New Phone Message Pad

I know this applies to all offices everywhere, so make sure to ask for it when ordering your office supplies next time.

Christmas Cards

This is the first year in my adult life that I have not sent out Christmas cards. Yes, the world is still spinning on its axis. Generally, I pride myself on being the "first" to get my card off in the mail. Not this year. It's time I finally come to terms with my OCD tendencies.

I ran into an old, old friend at the grocery store the other day. She gave me a big hug and gloated that she "beat" me with getting out her Christmas cards this year. I told her that I wasn't sure if I would be getting any cards out this year. The look on her face was priceless. The gave me a look like she wanted to ask if everything was ok with us. I picked up on her non-verbal cue and told her that things just got out of control with work and such, and that we were all ok.

To be honest, I finally got to a stack of unopened Christmas cards today. I have not had time to read them. Word must be out with friends and relatives how much I hate the braggie Christmas newsletters (see my post from December 2007) as this year it was notably toned down. I'm a bitch, I know... Love me or hate me.

The most beautiful card/newsletter I received this year was from my mother's cousins in rural Minnesota. The opening paragraph of the letter started off with, "This year started out on a sad note when our brother died in February. We miss him so much, but know he is in a better place. He left behind his eyes so someone else could see the beauty of God's earth."

Wow.... something like that puts things into perspective instantly.

The letter went on describing the pitfalls of growing old and the challenges along with it like losing some independence. The letter also described some long-ago traditions and how Christmas was 70 years ago in rural Minnesota. The letter closed with, "Always keep Christ in Christmas. Trust in God, and love in your hearts."

This is a Christmas newsletter that is NOT getting the half-glance over and going into the recycling bin New Year's eve.

Get the FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

The past couple of weeks or so I've been up to my armpits in people. I wish I had the nerve to do what my friend did when she had had enough of people lingering about and kids digging through closets and trashing everything. She stood on her couch and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Get the FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! NOW!!!"

If you saw my friend you would never guess her to have a mouth like that. She usually doesn't. She simply had enough. I can totally relate. I'm peopled-out as well.

GM Stock as Coal in the Stocking

My mother had a great idea as to what to do with her worthless GM stock -- put it in the Christmas stockings of those who have been naughty this past year;)

Merry Christmas

I have been without my laptop for a couple of weeks now. I feel like I've been amputated. I have to fight for computer time with the rest of the family. Anyway, I'll rant about Staples and their suckie "extended warranty" that they won't honor tomorrow. Believe it or not, I'm in rather a jolly mood and I don't want to fly into a rage where I end up killing somebody on Christmas -- even if they deserve it.

Our house is ground zero on Christmas morning. Before we are even dressed and have our presents opened, relatives start arriving by the bus loads knowing that a grand breakfast will be served. This morning I had so many people here I could not walk through my own house. They were mostly relatives, but there were some stragglers this year as well.

Between the people, presents, and food my house looks like a bomb went off. At the moment I don't care as consuming large quantities of red wine has a tendency of eliminating the urge to kill kids who always manage to smear maple syrup and butter on my living room carpeting. Oh, and I have not even mentioned the sticky spills of orange juice.

These same brats got Rock Band 2 from Santa and set it up in our front room. We adults listened to them strum, drum, and sing for a couple of hours. The kids were actually getting pretty good. Rock Bank is a Wii game that the kids are into and they compete online with each other and all of that crap. I had 6 teenagers in my front room who were actually HAPPY and not moping about in their black, ghoulish, goth-like apparel. They did not complain that they were bored and wanted to go home and slash their wrists or some dramatic, emo crap like that.

After a few rounds of gin fizzes, us adults kicked the kids off Rock Band and set up our own band. Despite that I have always wanted to be a drummer, I got stuck with singing lead vocals. We scored very well, so WATCH OUT! We will be on world-wide tour;) My 15 year-old nephew says that he goes to school with the number one rated Rock Band guitar player. Well.......he better watch out as he's got competition now. OLD FARTS RULE!!!!!

Fuck You Sushi

I love San Francisco's Japantown. I guess the love is not returned in kind as observed by the name of this sushi bar.

