception from CHP's daughter, SuperBETCH Jr.  CHP gestured for my daughter to come in despite SuperBETCH Junior's interference at the door.   CHP was in tears knowing that he can't properly make amends and how important family is....CHP blew his chance.  He is burdened with his regret.  His soul contract is complete for this lifetime.  He will have to wait until another lifetime to make amends.....assuming the universe sees right to afford him the opportunity.  

CHP, who was once the epitome of a handsome, big, and strong man is now a shadow of his dying self.  I hate to break it to all of you, but the same fate awaits for all of us.  Get over yourselves.  Get over your petty grudges and judgements.  Love more and hate less.  I can promise you will not regret that on your death bed.