Real Estate Agents: The DEVIL

Long story short, I am in the process of purchasing a commercial building that is in foreclosure.  What a pile of bureaucratic garbage the entire process involves.  Doesn't anybody give a straight-forward deal anymore without some contingent-inspection-user-permit-environmental-impact-plugged-up-toilet-structural-integrity-gasp-gasp-gasp..... 

No wonder we are in gridlock with everything.  Our entire nation has been left to our lawyers to negotiate.  Who thinks of the trite issues to even argue about?  The banks want to dazzle and confuse you with their ever changing, complicated financing formulas.  The real estate agents pretend to be working for you when in reality they are only thinking of jacking up the sale price to increase their take.  The city and the county step in with their useless permit/zoning process that is an entire waste of time and money. 

My needs are simple.  I have a 3/4 million dollars cold, hard cash for a down payment.  No contingency bullshit on my end.  I want a building for a little more than a million.  Give me straight talk.  Give me a simple loan with a fixed interest rate and no mumbo jumbo.  I will pay it.  My impeccable credit speaks for itself.  Stop all the useless jargon and involving lawyers chiming in on where to place the postage stamp for the application submission.  Quit coming at me with your make-yourself-needlessly-complicated  reports that don't mean jack, but you will be charged  an obnoxious amount. 

I'm to the point where I will say FUCK IT and put the money in my mattress rather than tangle it up with all you assholes. 

The Devil

Hooters and Dicks

Damn Minnesotans.  They stole my idea.  I blogged a while back that I was going to open a place called "Dicks" right next door to "Hooters." 

Dicks was going to feature the same crappy food as Hooters served by 20-year-old-something guys in tight fitting shorts showing off each bulge and ball. 

The Mall of America beat me to the punch.  On the third floor of this temple of consumerism Dicks and Hooters co-exist. 

Hey.... what's good for the goose is good for the gander. 

Rush Limbaugh IS Fat Bastard

They say everybody has a twin.  The other theory is that Fat Bastard and Rush Limbaugh really are the same person.  Strike that.  At least people like Fat Bastard and respect him.  At least when Fat Bastard talks from his ass he lets out a huge fart.  When Rush talks from his ass we get bad breath.

Credit for this post goes to Meesh......  

God Google - Zeus - Magic 8 Ball

The ancients had Zeus.  The moderns have Google.  Both are mythical entities that are supposed to host all the answers.  Both are rendered as all-knowing gods.  Zeus ruled without ever being incarnate, just like God Google.  Just exactly WHO is God Google, anyway?  Can somebody pick Him out in a crowd?  Please?  Can somebody draw a picture of this god who rules our lives?  Oh...... I get it.... God Google is just whatever text gets regurgitated at random to your stupid ass question posed on the internet...
.......and you believe without question.......wow.....and you're putting down the right-wing Christian nut-balls for believing without question because "Jesus said so."  You're no different.  No, Google is NOT real research.  Google does not know all. 

Let's think about it in another way.  Google is the Magic 8 Ball of the 21st century.  Remember that toy?  Ask a question, have a predetermined set of answers that appear on a floaty surface of blue water in a baby food jar encased in a ball of black plastic with a little window.  Answers the Magic 8 ball gave included:  "Yes, definately,'   'ask again later'   'no'   'yes'  etc.....

The point is that answers were given to heart felt, desperate questions without any substance involved for the response the Magic 8 Ball gave.    Is that how we want to launch ourselves into the information age?  Do we want to totally trust God Google to answer our multifaceted questions with "Sponsored Sites" and "most recent hits"  or the condescending "did you mean..............."

shit.... I threw out my Magic 8 Ball back in the 1970's.  Maybe it's time to do the same to Google.  

Bitchy Controlling Women

In fairness to the asshole controlling men I have been bitching about, there are bitchy controlling women out there as well.  You know who they are.  They count beer cans in the recycling bin, nights out with the 'boys' and how much money was spent on her anniversary gift as an indication of his depth of love for her.  God forbid if he makes any plans without consulting HER first.  HER friends and social networks are far superior to HIS lowly beer-drinking-knuckle-dragging-sports-junkie-cave-man cronies. 

Word to the bitchy controlling women:  Stop keeping score.  No wonder he wants to get away from you. 

Controlling Asshole Men

They are out there -- most Republican men are women-hating assholes.  They want women to suck their dicks, make them dinner, bear their children, and wash the shit stains out of their underwear and never allow them to see daylight without their permission and control. 

Republican men's biggest fear is that the guise of control of women through the seemly 'purity' and 'goodness' of religion that is used like a shock collar to bring women back in line when questioned, is finally recognized as the pile of manipulative bullshit it really is.  They are grasping at straws to try to keep us all subservient, dependent slaves. 

Real men with a real penis are not threatened by a free-thinking woman.  Looks like there are a lot of small, limp penises out there.   I'd say to go on Viagra, but we all know how much you Republican men loathe paying for somebody else sexual activity. 

Las Vegas

If you like the smell of stale cigarette smoke, booze, and cheap perfume Las Vegas is the place for YOU!  The mega casinos are so large that I have been without fresh air for two and 1/2 days as the windows don't open.  It took me 35 minutes to walk from my room to the convention area and I never went outdoors.  These places are mammoth.  I can't help but think about the massive amounts of natural resources required to build and operate these grandiose monstrosities. 

The lack of fresh air is one thing, it's also the constant bombardment of stimulation.  Machines are constantly dinging and chiming.  Lights are flickering and flashing.  Larger than life advertisements for shows and lewd sex are everywhere.  Canned music piped in from different areas is playing over each other, and also competing with tacky lounge ensambles belting out their version of Mustang Sally.  People are dressed in their bling.  This display of lust, glutton and greed smacks of America's shallow, unexamined culture where all that glitters is gold. 

After 10 minutes I had enough.  I made a mad dash to the elevator where upon entering I thought would be a refuge from stimulation overload.  Wrong.  The elevator was equipped with a monitor excitedly yakking about the hotel's world renowned chef.

Finally.  I reach my hotel room and enter.  Silence.  Yes.

Until the jackasses next door decided to blare the television at maximum volume and speak so loudly I could hear the man say, "I'll be a while.  I'm going to read the paper and take a big shit."

TMI