Two things came to mind when I saw this and busted out laughing. One was the Austin Powers movie where there were two Japanese twins named Fook Yu and Fook Me. The other thing that came to mind was the Seinfeld episode with the soup nazi. My take is that this is the Japanese sushi version of the infamous, nasty soup nazi. NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

If you really want to mess with the Japanese, go into shops and order 4 of everything and watch their eyes in response. The number 4 in their culture is like our number 13 and it's associated with bad luck.

Michaelangelo's David as Porn

This is for the official human resources "Bizzaro" file. I swear to God I'm going to get a t-shirt that states: I have officially seen and heard it ALL. NOTHING SHOCKS ME! No shit.

I have received a formal sexual harassment complaint from a male employee that the display of Michaelangelo's David from the secretary's digital photo frame on her desk was creating a "hostile work environment."

Give me a break. I swear to God some people need to be beaten to death. He is one of them.

Let's put this story into context. The guy complaining about Michaelangelo's David being "porn" was busted by this same secretary for using the company computer for viewing and printing catalogs of porn and soliciting prostitutes on Craig's list and eBay -- on company time and company property. The dumb-ass guy should be thankful he still has a job.... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... Like so many other dumb fuckers who should be wiped off the face of the earth and their gene pool with them, he had to carry on and did not know when to shut the fuck up.

The complaint went something like this....

"You should know that Sally Secretary has a picture of male genitals IN YOUR FACE on a digital camera frame located near her computer desk," states DumbAss who is lucky he still has a job.

"AND I was diligent enough to take a photograph of it," added DumbAss.

"Hmmmmmmmm," thought myself and my collegue investigating the complaint.

DumbAss went on describing the "male genitals in your face" in the digital picture frame located at the secretary's desk and how "offensive" it was especially in light of the discovery that DumbAss was viewing porn on his company computer. HOW COULD SALLY SECRETARY DO IT???? How could she have such pornographic material at her work station after lodging such a complaint?

DumbAss never did tell us that the "porn" he was subject to was Michaelangelo's David. That small detail was left out until we interviewed the accused secretary.

Who judges what is art and what is considered porn? I don't know. All I know is that nudity is nudity and what others find "art" others find "offensive." Any and all nudity in the office, even that considered classical art, needs to go. I'm sick of people trying to play lawsuit lottery with me.

This one is for YOU, CG

I saw this today and just about pissed my pants laughing!!!! My dear friend in England, CG, thinks these signs utterly ridiculous -- and I whole-heartedly agree. We've had several laughing incidences regarding these idiotic signs posted in cars. What exactly does it mean? Go ahead and kill everybody else on board EXCEPT the baby? CG.... TAKE IT AWAY!!!

My Christmas Card

Here is my Christmas card/video this year.

Integrity My Ass

These pictures were taken in Sonoma County, California yesterday at a local bank. Ingetrity? Please. Stability? Go fuck yourself.

Shouldn't stability and integrity be inherent traits for bankers? The above photos shout out loudly and clearly, "The banking industry is ruled by snakey, greedy assholes! But you should trust us! We are different!"

Bullshit. Integrity my ass.

It's like the basic belief expecting that judges should be officiators rendering fair and just decisions interpreting law, and that priests should be expected to be ambassadors for the goodwill of Christ and then being shocked and dismayed when the public discovers they are not.

The cynical American public knows better -- especially in light of the events of the past few months.... Wow... do we all know better. Do NOT trust others with your money. They will squander it, piss it all away, and then look you in the eye and tell you how hard they're "working" for you -- in the form of expecting a huge government bailout coming from YOUR wallet.

Poor Guy

Merry Christmas! I soooooo feel sorry for guys this time of year. I mean the media is filling heads with the idea that if the guy doesn't buy his woman a diamond the size of medium baked potato, or buy his woman the newest, flashiest European car he is a total piece of shit and the woman should leave him.

Come on... who started this shit? I have some advice for you guys out there who are feeling pressured by all of this bullshit. Dump the bitch who is making you feel pressured into purchasing her "things" in order to "prove" your love. You don't need a woman like that. There are plenty of women out there who would truly appreciate love without dollar signs attached to it. Trust me. Please ignore this holiday gift purchasing orgy that is completely orchestrated by the media.

If your girlfriend/wife dumps you because of it, GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!! Let the materialistic bitch pay for her own baubles. Who wants a money grubbing cow for a wife anyway?????